


His Bark

by Quibbles



Category: GOT7
Genre: Animal Traits, Comfort/Angst, Dark Past, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Romance, Wolf Jackson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:46:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 62,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6909844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quibbles/pseuds/Quibbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Im Jaebum is fine. His life is fine, his girlfriend is...fine.<br/>He has friends. They're fine. Everything's fine.<br/>And then suddenly, a strange boy named Jackson comes into his life and flips everything upside down. <br/>All at once it's so much more than fine, for worse, or for better.<br/>Jaebum never wants to go back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a while, so I thought I'd try my hand at writing it. Hope you like it!

Rain pelted against the hood of Im Jaebum’s jacket—he’d made some small attempt to keep himself dry after rehearsal but had given up as this crazy Spring shower increased in intensity. It was only about half a mile to his small apartment from campus anyways, and his muscles were sore from dance class, but at least he knew a shortcut home.

Besides, this weather was perfect to mull over his thoughts, which currently, were pretty depressing. Jimin, his girlfriend, had reamed him out yet again for God only knows what reason (she always had something she was annoyed by) and lately that something seemed to be Jaebum. They were both 3rd year students at Geonguk University, Jaebum a film student with a minor in dance, and Jimin was a dance student.

Jaebum crouched to avoid a low hanging branch. The ‘shortcut’ to his house wasn’t really ideal. It was basically a small forest that lead to his apartment, but he knew how to maneuver it, despite the blinding rain, and he also loved being outdoors. Past the big boulder and the tree that looked like his Grandpa and then the clump of trees with the moss covering them and then—

And then.

Jaebum pulled up short, a difficult feat because he’d been walking quickly, and blinked. “Hey.” He said, nearly running into a boy, soaking wet and standing by a tree. The boy, who looked about his age or maybe a little younger, blinked as if startled, his head snapping towards Jaebum, but he said nothing, his eyes wide.

Jaebum took him in for a second. His hair was a honey blonde, clinging to his forehead miserably, and he was wearing a plain white cotton t-shirt--soaked through, and ripped jeans. He was shorter than Jaebum, and…well, he was pretty cute. Perfectly normal appearance, except for the look in in his eyes. “Are you ok?” he said, noticing suddenly that the boy was shivering, one hand pressed against the tree as if to hold himself steady. The boy didn’t say anything, his eyes falling to the grass below them, and then suddenly, he crouched down, huddled against the bark of the tree. He was shivering violently.

“Hey.” Jaebum said in alarm, crouching with him. “How long have you been here, you’re soaked to the bone.” The boy didn’t look at him, staring down at the grass as if he was waiting for Jaebum to leave. “Did you…take something?” Jaebum asked suddenly, realizing how glazed and disoriented the blond’s eyes were. “Like, a pill?”

The boy said nothing, his face firmly turned down. Jaebum noticed a set of dog tags hanging from the boy’s slender neck, and he bent, twisting his neck to read what they said. “Jackson…Wang?” The boy, presumably Jackson Wang’s, head snapped up and he stared blankly at Jaebum, his mouth set in a firm line.

“Jackson?” Jaebum repeated gently. He was definitely high, or strung out on something. “Do you know where your friends are?”

“My name is Jackson.” The boy said suddenly, softly, and Jaebum stared at him, because all he’d properly understood was the Jackson part. “You speak English?” He said, in confusion. “Where are you from?” The rain was coming down harder and harder, and it was freezing cold. Judging by how cold and blue the boy—Jackson’s fingers were, he’d probably been out here for nearly an hour.

“I’m gunna take you back to my place till you come down from this.” He decided. The kid seemed harmless, and JB was pretty confident of his sparring skills. Besides what would he do otherwise? Leave him here? Call the police or ambulance? Depending on what Jackson Wang had taken, that could get him into a lot of trouble, or probably kicked out of school.

“Is that ok?” Jaebum prodded, before adding in clumsy English. “My home?”

“Home…” Jackson echoed instantly, clinging unto the word, before standing slowly and finally looking at Jaebum.

“It’s…there.” Jaebum pointed. “You can get dry…and…” Jackson’s blank stare told him not to bother trying any more Korean. “Come.” He said in English, reaching out to take Jackson’s arm. Jackson was surprisingly obedient, following him silently to his apartment, all the way inside. Jaebum lived alone, he preferred it like that. His space was small, but clean, and reflected a lot of his personality. As they walked into his apartment, Jaebum noted that Jackson was about his size or smaller even—he could probably lend him some clothes.

“If I can figure out what you took, I’ll know how long it takes to come down.” He said, more to himself than Jackson, as the boy stood at his entryway and looked around in bewilderment. “You can put your shoes---where are your shoes?’ Jaebum noticed suddenly that Jackson was barefoot, his feet covered in mud. “Ok wait, don’t move ok!” Jackson stared at him, and Jaebum ran to the bathroom, before returning with some rubber slippers with pink duckies on them.

“Here.” He offered, and Jackson stared at the slippers, his blank expression unwavering.

“Ok...” Jaebum made the symbol for stepping into the slippers, and showed Jackson how to do it a few times, but Jackson did nothing. Finally, he got down and shoved the slippers unto his feet.

 “No offense, but you kinda stink.” Jaebum said flatly. “You should take a shower…or I guess a bath would be better.” As he spoke, he headed to the bathroom, turning on the taps and letting a bath begin to run.

When he came back, Jackson had gotten into his little kitchen, and currently, he was eating a slice of burnt toast Jaebum had abandoned that morning, staring wide-eyed around, drinking in his surroundings as if he'd never seen an apartment before. “You don’t have to eat that!” Jaebum exclaimed in disgust, moving quickly to swipe the toast from Jackson, but Jackson jerked away, his brow furrowing, and scarfed down the rest of the cold, burnt slice, before turning back, his brows drawn as if to say ‘there’!

“I’ll make you food.” Jaebum said gently, wanting to laugh despite himself. The betrayed expression on the boy’s face was utterly endearing. “I guess you’re from America or something, so you’ll like a sandwich, right?” He pulled the loaf of bread out of the fridge and Jackson’s eyes lit up, his angry expression disappearing, and the second he pulled out a piece of bread it was gone, snatched so quickly from his fingers that he didn’t even see it leave. “Yah!” he explained, and Jackson had already finished half the slice, his cheeks bulging, triumphant.

“You must be really hungry.” Jaebum said in awe, watching Jackson’s jaw work. “Or maybe it’s the drugs…” He glanced towards the bathroom and saw that the tub was just about ready. “Come.” He said, and again, Jackson followed him without complaint. “Uhm…it’s probably a bad idea to give you total privacy in here, but I won’t look.” He started. “Here’s the soap and there’s—”

While he was looking at the tub, Jackson had already stripped and Jaebum’s eyes widened, looking away quickly, trying not to register what a nice body the guy had, but he did anyways. It was normal to compare bodies with other guys! Jackson got into the tub and seemed content, a small smile suddenly appearing on his face. “Warm.” He said, in English, splashing at the water. “Mmm…”

Jaebum smiled at him, only looking out of the corner of his eyes because the water was free of bubbles and left very little to the imagination. “You’ll be ok for a minute right?” he said, noting that Jackson was reaching for the soap. 'At least he knows how to bathe himself' he thought in relief. Inviting a guy to his house and offering him an opened-door bath was incredibly weird, but bathing him? “Ok…I’ll be right back then.”

He rushed out to the kitchen and threw together two sandwiches, one tuna fish and one peanut butter and jelly (American’s liked those), before making some tea as well, all the while keeping an eye on Jackson as he effectively cleaned himself in the tub. Thank god he could at least do that.

“All done?” he asked after a while, coming in with a towel. “You smell a lot better now.”

Jackson stood up, totally naked, and Jaebum shielded his eyes with the towel until Jackson took it from him. “Food.” He said astutely, rubbing himself absent-mindedly with the towel, stepping out of the tub and walking towards the kitchen.

“HEY! Slippers! Your feet are wet!” Jaebum said, following him. “Also, put that towel on!” He grabbed the towel from Jackson and stopped him, wrapping around his waist and trying hard to be mature about. Jackson looked at him with the same grumpy expression as earlier, before continuing on his journey to the kitchen, his eyes lightning up when he saw the sandwiches. Standing by the counter, he started eating rapid-pace and Jaebum watched him, wide-eyed. This was by far the most interesting Friday afternoon he’d had in a while. As Jackson ate, Jaebum caught glimpses of incredibly sharp teeth. No wonder he could tear through the food so quickly. The sandwiches now a thing of the past, Jackson glanced to the cup of tea suspiciously, before touching the cup. “Warm.” He said again, the same little smile spreading across his face.

"It's green tea." Jaebum called from the bathroom, draining the tub before returning with the slippers as well as Jackson’s clothes. “Slippers, on.” He chided. “I’m going to wash your clothes and give you something to change into.”

Jackson ignored him, holding unto the teacup with both hands, letting the steam waft over his face.

If anyone who knew Jaebum saw him doing this, they would be shocked. He was not a maternal person by any means, and he didn’t really like doing things for people other than himself. It wasn’t _selfish_...it was just…efficient. But now he was putting Jackson’s clothes into the machine, and getting him fresh one’s to change into, and then _helping_ him change into them because he seemed to enjoy being naked. He wasn't sure why, it just felt like the right thing to do. It felt...cool.

“Ok, you’re changed, clean, full, and you have less of that wild…look about you.” Jaebum said in satisfaction. He was feeling pretty great; he’d never taken care of someone like this before. “Do you feel better?”

Jackson nodded. “Better.” He echoed, in Korean and Jaebum looked at him in surprise.

“So you know Korean?” He said.

“Korean.” Jackson nodded, before walking away, towards the couch, sitting down. He seemed pleased by it, pulling his knees up under his chin.

“Do you want to watch tv?” Jaebum asked, sitting beside him and flicking it on. Jackson said nothing, but he turned his attention towards the television, and no matter what channel Jaebum turned to, he watched it with the same level of rapt attention, so eventually he just settled on a romcom movie.

“You know…you shouldn’t do drugs.” He chided. “Seriously…that was really dangerous, what if I hadn’t found you? Why were you all by yourself doing that anyways? And why were you in the woods?”

Jackson paid no mind to him whatsoever, staring at the television, but Jaebum was talking more to himself anyways.

“I mean…you’re a pretty good-looking guy, surely you have a lot of friends? Maybe you’re not from around here, I dunno…” Jaebum trailed off, and eventually they were just sitting there in silence, and it felt really pleasant. With most people, he always felt this overwhelming pressure to talk, even when there was silence. Especially with Jimin, who really loved to ask him ‘What are you thinking, why are you so quiet??’ Her voice rang in his head and he made a face, shaking his head free. Not tonight.

So this was nice, sitting here with this blond-haired kid, watching a bad romcom. So nice, in fact, that eventually he fell asleep, and as he drifted, he was briefly aware that Jackson had moved across the couch and was sitting by his side, his head just barely resting against Jaebum's shoulder. He smelt like the forest, rain, and sunshine, all at once.

And it was kind of nice.


	2. Hello?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum looks for answers, as things continue to get more bizarre.

The gentle glow of early morning light flowed in through the half-closed blinds, forcing Jaebum’s eyes open. He blinked, bleary-eyed, before glancing at his phone for the time. 6:58, and 7 missed texts and calls from his girlfriend, which—no, it was way too early for his day to go to shit. All at once, he remembered Jackson, and that he’d slept the entire night with a complete stranger, and drugged up to boot, next to him. He jumped up quickly and looked around his apartment. _Shit shit shit_ , how stupid and irresponsible could he possibly be? His wallet was still safely in his back pocket, phone, keys, check.

His heart rate gradually slowed as his eyes flitted around the apartment. Everything valuable seemed to be where it belonged (so basically, his television, gaming console and laptop—for clarifications sake). Jackson, however, was nowhere to be found. Jaebum felt a sense of distress. When had he left? Had he been ok to leave? In an ideal world, Jackson had woken up, sober and sound of mind, looked at Jaebum fondly (mentally thanking him) and left to live his life happily.

Jaebum looked around the coffee table for a note, before heading to the kitchen. And there was Jackson, sitting on the floor, cross-legged, eating an **entire** rotisserie chicken. Jaebum stood at the door and stared at him. Honey blond hadn’t noticed him yet; he was gazing around the kitchen with a relaxed, somewhat glazed expression, his bright eyes going from the ceiling light to the microwave to the counter, and back to the chicken. He was eating it with his hands, no plate, no utensils, and it was the strangest thing Jaebum had ever witnessed, until he noted that the boy’s teeth were slicing right through the bones as if they were peanut brittle, swallowing them along with everything else.

**No big deal.**

Jaebum suddenly felt very apprehensive, the sort of inexplicable chill one felt when they stepped into the uncanny valley, and he decided he’d already taken too many chances for the last 12 hours. He backed silently into the living room, pulling his phone out swiftly, texting, _Get here, ASAP._

Ok Taecyeon was a good friend of his, both tall and attractive enough to pursue a career in acting if he’d been interested, but a model wasn’t what Jaebum needed, he needed an English speaker who also happened to be in Med School; he couldn’t think of a better prospect.

“I just don’t understand why you would let a strange druggie into your house? Are you stupid?” Taecyeon whispered, adjusting his glasses as he observed Jaebum through the lenses. “You don’t even let your girlfriend sleep over, what came over you?”

Jaebum signalled him to _shh_ mostly because Taecyeon was 100% correct and he was in no mood to say so, and walked towards the kitchen, peeking in. The entire chicken was gone, but Jackson still sat there, seemingly entirely content with resting on the cold tile floor now that he’d fed himself.

Taecyeon watched him for a little while, glancing towards Jaebum before clearing his throat. Jackson looked up at him, slightly startled. “Hi.” Taecyeon called clearly in English, making no move towards Jackson. Jackson observed him with an air of caution, his eyes moving from Jaebum to Taecyeon. “Hullo.” He said finally. Taecyeon smiled gently, taking a single step into the kitchen.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

Jackson’s mouth was set into the same firm line as the day before, and he looked again at Jaebum before answering. “Full.” He declared, offering the tiniest semblance of a pleased expression, his face otherwise blank.

“I bet.” Taecyeon nodded, now closer than before. This was all flying over Jaebum’s head, but again he noticed how sharp Jackson’s teeth were and a chill ran through him to think he’d really fallen asleep with this kid so close to his neck.

“Where are you from?” Taecyeon asked, and Jackson finally focused his attention on him.

“Dunno.” He said, standing. He was almost a head shorter than Taecyeon, which relieved Jaebum to an extent.

“Canada, America?” Taecyeon prodded, and Jackson’s brow furrowed. He said nothing, looking accusatorily towards Jaebum as if to say ‘who’s this guy?’

“That’s his mad face.” Jaebum offered helpfully, ignoring the look Taecyeon shot him.

Taecyeon looked Jackson over carefully, and Jackson looked back at him expectantly.

“So you don’t know where you’re from, do you know how old you are?”

“234 moons.” Jackson replied promptly. “You are 309 moons. He is 250 moons.” He spoke in a straight-forward manner, and quickly, like he wanted to be done with it.

“How do you know that…” Taecyeon broke off as Jackson walked past him into the living room, returning to his spot on the couch. “What do you think?” Jaebum hissed under his breath.

“His eyes aren’t dilated at all, his coloring his normal, he seems to be perfectly functioning…” Taecyeon started.

“Except for the fact that he just ate an entire bone-in chicken!” Jaebum exclaimed. “The whole thing! On the floor!”

“More importantly, he seems to have some sort of memory loss.” Taecyeon’s brow furrowed. “Listen, has he peed at all? I can do a blood test if I have a sample.”

“Uhh…he probably will eventually, I mean, it’s a typical body function. Why don’t you just ask him for some pee?” Jaebum shrugged.

“You want me to…ask him to pee in a cup?”

“Are you a doctor or not?”

“Not! I’m a resident!”

“Just ask!”

“ _This is so weird_ \---hey, can you pee in this?” Taecyeon called, grabbing a glass from the table, ignoring Jaebum’s protest of _not my drinking glass??_ Jackson looked from the glass to Taecyeon before making a face after a little while. Still, he stood and took the glass wordlessly, heading off to the bathroom before returning with it.

“Oh.”

“That worked.”

“He’s nothing if not obedient?” Jaebum said, watching Taecyeon whip out one of those little vials he always seemed to have one him, a caricature of a little cartoon doctor, _you never know when you need a sample, Jaebum_ and filling it carefully.

“I gotta get to work but I’ll run this during my break, I promise.” Taecyeon handed Jaebum the glass—it was warm, oh god no. “But I don’t know…he doesn’t seem to exhibit any drug induced tendencies, he just kind of seems like a space case.”

As he spoke he was heading towards the door, disinfecting his hands with the little bottle of sanitizer he always had with him. “A curious thing though, Jaebum.” He said, the hint of a small smile grazing his features. “You don’t even let your girlfriend sleep over here, and you hate making food for people, scratch that---you hate doing _anything_ for people. What’s up with this?”

“You’re right, I’ll leave him to die of hypothermia next time.” Jaebum bristled, scowling. He knew what Taecyeon was hinting at because of the **one** time he’d confessed he found a guy in his class kind of attractive. It had been **one** time and Taecyeon had never forgotten it.

“I’m just saying, conventionally, he’s certainly not bad to look at.” Taecyeon teased.

“Get out.” Jaebum interjected, monotone, willing himself not to go red.

Taecyeon laughed his way out the door and Jaebum marvelled at how smug he could be while holding a vile of pee. _Doctors,_ man.

 

He shut the door and headed back inside. Psychologically, people helped attractive people more than others, regardless of gender or even attraction. It was a genetic push to assist strong genes in thriving. So. There. He was not _attracted_ to Jackson Wang, with his tan skin and button nose. Please. He was a red-blooded straight Korean male.

“I guess you’re not hungry, seeing that you ate my whole chicken. I was excited to eat that too.” Jaebum scowled at Jackson, who peeked over the couch at him, a tiny smile appearing on his face. It was so little and comical and disarming, Jaebum felt all vindictiveness melt away. Who was this kid, with his little boy mushroom hair cut and obnoxiously bright eyes? He looked like he’d stepped right out of a child’s chibi illustration.

“You like the news?” Jaebum gestured to the television, where Jackson’s rapt attention was now focused. “You’re better than me…they always say you should ‘keep up with current events’. Well, they should make them more interesting, you know?” He watched the traffic update for a while, before giving up and heading to the kitchen to clean up after Jackson. Despite his floor eating, the kitchen seemed relatively clean. Had he licked the floor?

“Jackson, Jackson!” Jackson was suddenly calling, eyes wide as disks, and Jaebum peeked into the living room in confusion. “That’s…” he walked swiftly towards the television.

_Jackson Wang was reported missing around 2pm in the afternoon near the Han River by Konkuk University. Jackson Wang is a 19 years old, Hong Kong native, 5’8—anyone with information on him should contact---_

Jaebum was already dialing the number his fingers gliding across his phone’s touch screen. “Jackson.” Jackson pointed out helpfully, glancing at Jaebum.

_“Hello?”_

“Hi, I have Jackson Wang with me at my apartment. Can I speak to someone who knows Korean?”

 _“Yes, I do—and you have him? Thank God.”_ The voice on the other end was deep and slightly raspy, maybe Jackson’s father?

“Yeah, he’s right there.” Jaebum gestured to the couch. “Would you be able to pick him up or—”

_“I’m not in Korea right now, can I possibly skype you?”_

“Y-yeah.” Jaebum faltered. This was a turn of events. “Is this…are you his dad?”

There was a low chuckle on the other end, followed by a calculating pause.

_“I am his…doctor, if you will.”_

‘If I will?’ Jaebum thought, making a face. Okay.

There was an exchange of skype information, which Jaebum quickly entered into his computer, and after the phone call ended, he informed Jackson of what had transpired, with the help of Google translate.

“I…talked to your doctor.” He said in unsteady English, and Jackson looked at him with mild curiosity.

“You speak English but you’re from Hong Kong? Is that…regular?” Jaebum added out of curiosity.

Jackson’s eyes were flitting to his ears, distracted by the shiny metal of his piercings. He seemed pleased by them. Jaebum smiled at him. Despite how unnerving he was; the kid _was_ kind of cute.

 _‘Ran samples, he’s 100% clean.’_ The text came in right as Jaebum’s skype started ringing, and he stared at it. If Jackson wasn’t on drugs, then he was just about the strangest human being he’d met. Even as he thought that, Jackson was petting at his computer like he didn’t know what to do with it. Jaebum sat down quickly, a million questions bubbling to the forefront of his mind. Maybe he had autism? That didn’t explain the **teeth** , though. Either way he wanted answers, now.

“Hello?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are much appreciated! I had to think for a while to come up with a plot I was happy with, and now I'm excited to move forward!


	3. Some Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum ends up with more questions than answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to write this story with a stupid backstory like 'werewolves have always been a thing, go with it'! I did some research and wasn’t satisfied with anything I found from a historical or mythical standpoint—it was all too cheesy and non-believable to me. Then I thought, we live in a world of genetic mutation, where chicken cloning is a reality. So I decided to go with a more sci-fi sort of take on the whole ‘wolf boy’ concept, and I think I’m happy with how it turned out. It's something that if you squint really hard, makes a tiny semblance of sense. xD 
> 
> I'm REALLY sorry for how wordy and dry it is, I wanted to lay a good foundation. Hopefully you don't fall asleep and bear with me. Future chapters will be more lively. -Snaps fingers to jazz band-

That pressure you feel when you’ve been trying to cram an entire text book into your mind the night before an exam, the information draining pathetically out of your ears are you try desperately to contain it like water in a strainer—Jaebum identified heavily with that concept.

It had been a ten-minute conversation so far, but his mind had run off without him in the first two.

 _“I’m certain you’ve heard of wolf-strain, have you not?”_ Jackson’s doctor, or what, _veterinarian,_ spoke calmly as he pushed the limits of Jaebum’s brain. Yes, he’d heard of wolf-strain, the sort of 80s propaganda that had run rampant on early morning news shows, along with segments on _flying cars in 5 years_ , and _cloning—now a reality._ Wolf-strain had been a concept that was simple enough, a term given to people who supposedly had genes strong or mutated enough to successfully mate and create off-spring with wolves, resulting in a hybrid super human that carried the best traits of both parents. The demand had sprung up in response to the AIDS crisis—a disease so deadly it had shocked doctors into looking into whatever they could to build up any sort of defense.

Like most fads in the 80’s and 90’s, there had been a lot of hype surrounding it, quack doctors flinging around big phrases like _reverse strain genome anomaly_ , claiming that ‘wolf-strain’ would eventually save the world, creating smarter, stronger, fitter, healthier super human beings. People had lined up get tested for ‘wolf-strain’ clamouring for the opportunity to be the start of ‘Generation-W’. Like most wild propaganda-driven ideas, talk, and funding, had died as quickly as it had begun.

Still, every couple years, a news article cropped up about the wolf-strain lab in Hong Kong, but, along with articles about sheep cloning or people rising from the dead, Jaebum had always written it off as well… _bull-shit_? Sci-fi, comic book bullshit.

 “Yes.” He said finally, slowly, wondering if asking for this doctor’s credentials for a third time would be over the top. He’d background checked as soon as he had gotten a name, and this guy seemed legitimate enough. Dr. Park Jin-Young, with dozens of published articles, studies, even a fully, published journal, with awards to boot. All about ‘wolf-strain’, which right now, to Jaebum, still was just translating to _bullshit._ More importantly though, Jackson had at least recognized the man, which meant he had _some_ place in his life. 

“To clarify.” He said, shaking his head clear. “At the core, you’re telling me that Jackson. Is a werewolf?”

Doctor whoever laughed and Jaebum narrowed his eyes at his webcam, growing more frustrated by the second. Was he being punk’ed right now?

“ _No, not at all.”_ He started loftily, and Jaebum interrupted.

“He…is a _half human being_ , that has a father for a wolf, as well as the tendencies of a wolf, particularly during a full moon?” Jaebum said the last part very quickly, because it was all so entirely absurd he didn’t want the words on his lips for too long.

“As I said.” Dr. Jin-Young nearly sounded frustrated, and Jaebum was outraged. You couldn’t just casually be like ‘oh yeah, werewolves are a thing’ and expect him to go ‘kay’. He needed a proper explanation.

_“Jackson is a strain B, meaning he has only two mutated gene strains. Because of this, he is a human being.  He cannot ‘transform into a wolf’, transfiguration technology does not yet exist, but he  carries many of the tendencies and characteristics of a wolf, particularly at certain points of the lunar cycle when his altered genes are more strongly present —“_

“A full moon.” Jaebum said dryly.

_“Yes. Outside of this time period, he is like any other human being but carries very strong characteristics of his gene pool, such as sharp canines, advanced hearing and smell, and agility, simply from having been raised alongside his clan members.”_

“And his clan—”

_“Consists only of his two brothers and his father. His mother, a strain C, meaning a human being with the genetic mutation necessary to mate with wolves, passed away shortly after Jackson’s brothers birth.”_

“And his dad is a wolf.” Jaebum decided he would just flow with this whole ridiculous fest like he was a character in a movie. ‘ _Oh, zombies? Because of a mutant gene? Ok sure! That makes absolute zero fucking sense, but let’s go with it for plots sake!’_

_“Well…correct.”_

“K.” Jaebum said, nodding slowly, his eyes narrowing to near-oblivion.

_“Don’t be alarmed. Both Jackson and his brother were conceived in the lab before being artificially inseminated.”_

Like that was what Jaebum was alarmed about.

 “And his brothers…”

_“His younger brother, Bambam, is strain A-1, a wolf with uncharacteristically heightened intelligence as well as other remarkable human traits, and his older brother is strain C-1, a human with the same expressed mutated gene as their mother, but with very few tendencies of a wolf, if any._

“And right now, his dad and brother are on their way to Russia because they’re both sick?”

_“Correct. We’re trying to get them to the testing facility as soon as possible, because both their symptoms are quite concerning. Jackson exhibited neither of their symptoms, despite having the same living conditions, so it’s assumed their condition is related to their mutated genes.”_

“And Jackson got separated from them at the train station?” Jaebum glanced to Jackson, who had been interested in the conversation for all of a minute, and was now literally playing with a beetle crawling across the hardwood floor, which wouldn’t be that weird, except he had been completely enraptured by the little for all of 13 minutes.  

 _“I-I’m really not sure how that happened.”_ Finally, Dr. Jin-Young faltered, glancing down. “ _He doesn’t travel too frequently, and all our staff was attending to his father and brother. We all thought he was asleep in his cabin and didn’t realize until we arrived at the airport. Because of how quickly we needed to attend to his family members, we had to move quickly. It was a good decision—his father lost consciousness shortly after arrival and is currently in intensive care.”_

The corner of Jaebum’s lip curled—this guy seemed to be making excuses for the very shitty thing of leaving Jackson behind in a country he’d never been in before, to fend for himself—to the advantage of his cool, genetically rare family members. Jaebum felt a surge of protection for Jackson—he knew what it felt like to be left behind.

“And so…he was raised his whole life in a lab?” Jaebum asked. He couldn’t really wrap his head around this whole _wolf genes_ , thing, so for now he would tackle the bits he could understand.

“ _In a…facility_. _At his core Jackson and his siblings are well…experiments. Our hope is to continue to expand on this project, in particular with his father and brother. Currently we have two prospective females in the US that have tested positive for the wolf-strain that we would like to mate them with.’_

“So…when will you come for Jackson?” Jaebum asked, because if he heard ‘wolf-strain’ one more time his eyes would roll right out of his head. This episode of the Twilight Zone was not for him. 

In his periphery, Jackson looked distraught as the beetle finally decided he was done with him and flew away. 

_“His brother Mark has been alerted and should be in contact with you shortly. He resides in California and will be able to take care of Jackson for you. For your trouble, you will be well compensated, as well as emailed a list of specifications required for Jackson until his brother arrives.”_

“He’s not going to go ape-shit on me at any point is he?” Jaebum asked suddenly. “Like he’s not going to up and bite me all of a sudden.” As he asked, he googled the next full moon.

_“There’s no need to worry about that. Mark should arrive by the end of the weekend at the latest.”_

That didn’t answer Jaebum’s question at all. It was comforting however, that the next full moon wasn’t for two weeks.

 _“I must thank you profoundly for your assistance.”_ Dr. Jin-Young was saying, and Jaebum’s phone pinged as a hefty email arrived in his inbox. “Is, is this a contract?” He asked in confusion, scrolling through his phone.

_“You understand why Jackson’s nature must remain confidential?”_

“Uhm…I guess.” Jaebum wanted nothing more than to hang up and go to sleep now, his whole head was abuzz. “I…gotta go. So…is that ok?”

_“That should be all.”_

“Do you want to talk to Jackson?” Jaebum blinked, the idea suddenly dawning on him. "You must have been worri--"

_“No need. Goodbye.”_

The phone call ended, suddenly, and Jaebum bristled. “You certainly get a lot of love.” He tossed the sentence in Jackson's direction, a frown forming on his face. That had been the quickest finish since his first time. He hadn’t even been able to mention what seemed to be memory loss, much less ask about Jackson’s intelligence levels, how much English and Korean he knew, pretty much anything. He hadn’t learned anything about him so much as been given a million new questions, plus a bad science-fiction novel.

 

He sat there for a while, stewing in this new-found information, focusing on the coffee stain on the counter. Why was his life suddenly so bizarre? He might have sat there forever if Jackson hadn’t come towards him, a question on his lips. “Food?” he asked in Korean.

“Did you not just eat my lunch for three days?” Jaebum asked, blinking up at him. “I don’t really have much…more…I mean…I guess we could go to the grocery store…are you even allowed outdoors??”

Crazy, this was all **crazy**.

Jackson crouched down by him, his eyes searching Jaebum’s face with concern, like an honest to goodness puppy, seriously. Seriously? Jaebum kept trying to shake his head clear but it did nothing but give him a headache. He felt Jackson’s hand on his knee and he looked down at him, into those bright almond-shaped eyes. Puppy dog eyes. They looked intelligent, and ridiculously comforting, although he wasn’t sure why this overwhelming feeling of existentialism was gripping him in the first place. “Don’t be sad.” Jackson said. It was a statement, almost cocky in it’s off-handedness, and Jaebum couldn’t help grin. Who the hell was this kid.

“Let’s get you some food.” He agreed, and Jackson lit up.

Jaebum had to admit it was kind of cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I toyed the idea of Jackson only being raised with wolves and not actually having any special capabilities, but the idea of him basically having been raised in a lab, with some bits of him purely controlled by genetics, was too cool to pass up!


	4. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson isn't bothered by Jaebum, and Jaebum kind of likes that.

“Here.” Jaebum pulled a plain white t-shirt and basketball shorts from his closet, handing them to Jackson who sat at the edge of his bed. Jackson seemed fascinated by his bed, moving around to different sides, bouncing slightly, before deciding on a spot he liked, all as Jaebum searched through his closet. “You can wear these, they might be a little long on you but it can’t be helped.”

 _‘Keep ignoring me and see what happens.’_ The text pinged in to join the others, unread and untouched. Jaebum decided that today, he wasn’t going to deal with Jimin. One day off couldn’t possibly be that much to fathom? Especially considering Jimin was the same person that had ignored him for three days for bringing her coffee with full fat milk.

“Come.” Jaebum called, and Jackson hopped off the bed to follow him into the bathroom. He could get used to this lightning quick obedience. Jackson was like a well-trained dog—which supposedly wasn’t too far from the truth, but Jaebum wasn’t ready to begin thinking about that yet.

“You can’t brush your teeth because I only have one tooth brush.” Jaebum said as he pushed the bathroom door. Except there were two toothbrushes there, sitting innocently in the mug as if they didn’t know what their presence meant. Jaebum snatched up the second toothbrush, his eyes narrowing. _Jimin_. She was always leaving things at his place, despite him firmly telling her not to. “She’s nesting.” Jinyoung had said. “Trying to leave things around till you don’t even notice she’s moved in and you have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.” Jaebum scowled, slamming the offending toothbrush unto the counter. He hated being manipulated.

He grabbed the bottle of mouthwash from the counter, pouring a capful for Jackson. “Gargle this.” He instructed, moving to hand Jackson the receptacle, before stopping. “Don’t swallow it.” Jackson took the cap carefully, his fingers small and calloused, sniffing at it carefully before tossing it back—swallowing it—and making a face.

“I’m not sure what I expected.” Jaebum said slowly, leaning in to sniff at Jackson. He’d pass. Jackson handed back the cap proudly, awaiting further instruction. “You’re a pain, aren’t you?” Jaebum said, putting the cap down. He wasn’t a patient person, and he wasn’t fond of attending to other people. Some called it selfish, he liked to call it _pro-independence._

 

“According to this, your diet should consist of minimal processed foods, 60% meat and only 10% vegetables?” Jaebum inspected his phone skeptically, propping himself up against the handle of the shopping cart. “Did you write this?”

Jackson picked a box of cereal from the shelf. His entire face had lit up upon entering the supermarket and Jaebum had already had to stop him from eating 3 things. He watched Jackson out of the corner of his eye as he attempted to pry the box open while he thought he wasn’t being watched, before flitting his gaze towards him. Jackson froze guiltily, not making eye-contact.

“Are you three?” Jaebum chided, refocusing on his phone. _Meat should never be overcooked, medium rare is most appropriate. No refined sugars—fruit should be minimal. White carbohydrates and starches should be minimal. Do not allow more than 3 meals a day with one snack maximum. Jackson enjoys eggs, which are fine, but cheese and milk should be minimal. Jackson will appear to be hungry and ask for food—do not concede to him--_

Jaebum pushed his cart along absent-mindedly, shutting off his screen. Yadayada, he got it. Lots and lots of meat, he could do that. Why did this kid have a specific diet anyways? It all seemed very unnecessary. Jackson trailed silently behind him. All in all, he was an ok guy. Didn’t talk much, seemed generally pleased by most things, and _didn’t talk much_. Watching his mushroom blond hair bounce as he tried to steal snacks was also kind of interesting.

“Eggs!” Jackson exclaimed in English when they got to the dairy aisle. He picked up a carton with eager fingers, popping it open.

“Hey, put that back.” Jaebum said, moving to grab the carton from Jackson, who jerked away, scowling. Jaebum frowned, feeling his frustration rising. His temper was petty famous, anyone who’d ever gotten close enough to him was well aware (and that list was short). It was short and hot, boiling into his throat before he had time to think, and usually all it took for people to give in to him was that moment he narrowed his eyes, his lip just beginning to curl. Once he did that, his classmates stopped giving him shit, the cashier stopped being a dick, even Jimin shut up ( _in the beginning anyways_ ). When he got mad his whole body got mad, it was scary the way everything changed from deep within himself the whole way through.

But there was no point in getting mad with this kid—who’s face had already returned to neutral and was inspecting the eggs happily. He seemed impervious to the fact that Jaebum was ready to blow up at him, and that was both frustrating and fascinating. “Fine, take your eggs.” Jaebum said, as if his permission was what Jackson had been waiting for. He glanced into his cart, overfull with meat, and wondered _‘How the fuck will I pay for all this?’_ looking up in time to watch Jackson attempt to bite into the egg, seemingly surprised by the yolk that spilled from the cracked shell. Jaebum stared at him and Jackson stared at the egg, betrayed.

Okay.

 

“He probably has some form of intellectual disability.” Taecyeon said quietly, tilting his head in Jackson’s direction. “You mean like retardation?” Jaebum blinked and Taecyeon grit his teeth. “Not politically correct anymore, but yes…did the brother respond yet?”

“Yeah.” Jaebum nodded, checking his phone. “He’s coming from California. He was pretty pissed no one told him his brother was missing in the first place.”

“That’s…kind of bizarre. What did this doctor even tell you about Jackson?” Taecyeon asked. After getting back home with Jackson, Jaebum had cooked 2 steaks for him, trying to get him to eat it on a plate, but he had refused, scarfing both down in minutes. And now he was asleep on the couch, curled into a position that couldn’t possibly be comfortable.

“Uh…he was pretty cracked.” Jaebum said vaguely. “I don’t think he was a real doctor. I mean…the point is the brother should be here by Monday, he said he was booking the next available flight. And he seemed sensible enough. So, this should all be over soon. I don’t really care to know about the semantics.”

“Hm...” Taecyeon mused, sipping his beer thoughtfully. “Really? I mean, you practically saved his life, don’t you feel any sort of sentimentality towards him?”

“Not an ounce.” Jaebum responded breezily. “Look at the state of my kitchen. The sooner he’s out the better.”

“Ooh, you’re so tough. Your lack of empathy is _so sexy_.” Taecyeon swooned, and Jaebum grinned. “Text your girlfriend, she’s bugging me.”

“Text her yourself.”

“I did. I told her you were shaking up with a foreign boy for the weekend and she got very upset.”

 _“Fuck you.”_ Jaebum laughed.

“Seriously, do you remember the time I asked to taste some of your ramen, what you said?” Taecyeon asked. “I don’t remember.” Jaebum said innocently.

“You said you’d remember exactly how many milligrams I took and remind me until I gave them back, _with interest.”_ Taecyeon was quick to the draw with his reply. “My point is…why do you suddenly have a heart? You let this guy into your house, fed him, clothed him, fed him _again._ ”

“I’m a _nice_ person.” Jaebum protested. “I do…things.”

“You’re _nice_ like my aloe Vera plant. I’d have to cut you open to get to your soft side.” Taecyeon laughed.   

“Yeah well…it’s not like you need me.” Jaebum shrugged, swiping at his phone. He could feel Taecyeon observing him silently, his eyes calculating. Jaebum had grown up as an only child, with strict, brisk parents that raised him as if he were a business partner. If he had wanted something, he had needed to work for it—hard, and then harder than that, just for good measure. That way of life made sense to him. So he wasn’t flowery, but providence was better than poetry.

“Do you think Jackson needs you?” Taecyeon asked gravely, a smile tugging at his lip. “Is this your god-complex again?”

“Don’t you have a thesis to write?” Jaebum bristled.

“True.” Taecyeon finished his drink. “Besides, I’m sure you want to be left alone with your beau.”

“…”

“Text your girlfriend.”

“The alternative?”

“Break up with her?”

“The _alternative,_ alternative?”

“Goodbye, Jaebum—oh, hi, Jackson.” Taecyeon said as he slipped on his shoes, watching the sleepy figure rise from the couch.

“Hullo.” Jackson smiled.

 “Did you sleep well?” Taecyeon asked in English, smiling warmly.

Jackson nodded, rubbing at his eyes. “Yeah. The couch is soft.”

“That’s nice.” Taecyeon said patronizingly “Well, I’ll—”

“My drug test was good?” Jackson asked, and Taecyeon froze, staring at him.

“…What?”

“That’s what the pee was for, right?”

“What did he say?” Jaebum asked, startled to watch the color drain from Taecyeon’s face.

 

 “Taecyeon?”


	5. Normal?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark comes for Jackson and a lot of eggs are eaten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, Dr. Park Jinyoung is JYP and Jinyoung is Junior!

Everything was a mess, things that hadn’t looked like they could be messes—were. It was 11 am in the morning and the kitchen looked a complete mess, war-torn and disheveled. For each thing Jaebum had tried to clean up or put away, Jackson had knocked two more over. Jaebum couldn’t tell if he was honestly trying to be helpful or aggravate him to no end.

“Peel these.” Jaebum instructed, popping three boiled eggs into a bowl and setting it in front of Jackson who stood beside him at the counter. Jackson reached for the eggs, knocking over the open bag of coffee beans and Jaebum watched them spill unto the floor—entirely unimpressed. “Oh no!” Jackson exclaimed, reaching to grab the bag and prop it back up. He crouched to the ground, picking up the beans one by one and popping them into the bag. Jaebum said nothing. So he couldn’t use those beans anymore, and his kitchen counter was covered in flour (and the floor, and the stools). So his bathroom was sopping wet because Jackson apparently hadn’t been in the mood to bathe and he had literally had to wrestle him into the tub.

Jaebum had decided he was going to treat this weekend like a bad dream, and besides, Jackson’s brother had boarded his flight that morning—Jackson would be gone soon enough. Jackson scratched at the eggs, peeling them efficiently before popping them into his mouth. “Mm.” he smiled. “I like eggs.”

“I wish you liked _cleaning._ ” Jaebum said testily, vaguely registering that Jackson had spoken Korean, and putting the pot into the dishwasher. “My apartment looks like crap.”

Jackson scratched behind his ear, finishing the last of his eggs and Jaebum watched him. “If you are a wolf-child” he said, flinching at the sound of the words, “You’re a failed experiment. All you do is eat more often and not clean up after yourself. Any teenager can do that.” Jackson smiled loftily, walking away into the living room and turning on the television and Jaebum scrubbed the counter in aggravation. Mark couldn’t arrive any faster.

 

“Who is _that_? Why does your apartment look like _shit_? Is this why you’ve been ignoring my messages, are you _serious_?” Jimin’s shrill voice rang through the apartment and Jaebum exhaled, squeezing his eyes shut. He had nearly forgotten she knew where he lived. “Im Jaebum, answer me right now, what the fuck.”

“He’s my cousin.” Jaebum said without skipping a beat, glancing at Jackson, who was staring at Jimin with complete detest, a look Jaebum hadn’t previously known he had been capable of. “Why is your cousin here?” Jimin asked in a way that meant she really didn’t care to know.

“Why are _you_ here?” Jaebum asked. “I don’t feel like fighting anymore.”

“I’m not here to fight.” Jimin pouted, putting on her syrup-voice, stepping towards Jaebum. “I just want to talk.”

“Talk about how you refuse to support my thesis?” Jaebum asked, his jaw set. “No thanks. I’m not changing it.”

“Babe, I just miss you.” Jimin mumbled, pressing her face up against Jaebum’s chest, and he couldn’t help hugging her despite all of his bravado. People always wondered why he stayed with her and he couldn’t really explain it. Well, he could. He actually didn’t like being alone, and he didn’t think he was going to find another person that would be willing to put up with him, his temper and his misgivings. Most people held him at arms length. Jimin didn't. That was it.

So he shoved his frustration into a corner and kissed Jimin, despite nothing being ok between them. No one liked being alone. They were always in a cycle of fighting and making up with no end in sight, and it was stupid, but…whatever.

“Mm.” Jaebum felt Jackson against his shoulder and he pulled away to look at him. Jackson was making a face, shoving his way between them. “Uhm??” Jimin exclaimed, looking at Jackson furiously. “What is your _cousin_ doing?”

“I don’t think he likes us kissing.” Jaebum didn’t try to hide the amusement in his voice.

“Are you…is this a joke to you? Why are you letting him do that??” Jimin yelled, her lip curling. “You know what, fuck this. Don’t talk to me me till you get rid of your 'cousin'. I’m serious.” She grabbed her bag up and shot Jackson a look, who shot her one back.

“Urgh!” She slammed the door unceremoniously and Jaebum considered following her for only a second, before turning to Jackson.

“I guess you’re good for something.” He smirked. Jackson beamed warmly.

 

“Are you excited to see your brother?” Jaebum asked, checking his phone. It was past midnight and Mark was on his way from the airport. Jackson was half-asleep on the couch, his head tucked under Jaebum’s sweater. Jaebum had managed to get his apartment to an acceptable state and was trying to keep himself awake, clutching his mug of coffee. He was pretty excited. He had a 100 things to do, he had to begin working on his film project for the month, his dance piece, and most importantly, he _had to catch up on sleep._

“I really hope he’s more normal than you…” Jaebum mumbled, looking over at Jackson. “Don’t give me that look.” Jackson’s eyes were closed and he pulled Jaebum’s sweater closer, inhaling deeply.

“You’re not _the worst_.” Jaebum admitted, reaching down to rub Jackson’s head, and Jackson stirred against his stomach. He wasn’t going to _miss_ Jackson—it would be a little less interesting without him though. And he would have to deal with his girlfriend again, with her voice and her manipulation. Urgh.

_‘I think I’m here. Floor 3, right?’_

Jaebum stood quickly, knocking Jackson from his lap, and rushed to the door. _‘Yeah._ ’ He sent, pushing the door open and sticking his head out. “Jackson stay here.” He instructed, walking to the elevator. For some reason, he felt nervous. Meeting another part of this bizarre human he’d been attending to for 3 days now was an interesting prospect. As much as he hadn’t wanted to think anymore about this whole ‘wolf-strain’ thing, he did want more answers. For instance, why did Jackson know how to read, but didn’t understand the concept of the supermarket?

“Hey, are you Jaebum?” The elevator doors opened to reveal a slender red-head in an oversized sweater and ripped jeans, a suitcase in his right had and a duffle slung over his shoulder. “Yeah.” Jaebum said. “Uh, hi.” He blinked, taking in what was presumably Mark. He hadn’t really known what to expect, but this guy wasn’t it. Mark looked like an anime character, he was so…pretty. His hair was red like the shade of copper, with deep undertones and the subtlest of orange highlights. His face was fantastically symmetrical, and he had the same ultrabright eyes as Jackson, but shaped differently, coupled with the reddest lips Jaebum had ever seen, and he smiled in a way Jaebum wouldn’t mind seeing again. Jaebum reached for Mark’s suitcase. “Let me help you.” He offered, as Mark stepped out of the elevator.  

“Hi, Jaebum.” Mark smiled warmly, and Jaebum felt disarmed, like he didn’t know what to do with himself. When Mark smiled, little puffs appeared under his eyes, just like Jackson’s, and he had a soft, relaxing, slightly raspy voice. His smile vanished into a yawn and Jaebum gazed at his canines--so sharp it was a wonder Mark didn’t bite his own tongue.

“Sorry.” Mark said softly, covering his mouth, his duffle sliding off of his shoulders. “I’m exhaustered.”

“Flying across the world will do that to you.” Jaebum replied, taking Mark’s duffle from him. It was disconcerting how drawn he was to him. He almost wanted Mark to have more luggage so he could take it away from him. “Yeah.” Mark smiled sleepily.

“Oh, sorry. My apartments just here.” Jaebum blinked, realizing he was just standing there and smiling stupidly, blood pounding in his ear. “No worries.” Mark said, following him. He seemed unfazed by Jaebum’s lack of coherence. ‘He’s probably used to people staring at him all the time.’ Jaebum thought, pushing his door open. This was Jackson’s brother? His brother looked like a bisexual’s fantasy.

“I really hope Jackson hasn’t been too much trouble.” Mark said, sounding like he knew very much that Jackson had been a lot of trouble. “He’s been as....entertaining as he’s been exasperating.” Jaebum responded, setting Mark’s bags down, pleased to see Mark take his shoes off on his own. _Normal._

“I can’t really begin to thank you—” Mark started, before stopping suddenly, sniffing the air. “I smell you, di.” He said, in English. “Don’t try to hide.”

Jaebum watched Mark prowl slowly into the living room, his shoulders hunched like a tiger on the hunt for prey. He looked around with sharp eyes, finally letting them settle on the edge of the couch. “I see you bro!” he yelled, and Jaebum jumped as Jackson exploded from behind the couch, attacking Mark so quickly it knocked the breath out of him. They rolled around on the ground, something between fighting and hugging and Jaebum watched in complete bewilderment. Jackson was making literal _animal sounds_ , but he looked so happy as he rubbed and nuzzled against Mark, it reminded Jaebum of those videos in which dogs reunited with their owners.

Mark pinned Jackson to the floor eventually, and they stared at each other so long Jaebum thought they might start kissing, and he wasn’t fully sure about how he would feel about that, but Mark just lowered his head to press his forehead against Jackson’s, and Jackson rubbed against him, and his eyes were swimming with so much affection Jaebum was nearly covetous. He didn’t think he’d ever seen people look at each other like that before.

Mark whispered something to Jackson that Jaebum couldn’t understand and Jackson nodded furiously, making Mark grin, and when Mark finally stood, Jackson hung off his shoulders like a koala. “Can I get you anything to drink?” Jaebum asked weakly, and Mark laughed, his canines flashing.

So neither of them were _normal_ , but luckily, they had crazy endearing smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving slowly for now, but they pick up quickly, trust.


	6. My Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum's heart grows 3 sizes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter jumped OUT of my hands and straight into the firepan like honestly it left me behind. I actually teared up, who am I? I have to add the angst tag now, so, warning. 
> 
> Songs written to:  
> Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat World  
> Home- Billy Crudup  
> Turning Page- Sleeping at Last  
> A Few Years Later- Block B

“If you don’t mind my asking,” Jaebum said, carefully handing Mark a mug of hot chocolate with a warning that it was hot, before sitting across from him in the armchair. “Where exactly do you fit into this whole…wolf thing?” He’d given the siblings some time to talk but Jackson had seemed more interested in getting himself as close to Mark as possible rather than having a deep discussion with him.

Currently, Jaebum could only see bits and pieces of Jackson’s hair—his face was tucked under Mark’s arm, his body sprawled against the older boy’s lap, his chest pressed up against Mark’s. Jackson was incredible at contorting himself, he looked somewhat like a sling bag, his arms wrapped around Mark tightly and legs tucked underneath him. It was pretty comical. He must have _really_ missed Mark. Mark seemed entirely comfortable with Jackson like this, maneuvering himself to rest his mug against Jackson’s side after taking a sip.

“Mh…” Mark smiled ruefully. “That’s a pretty loaded question.” he said, breaking eye-contact with Jaebum. He was quiet for a few moments, looking as if he was choosing his words carefully.

“Uhm.” He finally said, looking back up to Jaebum, who tried his best to look inviting (but it was hard to do that when you had such an intimidating face). “So, I’m the oldest of the three of us and the least of a ‘success’.” He tossed up air quotes with one hand, rolling his eyes. “I have absolutely no special characteristics apart from these,” He pointed to his mouth “and sharper vision and smell.” He shrugged. “But not _that_ much sharper than a regular person’s, as I was often told. So basically, by the time I was…eight or nine, and it became clear that I was nothing special, I was pretty much abandoned.”

Jaebum wanted to tell Mark he didn’t have to talk about this anymore, watching the way his face slipped into a quiet sort of sadness—the special brand of old pain that continued to throb long past its initialization, but he was so curious he couldn’t help ask. “Abandoned?”

“I’m being dramatic.” Mark said, shaking his head. “I was eventually phased out of testing and training and sent to a local school with other children in Hong Kong. Man, that was an adjustment, they say I didn’t speak a word for over a year.”

Jaebum smiled, nodding. He could already imagine a small, silent Mark.

“I still lived with Jackson, who was six at the time, and exhibited far more advanced tendencies than I ever had—advanced hearing, smell, vision, plus speed, healing times, so many things, all at just six years old.” Mark rattled off the traits as if they’d been drilled into his mind---they probably had been. And Bambam was only two and half at the time, but he was by far the most special of the three of us. For one, he was born a wolf, an honest to goodness wolf. The scientists were so ecstatic both Jackson and I were practically abandoned for 3 weeks after his birth.” Mark laughed, but there was no joy in it.

“Mom died right after he was born.” He added, and Jaebum parted his lips, feeling heat rising in his throat. “I’m sorry.” He offered. “It’s ok.” Mark said quickly. “It was a long time ago.” Against his chest, Jackson moved, nuzzling closer, and Jaebum could see his hand reach blindly for Mark’s, holding it tightly.

“It was a rough period for us.” Mark said finally, shaking his head. “Bambam was everything they could have dreamed, he was extremely intelligent, he could communicate more effectively than even dolphins, and his life expectancy was estimated to be 40 years, which is absolutely unheard of for a wolf. He was so intelligent he was schooled alongside Jackson for a lot of their childhood.”

“Seriously?” Jaebum blinked.

“Yeah.” Mark laughed. “Trust me, coming home to see a wolf learning about the solar system was ridiculous, even to me. But he was able to point out planets, identify countries and capitals, do basic math, and read and comprehend by the time he was seven. Bambam is a wunderkind, a total miracle—Jackson and I were very constantly reminded of that.”

Jaebum’s brow furrowed as he tried to fathom what Mark was saying. Something about Mark made all of this easier to swallow and listen to, but it was still bizarre.

“So eventually, between Jackson and Bambam, there was no need for me—I was deadweight.” Mark said, traces of a bitter tone in his soft voice. “I was eventually taken in by a foster family—they couldn’t adopt me because I was technically _owned_ by the facility, still am, but they allowed my foster parents to move me with them to California.”

“They moved you away from Jackson?” Jaebum asked, frowning. “But, if he was raised in a facility, did they ever let him leave? Were you his only human interaction apart from scientists??” He hadn’t wanted to get invested, but the idea of Jackson living a silent life in a lab did something to him. He had thought that Mark had at least been with Jackson growing up, another human to play and interact with. The idea of him being abandoned tugged at his heart. He looked to Jackson, at the way he clung to Mark, and suddenly it wasn’t as comical as it had been.

“Uh…” Mark said in bewilderment. “I mean…I was a little kid, I was honestly…so happy to have people who loved me and wanted to take care of me, I jumped at the chance at being freed from the facility. Our mom had been great, but she was sick _all the time_ , most of my memories are of sitting by her bedside and her reading to me. Looking back, she was definitely sick because of all the drugs they had her on, she could hardly walk. All they wanted was as many children as they could get out of her.” Mark wasn’t hiding his anger anymore, his hand visibly shaking, his voice increasing in volume and speed as he went on.

“They killed her, in the end.”

“Mark—”

Mark shook his head deftly. He wasn’t looking for comfort, he needed to vent.

“I was a completely messed up child, and trust me, I felt like a complete asshole for leaving Jackson behind. But there was nothing I could do, not even for myself. A thousand times my parents tried to get custody for me, but they wouldn’t let me go. They could call me any time for testing if they saw fit, and they did. I was terrified of one day being forced to go back. I wanted Jackson with me all the time, and Bambam too. Every time I visited I was torn between wanting to hold them and never let go and wanting to get away as quickly as I could. I was selfish.”

“You weren’t.” Jaebum said quickly. Why did he feel so hot all over? The way Mark spoke was ripping at his heart, all he heard was pain, pain, so much it was hard to breathe. He couldn’t imagine, he didn’t want to, but empathising was easy, Mark didn’t need to say much to paint a complete picture. He and Jackson were basically government owned projects, and that was terrifying to fathom. He wanted to hug Mark, and he never wanted to hug anyone, but he wanted to hug Mark.

“I was.” Mark intertwined his fingers with Jackson, his hand was still shaking. “If I could go back I would _never, ever_ have left him behind, no matter what. Do you know what it’s like hearing the cry of someone who’s world is almost entirely comprised of you?”

Jaebum shook his head, the lump in his throat rising. He really didn’t. Mark squeezed his eyes shut and Jaebum saw him swipe at a tear impatiently. “They fucked him up so much.” Mark bit, his teeth flashing. “Apart from that…all that, I was raised pretty normally, in California. I learned Korean from my foster dad—Jackson knows a fair bit too, but he’s not much of a talker because…well, he didn’t get much a chance to talk.”

Jaebum nodded numbly. He had expected a zany story about Jackson stealing eggs from the kitchen and running outside with the wolves where he learned to be one of them! He had expected a colorful fairytail—the reality sounded bleak. Jackson had been raised in what was essentially a lab, with no one to talk to. He had been tested on extensively, probably pushed to his limits, even being allowed outside wasn’t always an option for him. And his mother had died and his brother who he adored had been forced to leave him. And to top it all off, he had quite literally been abandoned in Korea, left to fend for himself when he’d clearly never been taught how to.

Jaebum felt so angry it was dizzying. Angry and fiercely protective of both Mark and Jackson. He’d never cared for much of anything before, but he cared about them.

“It’s late.” Mark said, suddenly realizing the time. “I’m so sorry Jaebum, I’ve been taking up your time with all of this…I can only imagine how much of your life has been uprooted by Jackson, it’s entirely unfair. We should get out of your hair.”

“No.” Jaebum said, shaking his head deftly and standing. “Absolutely not. It’s way too late. You’re sleeping here.”

“Are you sure?” Mark blinked, and Jaebum nodded, not looking at Mark because he couldn’t right now. “There isn’t enough space out here for both of you, so sleep in my room.”

“Jaebum—”

“Tell me if you need anything.” Jaebum said, picking up their mugs and taking them to the kitchen, moving to the closet to pull out more sheets and blankets, and shoving his bedroom door open.

“Jackson took the toilet paper into the tub with him, so we’re out. I’m going to run to the convenience store and grab some more. Do you need anything? Toothbrush? Actually, Jackson needs one so I’m going to get him one.” Jaebum was speaking very quickly, energy coursing through him as he snatched up his keys and wallet. His bank account was nearly empty but fuck it. He’d have to ask his parents for more than they would ask why and yell at him but fuck it. Whatever, whatever.

“Jaebum.” Mark said, gently adjusting Jackson and standing. “You don’t have to do anything for us, I swear.”

“Get Jackson to sleep.” Jaebum said firmly, pushing his shoes on. “He’ll get cranky otherwise and make that face.” He imitated Jackson’s scowling face and felt his heart melt when Mark smiled. “I’ll be right back.” He said, closing the door and jogging towards the elevator. No, _stairs._ He raced down them two at a time, his head abuzz, and tears ran freely down his cheeks because he couldn’t hold them in anymore. He got outside and stopped, his chest heaving, felt his legs give way underneath him and sank to the ground, sobs tugging at him from inside out.

Jaebum hadn’t cried since he was 14. He hadn’t cried when his father had told him he would amount to absolutely nothing in film school, _absolutely nothing_ , and told him very explicitly the many ways in which he was a firm disappointment. He hadn’t cried when he’d been sent to boarding school in an attempt to drive some sense into him. He hadn’t even cried when he broke his leg and looked at it, bent at an unnatural angle.

And he couldn’t stop crying now, covering his face with both hands, feeling relief hit him as he let his feelings run out without him. He’d called Jackson a _failed experiment_. The way Jackson’s fingers curled around Mark every time the other boy moved, Jaebum could only imagine him thinking _don’t leave me again._ He didn’t try to stop his tears, he couldn’t. His heart throttled to life in his chest and it nearly hurt. Eventually he stood and wiped his face with gasping, shallow breaths.

Caring about other people took so much more out of him than caring about himself ever had.

He was going to get Jackson 2 dozen eggs.


	7. Tell Me More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark fills Jaebum in on some more details, and Jaebum gives Jackson his toothbrush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry things are a bit content-heavy! Lot's of explaining to do!

“Did you sleep well?” Jaebum blinked himself awake, lifting his head to see Mark standing over him with a quiet, pleased expression. “My neck…” Jaebum groaned in reply, wincing as he tried to move it from the unnatural position it was in. The couch had been an awful place to sleep on—he felt bad for having let Jackson sleep there for the weekend, because absolutely no part of him felt rested.

Mark frowned, moving around the couch swiftly, the morning sun halo-effecting around him, bringing out the highlights in his hair. “Let me.” He offered, outstretching his hands in a massaging motion. “You’ll be in pain all day otherwise.”

Jaebum sat up slowly, feeling his bones creaking in protest and sat facing away from Mark, feeling him move behind him. Mark’s fingers were gentle but persistent, sending tinges of pain and pleasure up and down Jaebum’s spine. “Wow…” Jaebum groaned, his eyes falling closed, his back arching happily. “That’s…mm.” Mark’s hands felt like magic, and he smelt fantastic, his warm, even breath ghosting across the back of Jaebum’s neck. “Your girlfriend must _love you_.” Jaebum groaned, his voice escaping low and raspy, and he could feel Mark’s fingers hesitate for just a second, before moving again.

“Yeah.” Mark said finally, and Jaebum was shocked by the sinking feeling in his chest. Why? And why had he even said that statement. ' _Your girlfriend must love you_ ', seriously? ‘ _You_ have a girlfriend.’ He reminded himself in bewilderment, as Mark finished up with a squeeze and he turned to face him. It was so quiet there on the couch and Jaebum swore the sun was following Mark wherever his face happened to turn, his eyes glinting almost amber. Mark had the kind of face you wanted to look at for a long, long time—his lips were such a brilliant shade of red, and the way his long, slender neck met his shoulders—Jaebum blinked and stood up quickly. “Thanks, I feel a lot better.” He said quickly, before adding, “Because of the massage.” Why had he added that??? ‘Captain fucking obvious, I am.’ He busied himself tidying the stack of books on the coffee table, not trusting his words anymore.

“Jackson’s really taken a liking to you.” Mark smiled. “He was talking about you last night.”

“Hm.” Jaebum said, straightening up in curiosity. He hadn’t heard Jackson string a full sentence together yet, so this was interesting. “What did he say?” he asked, putting down a textbook. He didn’t have class on Monday’s but he had an assignment due the next day he was only half done with. He wondered how much future Jaebum would hate current Jaebum by the next day.

“He said you’re always mad about something.” Mark sounded amused. “He called you grumpy dad.”

Jaebum chuckled. “That’s actually hilarious, my friend Jinyoung calls me that all the time.” He offered, sitting beside Mark again. “But it’s fine because he’s a total ‘concerned mom.’”

“You must make a great pair.” Mark grinned. “But really…Jackson hasn’t met many new people in his life, I’m really surprised he’s so fond and trusting with you.”

“Mh. Well I feed him eggs.” Jaebum shrugged. “Speaking of which, I should make him some before he wakes up. Your brother eats like a bear.” He added, heading into the kitchen.

Mark nodded knowingly, following Jaebum.

“So what do you do in California anyway?” Jaebum asked curiously, opening the fridge and pulling out a fresh carton of eggs, and some bacon.

“I’m in my final year of Business and Communication, actually.” Mark said, moving to help Jaebum. “So, hopefully graduating soon.”

“Nice.” Jaebum said. He wanted to avoid all talk that would make Mark’s face like it had been the night before, even though he had so many questions in his mind. Mark seemed to read his mind, because he smiled warmly saying, “Don’t censor yourself. Ask anything you want. It’s not like I get to talk about this with people all the time, confidentiality rules and all. So, it’s nice, I promise.”

“What does Jackson do all day?” Jaebum asked, without skipping a beat. “Does he just sit in a room or something? And how old is he? Can he write? Does he know how to brush his teeth? Because I bought him a toothbrush…”

Mark laughed. “Wow, ok.” He said. “Jackson’s days are pretty varied depending on the time of year. He spends his free time outside with Bambam and his dad, he’s educated for about 4 hours a day, and what he’s taught depends entirely on what they are interested to see him learn. For instance, he has an incredible memory and could learn the periodic table in an afternoon, but he has very bad object permanence—he can never tell which cup has the marble underneath it. He’s fantastic with languages too, he knows basic Japanese he learned from a researcher that visited for only 2 months. So he has a wide knowledge base.” Mark sounded like a proud dad, and Jaebum felt a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Make no mistake, Jackson isn’t stupid. His communication skills are weak because he doesn’t really require much vocalization to communicate with the person most important to him, Bambam. Well…. _person,_ you get it. Because of that though, he has really advanced facial recognition and cues, he can recognize emotions better than the 99% percentile, which is a study they did with him for an entire summer.”

“So basically, sleep, play, get experimented on, and study?” Jaebum said, frowning. “That’s his day? Why didn’t they try to teach him how to cook or…a lot of things required for functioning human beings?”

“Jackson’s must useful trait is pliability.” Mark said, crossing his arms. “They raised him to be heavily dependent on them, like a child. He’s intelligent but naïve, with big knowledge gaps that were purposefully created to cripple his ability to fully mature. He’s 19, he doesn’t know anything about cooking or history, or society, or riding a bike, or sex. Yes, he can write, he’s actually can draw pretty gorgeous calligraphy too. And he does know how to brush his teeth.”

Jaebum listened to Mark thoughtfully. So Jackson had never experienced Christmas or the supermarket or the internet. He wasn’t mentally handicapped, he had just been handicapped by the way he'd been raised.

“Dicks.” He spat.

“You bet.” Mark agreed. “They don’t consider Jackson a human being, Jackson is a government-based project, worth a lot of money and representing years of research.”

“The why the fuck did they lose him in Korea? That seems like the dumbest possible thing they could have done.” Jaebum threw his hands up in exasperation, before grabbing the pot off the stove before it boiled over.

“I actually have been wondering about that myself.” Mark frowned. “Jackson isn’t Bambam, but he’s still important. I’m shocked they let him wander off, it makes me wonder if…” he shook his head, biting his lower lip.

“If what?” Jaebum asked.

“I dunno.” Mark said softly. “Maybe Jackson was trying to escape? But that doesn’t make any sense, he would never try to leave Bambam or his dad, they’re all he knows.”

“You keep saying ‘his dad’. I guess you don’t consider him your dad too?” Jaebum said ruefully. “I mean…I know he’s a wolf. How does that work?”

Mark laughed. “Jackson gets SO mad at me when I say anything bad about his….our…dad. I mean. He’s a wolf. He’s a genetically altered wolf, and the only altercation they made was to extend his life span by a few years. So…basically, all my life, he was like a very close pet to me. I never saw him as a ‘dad’ and he didn’t see me as a ‘son’. It wasn’t like Disney where he raised me and taught me about the wolf pack. I wasn’t told he was my ‘dad’ either, I spent all my time with mom before she died. I think it was my form of rebellion.”

Jaebum nodded. “Why does Jackson get mad when you say that?” he asked. He felt like he was interviewing Mark, but who wouldn’t want to know more about this bizarre world?

“Jackson considers him ‘dad.’ He sleeps outside with him and Bambam, actually. They ‘talk’ to each other, Jackson even howls with him.” Mark shook his head. “It’s ridiculous. I don’t get it. Jackson says they really are communicating; he even says _dad_ taught him things like how to hunt. Don’t get me wrong, Luo—that’s his name, loves Jackson, he loves Jackson the way any animal could love a human, but I don’t think he knows or would care to know that Jackson is his off-spring. I think Jackson has built this relationship up in his head to comfort himself. I don’t blame him.” Mark frowned. “He doesn’t have anything to compare it with anyways."

“Ok, we’re stopping now.” Jaebum said firmly, putting the bacon on a plate. “I don’t want to make you sad.”

Mark smiled. “You’re pretty amazing.” He said. “You took Jackson in without questions and just…took care of him?With how much he eats and makes messes? That’s amazing.”

“Mh.” Jaebum shrugged. “No one would have left a kid in the rain.” He wasn’t going to mention that Jackson’s almond eyes had been a pretty big swaying point. “When’s your flight anyways?”

“6.” Mark said. “I’m so excited actually. I’m going to try my hardest to keep Jackson with me, whatever it takes. I can’t get him legally, but maybe if they’re distracted for long enough we can—anyways you don’t need to hear about my stupid ideas. I’m just excited that he’ll get to experience life for at least a bit of time.”

“Yeah.” Jaebum agreed. “Speaking of the devil, good morning.” He smiled fondly at Jackson, wondering when exactly his smile had become so bright from seeing Jackson. The kid had fluffy morning hair and bleary eyes, he really looked like the kid brother of Mark, Mark with his halo-hair and soft smile.  

Jackson’s eyes brightened and he lunged for the bacon, picking up as many pieces as he could and stuffing them into his mouth. “Warm…” he mumbled, in English. “Egg!”

“Jackson!” Mark chided, laughing, and Jackson moved towards him, rubbing up against Mark happily. Jaebum watched him. Jackson was _kind of_ cute in his own way. He was surprised to feel Jackson against his shoulder, nuzzling him. “Hey.” He blinked, and Jackson did his little happy smile. Ok, he was pretty cute—for a 19-year-old guy.

“Here.” Jaebum said casually, picking up the toothbrush off the counter. “This is for you. I got a red one because you seem to like that. And,” he showed Jackson the little plastic protecting cover, in the shape of a puppy. “It came with this.”

Jackson’s eyes widened to the size of disks, and he looked from the toothbrush to the little cover to Jaebum’s with more joy than Jaebum had ever seen directed at him. “For me??” he asked in Korean, his entire body vibrating. Jaebum couldn’t help smiling, despite himself. _Fuck_ , this kid was so damn cute. Jaebum relaxed his face and lifted his hand to brush his fingertips across the fringe of Jackson’s hair. “Stop overreacting.” He said dryly, looking at Jackson with a serious expression. Jackson took the toothbrush with trembling fingers and clipped the plastic puppy cover around it, his smile getting brighter and brighter.

“Mark!” he yelled, brandishing the brush in his brother’s direction. “L-look!”

Mark nodded appreciatively, giving Jackson the sufficient amount of attention to placate him, and his eyes flitted to meet Jaebum’s over the top of Jackson’s head. Jaebum looked away, feeling his face heat up. It was just a toothbrush, fuck.

“Jackson, don’t be so obnoxious, go brush your teeth.” He said gruffly, and Jackson nodded, practically racing off towards the bathroom.

“He’s acting like no one’s ever given him something before.” Jaebum deflected, trying hard to ignore the happiness bubbling in is stomach from seeing Jackson’s smile. “And look at this mess.” He gestured to the counter. “He doesn’t even say thank you!”

Mark was grinning brightly, not taking his eyes off of Jaebum as he complained and grumbled and cleaned, and Jaebum felt his ears heat up.

“I know. Isn’t he the worst?” Mark smirked when Jaebum had run out of things to say.

“The worst.” Jaebum agreed, trying not to think of Jackson’s grin and how soft his hair had felt. His mind seemed to be struggling to decide who was cuter between Mark and Jackson, they were cute in _very_ different ways. Mark was cute in a way that made Jaebum confused in his pants, and Jackson....well, Jackson's smile would be the _absolute death of him._


	8. Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung saves Jaebum and Mark gets some bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter created a SANDSTORM OF EMOTIONS AND COMMENTS. For everyone who's been wondering or confused--this is a Jackbum fic! That's all I'll say!

“Do you have preproduction plans in mind?” Jinyoung asked, picking up his drink from the counter before following Jaebum to a nearby table in the coffee shop.

“Not really, I haven’t had any time.” Jaebum frowned. Jinyoung was the person he went to when he was seriously behind on work--apart from being a pretty close friend, he was one of the most efficient and hard-working students Jaebum had ever met. Because of this, when Jinyoung had messaged around noon asking if he wanted to meet up for notes, he had jumped at the opportunity, leaving Mark and Jackson at his apartment.

“Sure.” Jinyoung said dryly, pulling out his notebook and handing it to Jaebum, neatly printed lines of notes spread across the page. “These are from Package and Postal Development.” He said, flipping a few pages. “And these are from Editing 3. Read everything I wrote and you should be ok without reading the textbooks. It should save you a couple hours.”

“Package is so dry.” Jaebum mused, flipping through the pages, the print so neat it looked as if it had been typed, highlights and sticky tabs sticking out from different pages. Jinyoung treated film like a science, while Jaebum treated it with the same unabashed passion he tackled everything he loved with. While he didn’t really understand Jinyoung’s methods, he created brilliantly emotional work that always surprised and impressed Jaebum (although he had no intention of ever sharing that with Jinyoung).

“Please don’t mess up my notes.” Jinyoung urged, adjusting his glasses, his brows furrowed. His favourite face, apart from his classic judging face, which was on nearly half of the time, was his concerned face. “Woah!” Jaebum gasped, pretending to nearly drop the notebook unto the table with their coffees, watching Jinyoung’s face melt into total distraught, before laughing and putting them away. “Stop worrying, mom.” He said, reaching over to poke at the worry lines creased on Jinyoung’s face.  

“Why didn’t you read them anyways?” Jinyoung scolded, sipping at his drink. “It’s our final year you know. We have to get serious.”

“Is this you getting serious?” Jaebum grinned, and Jinyoung shot him a look before smiling. “I was busy. Jimin is being a pain.” He added loftily.

“Urgh.” Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Your girlfriend makes me so glad I’m gay.”

“She’s not all bad.” Jaebum defended automatically.

“Hm, well she puts up with you.” Jinyoung teased and Jaebum nodded unconsciously into his drink. _Exactly._ Jinyoung was frowning, and Jaebum lifted his eyes to his friend's. “Hm?” he said.

“You know I’m joking right?” Jinyoung huffed. “You could date any girl you wanted, you know that, right??”

“Eh.” Jaebum said thoughtfully, before smirking. “Or boy, right?”

“Shut up.” Jinyoung’s face immediately shifted back to unimpressed. “I take it back.”

Jaebum laughed. He had met Jinyoung in first year—he had been a pain that kept waking him up while he tried to sleep through morning lectures, offering to help him take notes and study. Jaebum had been reluctant—he hadn’t come to the school looking to make friends. But Jinyoung wasn’t one to take no for an answer, so a friendship had bloomed. Jinyoung was another person who was entirely unfazed by his temper, but that hadn’t always been the case. The first time he’d yelled in frustration, during one of their study sessions, Jinyoung had looked at him with so much concern and fear Jaebum had wanted to shrink into himself. He hated when people looked at him with concern, fear was bad, concern was the worst. He’d gotten enough of that in high school.

Still, their friendship had prevailed, mostly because Jinyoung had thought Jaebum was really talented at filmmaking, and Jaebum had thought Jinyoung was really talented at notetaking. They had fed off each other for the last 3 years, and it had been more helpful than Jaebum would ever admit.

“I gotta duck.” Jaebum said, finishing his drink quickly. “Sorry.”

“Wow, use me and dump me why don’t you?” Jinyoung frowned, his eyebrows shooting up accusingly.

“Just like your last boyfriend.” Jaebum grinned, grabbing his sweater off the back of his chair, nudging Jinyoung’s shoulder. “Bye!”

“WOW.”

 

 

“I’m home!” Jaebum yelled as he arrived, placing his shoes neatly on the mat. He could see Jackson, eating (surprise) a piece of chicken at the coffee table, but he was really pleased to see Mark had convinced him to use a plate. “Hi!” he said excitedly, jumping up. He was wearing clothes Jaebum didn’t recognize, a soft looking grey sweater over an oversized t-shirt, and cotton shorts with little blue drawstrings. “Did Mark bring clothes for you?” Jaebum asked, and Jackson nodded, pointing to the suitcases still sitting by the door. Jackson had begun responding to his Korean with increasing consistency, although he still didn’t speak it very much. His mushroom blond hair was washed and neat, and he smelt great. “You look good.” Jaebum said, walking towards him. “Where’s Mark?”

He glanced down and noticed the toothbrush he had gotten Jackson was sticking out of his pocket, and he couldn’t help smile. Dammit Jackson was endearing. “In there.” Jackson gestured to the bedroom. “He’s on the phone.” Jaebum couldn’t resist reaching out to ruffle Jackson’s hair, carding his fingers through it and watching as it fell back into place.

“Ok.” Jaebum said, pulling his sweater off. “Make sure you wash your hands, ok?”

“Yeah.” Jackson said, and Jaebum blinked, because had Jackson just rolled his eyes a little? He must’ve imagined that. He didn’t know Jackson to be capable of **sass**.

“Jaebum, can I talk to you?” Mark poked his head out of Jaebum’s bedroom door, looking at him intently.

“Uh, sure.” Jaebum said, glancing back at Jackson as he walked towards Mark. “I think Jackson might’ve just sassed me…”

“He’s getting comfortable.” Mark smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“What’s up?” Jaebum asked, as Mark closed the door.

“So…I have to go home.” Mark said, and Jaebum nodded. “Yeah…” he spoke slowly. He was well aware of that.

“My…dad is in the hospital.” Mark sat on the edge of Jaebum’s bed, clasping his hands. “He had a heart attack last night.”

Jaebum didn’t know what to say, his jaw working soundlessly.

“So naturally, I have to get home. Right now, his right side is paralyzed. Mom needs help, quickly. He’s going to be ok. But I—” Mark covered his face and Jaebum blinked rapidly, moving towards Mark. ‘ _Please don’t cry, please don’t cry.’_ He begged in his mind, awkwardly standing by Mark, totally lost on what to do.

“I’m sorry.” He said finally. “That’s awful…”

“Mom has _two_ foster kids they _just_ took in. There’s no way she’s going to be able to do this alone…I’m going to have to take time off school, I’m going to have to go home and help out…” Mark was talking to himself, mumbling into his hands, rambling. “The timing couldn’t be worse—she’s working now! This…”

“Mark.” Jaebum said. “You have to leave Jackson with me.” The words came out without thought, surprising him, but he didn’t want to take them back, they felt right coming off of his tongue. He crouched to meet Mark at eye-level, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“No.” Mark said firmly, keeping his face firmly planted in his hands. “No, no way. Jackson is…you’re a total stranger, this _isn’t your problem_. It will be fine, I’ll just--”

“Just what?” Jaebum asked, in what he really hoped was a gentle tone. “Just assimilate him to a new environment while taking care of your entire family?”

“Jackson _is_ my family.” Mark’s head shot up and tears stained his cheeks, tugging at Jaebum’s heart. Fuck. “I can’t fucking abandon him AGAIN for my own selfish reasons.”

“Just till your dad gets on his feet.” Jaebum said, again without thinking. “And I’m not just a random person anymore…no one would be so heartless as to not care about your situation, not even me.”

“Jackson isn’t _easy_ to take care of.” Mark said, shaking his head back and forth, on repeat, his eyes looking past Jaebum.

“Exactly.” Jaebum said, and Mark finally looked at him.

“He eats everything.”

“I know.”

“He doesn’t always listen.”

“I know.

“He..he’s never…been in a situation like this. I don’t even know what it’s like.” Mark bit his lips.

“It’ll be fine.” Jaebum said.

“Don’t you have to go to class??” Mark asked.

“I’m only taking 3 courses this semester, I have time.” Jaebum said. That was a lie, but he could see Mark thinking, he watched at least some of the worry draining from his face, and he would say anything to watch that continue happening.

“Jackson hasn’t let go of that toothbrush you gave him.” Mark smiled a little, meeting Jaebum’s eyes. “He really likes you.”

“It’ll probably be a couple weeks.” Jaebum said. “You just need to get your dad situated and figure things out. It’ll be like…sleepaway camp for Jackson.”

Mark was quiet, his eyes fliting around the room as he thought through every possibility. “There’s no way I could take Jackson to my parent’s home with me. It would be total chaos.”

Jaebum nodded slowly.

“You..why would you do this?” Mark asked. “I really don’t get it. Why would you invest your time and energy and money into my brother? He’s a total stranger and I’m sure he’s already caused you so much trouble.”

“I like him.” Jaebum shrugged. “He’s a cool guy. I don’t like a lot of people.”

“He likes you too.” Mark smiled. “He’s happy here.”

Jaebum nodded, waiting with baited breath. Jackson was a ton of trouble, he was a frustrating, messy, strange human being (mostly), but he Jaebum had already found himself…missing the idea of Jackson around. A couple more weeks of him wasn’t the worst thing he could imagine.

“Ok.” Mark said finally. “Ok.”

Jaebum stood. “Ok.” He said, surprised to feel Mark wrap his arms around him. He hugged back, and his heart thumped in his chest, blood in his ears. Mark smelt amazing, he felt amazing, and when he pulled back Jaebum wanted to hug him again. What the fuck was with this guy and the emotions he caused in his chest. It was really, really confusing, and Jaebum thought it would be a good idea to push them aside until they eventually went away. _Healthy._

 

“Jackson, you have to behave yourself, I’m serious.” Mark said firmly. Jackson had been really upset to hear Mark was leaving without him, but Jaebum could tell he was used to being left behind—a depressing thought on it’s own. He had come to terms with it pretty quickly, and seemed more concerned about Mark’s well being than his own.

“I promise.” Jackson said. “But you’ll come back right?”

Mark nodded, swallowing, and Jaebum frowned. Mark had asked him something very specific before leaving, and it was to _not let Jackson be taken by anyone but him_ , no matter what. Jaebum wasn’t sure how difficult that would be or what it would entail but it couldn’t be that hard right? It wasn’t like the facility knew his address.

He watched them hug and nuzzle, Jackson holding Mark so tightly it was a wonder he didn’t break. “Mark, be happy ok?” Jackson said firmly, his almond eyes imploring, and Mark smiled, pulling Jackson against him again. Jaebum didn’t have a brother, but he imagined that if he did, his relationship with him wouldn’t have been like this _at all_. Maybe he could develop a relationship with Jackson like a brother? That would be nice.

‘Mh.’ He frowned, watching the expression in Jackson's bright eyes. Scratch that. For some reason, he just didn’t like that idea.  


	9. This guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it is discovered that Jackson has a personality.

From his bedroom desk, Jaebum could see Jackson gazing at the television in the living room. He had been studying for the last few hours and finally was beginning to catch up, thanks to Jinyoung’s incredible notes. Jaebum wasn’t bad at studying, he just preferred not to if it could be avoided. It was unfortunate that something as passionate as film-making still required so much _reading._  

He was flipping through his text now, seeing if there was anything Jinyoung had missed (though he was pretty sure that wasn’t the case). Jackson hadn’t said much since Mark left, watching what appeared to be an undersea documentary for a while now. Jaebum pushed back from his chair and stretched, before exiting his room. “Hey.” He said, and Jackson turned to look at him. “You know if you get bored you can uhm…maybe read a book?” he gestured to the small bookshelf against the wall. “I only have a few books in English—mostly Harry Potter, but you can take your time and find something you like. I don’t know, just—I mean it’s probably not that exciting watching tv all day.”

Jackson looked over to the bookshelf. “I can read one?” he asked, walking towards it and sitting cross-legged. “This one?” he pointed.

“Any one you want.” Jaebum shrugged.

“Any one I want…” Jackson echoed. He sounded a little bewildered, but he was smiling quietly. He touched each book carefully, before picking up the 3rd Harry Potter book. “I’ll read this one.” He declared, looking at it proudly.

“Oh. You should read from the beginning then. There.” Jaebum said, pointing to the first book.

“You said I could read _any_.” Jackson looked so betrayed Jaebum wanted to laugh, but he managed to keep a straight face. Jackson feeling he was being laughed at was the last thing he wanted.

“It’s a series.” He explained. “All the same characters are in the first book too, except you’ll understand the plot more easily if you read it first.”

Jackson blinked, picking up the first book. “It’s smaller.” He frowned.

“It’s really good, I promise.” Jaebum walked towards Jackson, crouching beside him. “Once you start, you’re not going to want to stop. It’s full of magic and fantasy—have you read a lot of fantasy?”

“I read about the egg!” Jackson offered quickly. “I remember, it was fiction.”

“The egg?” Jaebum asked. It was almost annoying how talking to Jackson forced his face into this stupid pleased expression, he never realized he was smiling until they had finished talking.

“Mhm.” Jackson nodded, putting his hands up. “There’s a boy named Jack, and he climbed a plant into the sky, and he met giant people there.”

“Oh, I’ve read that one too.” Jaebum smiled.

“It was a lot smaller than this one.” Jackson said, looking down at the novel. “But,” he added, his eyes flashing. “I can read this one, I promise.”

“Of course you can.” Jaebum shrugged. He didn’t know what Jackson’s reading level was, or his schooling level, but he did know that _no one liked to be patronized_ , whatever their level. He personally hated it, and wasn’t about to do it to Jackson.

“I’m not that fast.” Jackson said, frowning down at the book. “I tried to be faster but I don’t think it was fast enough…”

Jaebum watched him, the way he fingered the pages carefully, his shoulders drooping as he spoke.

“You can take as long as you want.” He said, with an air of finality. “Whatever you do is good enough. It’s just for fun.”

“For fun.” Jackson spoke into the book.

“Oh.” Jaebum said, pausing on his way to the kitchen. “I have class till two pm tomorrow, so I’m going to make you some food for lunch. Don’t eat it before lunch time, ok?” Jackson looked up, smiled, and then flitted his eyes back towards the book, which meant—no promises.

Jaebum smirked, pulling his phone out as it buzzed a notification, glancing at the screen, blinking, then staring. It suddenly dawned on him that Dr. Jinyoung had said he would be sending compensation, but Jaebum had assumed that probably meant compensation for a few meals, if anything, not…not enough to pay for over a _year of his tuition_? He clicked through his paypal, confirming it was from Dr. Jinyoung.

Considering the state of his bank account, and the fact that his parents didn’t approve of him working while in school, Jaebum was glad to have a way of feeding Jackson now. But this didn’t look like ‘compensation’, it looked a lot more like ‘a bribe’, and Jaebum wasn’t exactly sure what that meant.

 

After hours of cooking, feeding Jackson, getting him to take a bath, packing food for the next day, cleaning the kitchen, showering, getting things ready for class, and making sure Jackson was ok on the couch, Jaebum fell asleep effortlessly, the sort of drowsy, dazed sleep where you’re not even sure when it begins and dreams are prevalent and deep. He was in the middle of dreaming he was out in the ocean floating along, rain pattering against his head. It was relaxing, calm, and therefore totally disorienting when, all at once, he felt the sheets fly up all around him, and a body fly into the bed beside him.

Jaebum opened his eyes blearily, to see Jackson scurrying towards him, blankets flying everywhere. “Jackson?” he croaked, his voice drowned out by the overpowering sound of thunder, so loud it was a wonder he had slept through it. Rain was pelting hard against his window; his bedroom was so dark he had to squint hard to see anything at all. There was a flash of lightning against the window, illuminating the room for a second, and Jackson looked absolutely terrified, his eyes wide and panicked. His entire body was trembling, so much the bed vibrated along with him, and he inched close to Jaebum, pressing near him as if he was trying to climb right inside him and hide.

“Are you scared?” Jaebum mumbled, nearly unintelligible in his drowsiness. Jackson grabbed at him and he reached back blindly until he felt the soft cotton of his sweater on Jackson, pulling him towards him. If he wasn’t so tired, he probably would be thinking about how weird it was to be pulling another guy up against him, but he was absolutely exhausted, his mind running at 2% capacity. Besides, Jackson was an exception in a lot of ways. Jackson moved flush against him, and Jaebum felt him bury his face against his neck, vibrating. Another loud bang of thunder and Jackson gasped sharply against Jaebum’s ear, burrowing closer. “Shh…” Jaebum whispered, rubbing small circles against Jackson’s back. He was shaking so hard Jaebum had to work hard to keep his hand moving in a steady motion. He shifted against Jackson, lifting his other hand from his side to wrap it around Jackson.

“It’s just a storm.” Jaebum said intelligently. “It’ll pass in no time…”

Jackson didn’t say anything, grabbing at Jaebum with the same intensity as before. Jaebum felt himself drifting back to sleep—rain always soothed him—but his conscience bugged him to stay up and do what he could to help Jackson.

“Jackson…” he croaked, hoping he was making sense. “Y’don’t…havetuhbescared…” he reached up to brush Jackson’s hair back, which was difficult because of how far Jackson had burrowed against him. After a few seconds, out of sheer exhaustion and having no other ideas of what to do, Jaebum started humming, because…why not? He hummed a tune he couldn’t remember the origin of right then, but it was soothing enough, at least to him. He wished he could remember a proper lullaby but he hadn’t exactly grown up in a lullaby-type family.

He carried on with his tune sleepily, it felt nice buzzing from his vocal chords. Jackson was a soft, warm, little bundle—he was doing nothing to help Jaebum stay awake, but he willed himself, if only to stop Jackson trembling. He wanted to check the time—he had class at 8 am and waking up wouldn’t be easy, but it was ok, he felt Jackson slowly calming down as the minutes passed, and it was a really fantastic feeling to know he had a part in that.

“Jackson?” he said finally, pulling back to try and get a glimpse of Jackson. Sure enough, he had fallen asleep, his dark lashes fanning peacefully across his cheeks. Jaebum briefly considered trying to detangle himself from Jackson, but because he didn’t want to risk waking him up, and because Jackson was _so warm,_ he didn’t. He drifted back to sleep with his cheek against the top of Jackson’s soft hair, the rain a dull patter on the window pane, his arm still securely holding Jackson close.

 

\--

 

“Ok, I’ll be back at around two pm. Remember,” Jaebum gestured to the two containers in the fridge. “Don’t eat those until lunch time, ok?”

“Okayy.” Jackson said, with a quick quirk of his brows.

“Put it in the microwave for 45 seconds, that’s it. Just take the cover off the container, put it on a plate, Jackson, **look at me** _,_ put it on a _plate_ , put it in the microwave, put the microwave cover _on,_ 45 seconds, take it out, then you can eat it, with a fork, ok?”

“Yes.” Jackson nodded. “Will you cook me egg?” he looked antsily to the carton on the top shelf.

“I’ll do you one better.” Jaebum said. “I’ll show you how to make it yourself.”

Jackson’s mouth fell open. “Really???” he asked excitedly, before assuming a relaxed, casual expression. “Ok, cool.”

Jaebum laughed. “Don’t try to act like you’re not crazy excited.”

“You’re coming back at two pm, right?” Jackson stressed, frowning slightly.

“Well, class finishes then. I’ll be home right after.” Jaebum said, meeting Jackson’s eyes. “Ok?”

“Ok.” Jackson said slowly, his eyes unfocused. “Right after…”

“I promise.” Jaebum said firmly. “Ok, let’s do this quickly, I’m already running late.” He was really excited about how much Jackson was speaking to him now. He liked the sound of his voice, sort of low and boyish at the same time, with a pleasant lilt at the end of his sentences. His Korean accent was quite good, with some slightly odd phrasing and words here and there, but overall good.

“Well, stop talking and show me then.” Jackson said blankly and Jaebum stared at him.

“Are you sassing me??” he asked in bemusement, cocking his head.

“No.” Jackson said plainly, before breaking into a little grin.

“Maybe I won’t show you how to make an egg.” Jaebum warned playfully.

“Maybe I won’t put the microwave cover on.” Jackson said, straight-faced, without skipping even a single beat, and Jaebum was so surprised he couldn’t help laugh. Jackson was looking to be full of surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite fluffy! I think it's a nice break from the more intense, previous chapters. Also, get excited, next chapter is Jackson's POV!


	10. Truman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson's first day alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jackson's POV. Very light chapter--a little longer than usual. Hope you like Jackson's mind!

For 10 minutes after Jaebum left, Jackson stood at the little window in the living room and looked through it. He watched Jaebum disappear into the little clearing of trees leading to the shortcut to school, and then watched people walking by, wishing and waiting for Jaebum to maybe come back? When he was absolutely sure Jaebum wouldn’t be returning, he turned away from the window, remembering he still hadn’t brushed his teeth yet! Whipping out his toothbrush from his back pocket, he ran to the bathroom to do the task. You were supposed to brush your teeth for 2 minutes, which to Jackson, felt like a very long time, but he did it anyways because you were supposed to. It was nice to watch himself in the mirror as he brushed—he scrunched up his nose and made faces at himself, smiling.

When he was finished, he headed back into the spotless living room. Jaebum liked everything clean, everything, which didn’t really make sense because things just got messy when they were clean.

“Traffic on the 407.” He echoed to the television news broadcaster. He really liked the tv because there was always something on it. In the morning time there were lots of little cars, and weather, and sometimes parrots that talked. He picked up Jaebum’s sweater off the couch and pressed it against his cheek as he watched. Jaebum smelled like the most amazing combination of smells Jackson had ever experienced. He smelled like Mark, but different. He had the same smell of comfort and happiness, but there was something else there. Jackson couldn’t get enough of it.

He liked the house because it all smelt like Jaebum. He watched the tv attentively, occasionally repeating strange words or phrasing he didn’t understand. Then suddenly, there was a rustling by the door and Jackson turned his head sharply. Poking through the little slot in the door, were some papers. Jackson stood up and ran to the door. What was this???

He threw the door open to see what was coming from the other side, to see a man wearing all brown there.

“Oh, hello.” The man blinked. “Just dropping off your mail.”

“Why are you throwing your papers in here!” Jackson scowled. He couldn’t imagine something ruder.

“Wha—”

Jackson picked the letters up off the floor and handed them to the offensive man. “Jaebum would be mad if you messed up his house.” He scolded. “You wouldn’t like it.” He shook his head, shutting the door, leaving the man confused and befuddled, and picked up the little dustpan by the door that Jaebum was so fond of, sweeping at the floor. Jaebum always was sweeping at some invisible dirt he couldn’t see, so he thought he might try it again. When he was satisfied with his crouching and sweeping, he stood and looked around.

At home he spent a lot of time by himself. When Bambam was in session, and when his dad was sleeping (his dad liked to sleep a lot) Jackson was alone. He had a little room indoors, but he didn’t like it very much. There was only a little bed, and four walls, and one picture on the wall. It was a picture of a place he had never seen before, a river and a mountain. No matter how much he looked at it, it didn’t really get very interesting. While he was alone he liked to make up stories in his head, stories about adventures he could go on with Bambam, or sometimes mysteries. Bambam loved his stories, even the bad ones. He always listened and offered suggestions as to how to make them better. Jackson was sure Bambam would be a fantastic writer if he could write.

Remembering his book, Jackson bounded back to the living room and picked it up off the table. Harry Potter was 11 years old and he lived in a broom closet. Jackson imagined that must be the smallest place to live in, even smaller than his room. He felt bad for Harry Potter, with his mean grumpy uncle (but not grumpy like Jaebum, different) and his mean aunt that didn’t love him. Jackson wanted to reach into the book and pull Harry Potter out and save him from his mean family.

But then suddenly things turned around.

‘You’re a wizard, Harry.’

Jackson knew about wizards. His favorite teacher, who was called Anna, she came from America—but a different part of America than Mark—and she told him about stories that weren’t only about school, fiction stories. He read the _Sword in the Stone_ and it had a wizard in it like Harry Potter.

“If I were a wizard, I would make magic and save the world.” Jackson spoke to no one, looking up from the book. “Oh!” The beetle was back! He put the book down carefully and crouched to the floor, looking at the beetle carefully. It was a _Harmonia Axyridis—or_ Harlequin ladybird, and judging by it’s marking’s, it was the same one Jackson had seen before.

Jackson liked to think about animals by their Scientific Classification, that’s how he had learned them.

_Animalia, Arthropoda, Insecta, Coleoptera, Coccinellidae, Harmonia, **H. axyridis**. _

And Jaebum was _Animalia, Chordata, Synapsida, Mammalia, Primates, Haplorhini, Hominidae, Homo, **H. sapiens.**_

But he, Jackson was, _Animalia, Chordata, Synapsida, Mammalia,_ and then the rest was a big question sign.

_Was he Carnivora, or was he Primates?_

He remembered the study on his skull shape, which had been boring to do, but telling. It had been revealed he had a very thick skull encasing, and a canine sagittal crest, jaws and teeth, which meant that like a Canine, he could easily chew through bone and muscle. He had been really happy to find that out, because it meant that he was closer to Bambam. But there were so many things he didn’t have. He liked to learn about classifications, because maybe he would find the one he fit into.

He mulled over this for a while as he watched the beetle. Human beings evolved from primates, which was really cool. Jackson knew he had a tailbone, and bones in his ears that could move his ears, but that was useless because human ears didn’t move very much. Still, he had really good hearing, so he was happy for that. The beetle decided it was time to go and Jackson sat for a while, thinking. He wondered what it felt like to belong to a species?

His thoughts were interrupted by his stomach growling. Jaebum had said NOT to eat till lunch time, but if he was hungry, didn’t that make it lunch time? Grinning to himself, he went to the kitchen, before stopping at the door. No. He knew what lunch time meant, and he didn’t want to eat before Jaebum had said to eat. Besides, he was sure he would make a mess in the kitchen somehow because Jaebum thought _everything_ was a mess. Some ketchup on the table was a mess, some food on the floor was a mess, he was very particular like that. So Jackson sighed and slunk back to the living room to continue reading, but not before peeking out the window once more to see if Jaebum was there. It was really quiet when he was gone.

 

**10:40 am**

 

Jackson was halfway with the first Harry Potter book, and it was the most amazing thing he had read. He would have gone lots faster if he hadn’t stopped every few minutes to whisper a spell to himself or wonder about the world. So wizards were out there, for sure. That was the coolest thing in the world. And Harry Potter had found friends’ now and it made Jackson so happy. Deciding to take a break, he switched the tv channels, till he found one with a movie that was just starting. It was called the _Truman Show,_ and Jackson was interested because it was in English, which he understood a lot more quickly than Korean. So he set the book down and decided to watch it.

 

**12:43 pm**

 

Jackson followed the instructions Jaebum had told him about reheating food very carefully, all the while thinking about the movie he had just seen. Truman was a guy that was raised in a city that was completely fake, he was owned by a company and he didn’t even know it, and they kept him in the city without him being able to leave—except he didn’t know that almost the entire time. Jackson had been really scared by that idea, especially when Truman found out that he had been trapped the whole time and he tried to escape. It was scary thinking about it, yet he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He successfully heated his food up, microwave cover and all and picked up a fork—although he had perfectly good hands, and ate it. Mmm, it was so good, but he was still hungry…

He opened the fridge again, and looked inside. The top shelf had a lot of brown juices he didn’t like the look of—who would want to drink brown juice? The middle shelf had lots of fruits—yuck, and more eggs. Jackson remembered he had learned to make eggs that morning, yes!!! He picked up the carton, excited. Oh man oh man, this would be great.

He filled the little pot with water and set it on the top of the stove, turning on the fire. He had to wait for it to boil, and then put the egg in for 7 minutes and that was it. He could totally do that. He looked at the time, wishing it to move faster.

2 pm, 2pm. He missed Jaebum a lot. So far, his favorite thing about Jaebum was how he asked questions like he really wanted to know the answer. He didn’t just ask and ignore Jackson or move on, he asked and then he listened and then he talked some more. It was really nice. Jackson also liked how his were shaped like a cats, how they disappeared when he smiled and showed all his teeth. He looked like he was always about to pull a trick, but he never did. Jackson smiled thinking about it.

Jaebum was really nice. He was nice to Jackson the way Mark was nice, but it felt different. He smelled different and he felt different. Jackson reminded himself to tell Jaebum that he sounded amazing when he sang—he had wanted to say it the night before but he had fallen asleep before he got the chance. The water was boiling now, and Jackson dropped 2 eggs into it. He hadn’t even known eggs needed to be cooked, they always came to him in an eatable form. And now he knew how to make them for himself, this was such a great day. He wanted to learn how to make other food too. Maybe Jaebum would show him.

**2 pm**

“It’s 2pm.” Jackson announced to the empty apartment. He had taken a bath and tried his best to clean the kitchen, and now it was 2 pm. He looked through the living room window and waited for Jaebum, frowning.

What if he didn’t come back?

“I’ll rip up his clothes.” Jackson declared vindictively. “And I’ll sleep in them.”

And he wouldn’t put the microwave cover on.

Jaebum was definitely coming back, because he had left his computer behind and he liked it too much to leave it forever. He was always looking at the little screen and tick tick ticking on it. It was all very silly, but Jackson wasn’t one to judge.

It was 2:02 now. Jaebum had said a little past two, but how long did it take to come home. It was a little past two now. Jackson made a whining sound in his throat, furrowing his brow, his chest clenching in nerves. What if Jaebum really never came back?? He couldn’t stand the idea. He didn’t even know how to get to Mark if he needed to, and he especially didn’t know how to get home. He screwed his eyes shut and hoped.

He had been standing at the window for what felt like years at this point, but probably had been a few minutes, when he heard the door unlocking. He turned swiftly and rushed towards it, bouncing into Jaebum as he opened the door. “You’re here!” he yelled, hugging at Jaebum, dragging him into the apartment. “I’m so happy, I’m so happy!”

Jaebum looked at him, shaking his head. “I just went to class, what you think I wasn’t coming back? I live here!”

Jackson ignored him, hugging at Jaebum so hard, he wanted to climb him if he could. “Let me take off my shoes.” Jaebum grumbled. “My girlfriend bombarded me on the way here—she says we’re not talking but she keeps talking to me. She’s funny that way.”

Jackson wasn’t sure why Jaebum had chosen that girl as his mate. She smelled bad—not smelly, but sour. He didn’t like it. But Jaebum had kissed her, right after she had been yelling at him. It was very confusing. Maybe Jaebum had learned all about relationships from the movie they had watched the other day, where all the couple did was fight and kiss and fight again. Jackson wondered if he was missing something.

“Did you eat?” Jaebum asked, looking around the apartment. “Nothing looks too…out of place.”

“I used the cover.” Jackson offered. “And I made eggs!”

“You really needed to eat again after all that I made for you?? That was 3 servings of food!” Jaebum sounded mad, but his eyes were smiling, so Jackson knew he wasn’t.  

“Ok make 4 next time.” Jackson offered wisely, his eyes flitting across the room. The beetle was back!

“Do you know why my mail was on the floor outside?” Jaebum asked, wandering into the kitchen, but Jackson had gone towards the _Harmonia Axyridis_ with interest, wondering if it was the same one as before. Jaebum rolled his eyes. “You’re so odd.” He laughed, before yelling “Jackson you left the stove on! And the kitchen is such a mess!”

Jackson thought maybe Jaebum couldn’t live without being grumpy, he always liked to have something to yell about. And _he_ was the weird one? Yes, he left the stove on for the next time they used it. That was things would cook faster.

Obviously.

“What am I going to do with you?” Jaebum frowned, and Jackson looked at him quickly. Yup, his eyes were still happy. He flashed Jaebum a smile and him watched Jaebum try not to smile back, but he did—he always did. Jaebum came over to him and rested a hand on his head and he loved how it felt. “Do you have to go again tomorrow?” he asked. This had felt like the longest day of his life.

“Unfortunately.” Jaebum said. “I’ll always come back though. You don’t have to worry about that.” Jackson looked thoughtful, before tackling Jaebum to the ground. “You promise?”

“I promise.” Jaebum laughed, and Jackson nuzzled him.

“You know you could have burnt the house down. I’ll teach you how to call 119.”

“I know how.” Jackson scoffed.

“How?” Jaebum asked.

“119. Duh!” Jackson rolled his eyes. “You just said it.”

He felt Jaebum’s arms wrap around him—he was laughing, but Jackson loved the feeling. Safe. 

 Jaebum was kind of weird, but Jackson decided he liked him anyways.


	11. Stepping Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson meets someone new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I rewrote this a million times and wasn't fully satisfied. I might edit later. I dunno, it's just one of those transition-y chapters. Maybe I'm just very sleepy. I'll see in the morning how I feel. Anyways, enjoy!!

      Jaebum would never say it out loud, but talking to Jackson about Harry Potter was one of the most fulfilling conversations he’d had in a long time. Jackson spoke with an unabashed, open level of passion and excitement, and his ideas were bold and fascinating. They had gotten into a really heated discussion about it, and when Jaebum had mentioned that there were movies made after the film, Jackson had totally flipped. He was _supposed_ to be thinking about his thesis, but instead they were watching the first movie on the couch, Jackson huddled against him.

Jinyoung had urged him to get started with his work, especially because their courses were looking to be very heavy but he hadn’t really listened because listening wasn’t a strong suit of his. Besides, it wasn’t like Jinyoung could just barge in on his life and—

“I’ve got all the notes from today and you better be ready to study.” Jinyoung said briskly, and Jaebum turned in time to see Jinyoung walking towards him, piles of books in hand. Shit. He hadn’t bolted the door. “Who’s this? Hello.” Jinyoung bowed shortly to Jackson, looking at him quizzically. Jackson sat up on the couch and turned to Jinyoung, sizing him up. “Hullo.” He responded, with a little bob of his head.

Jaebum blinked. “He’s…” he started, blanking. “Why don’t you ever knock??”

“Because we’re best friends.” Jinyoung sad dryly. “It’s my right. Who is this?”

“I’m his cousin. Jackson.” Jackson said, scrunching his nose, and Jaebum blinked himself back into focus, gathering his bearings. “Yeah.” He said faintly. “He’s visiting.”

“Is that why you’ve been so AWOL? Nice to meet you Jackson.” Jinyoung said, putting his books on the table. “Your cousin needs to study right now. Are you in high school?”

“He’s not Korean.” Jaebum interrupted. “He’s from…he’s visiting from California.”

“Oh, you’re American?” Jinyoung nodded to Jackson. “Nice to meet you.” He said in English.

Jackson’s eyes flitted from Jinyoung to Jaebum quickly, before he nodded slowly. “Nice to meet you too.”

 “How long are you here for?” Jinyoung asked, sitting down.

“2 weeks.” Jaebum responded, at the same time that Jackson said “I dunno…”.

“Okay.” Jinyoung looked between the two of them carefully, opening his book slowly. “Jaebum you remember it’s club day tomorrow right? Youngjae needs help with the music club booth, you’re still coming right?”

“Oh, I forgot.” Jaebum said unapologetically.

“Youngjae’s counting on you.” Jinyoung accused and Jaebum made a frustrated sound in his throat, knowing he was right. Youngjae was a 3rd year Sound Engineer who was equally kind and exuberant. Jaebum had met while looking for someone to help mix the sound of one of his short films and he’d offered to do it just for the experience of it, and had proven to be more talented than Jaebum had expected.

“You should come.” Jinyoung smiled at Jackson. “It’s basically all the clubs on campus showcasing their cool features to try and get people to join.”

Jackson’s eyes flashed excitedly. “Ooh! Like the Astronomy club?”

“Of course.” Jinyoung nodded, adjusting his glasses. “Are you interested in Astronomy?”

“Jackson needs to stay here.” Jaebum said quickly. “He’s…sick.”

Jackson made a face, his eye’s dimming. Jaebum could tell he was trying hard not to scowl, which meant he understood why he wasn’t supposed to go out, but he badly wanted to. He tried not to look at Jackson, at his furrowed brow and scrunched up nose, but he couldn’t help it. He felt his resolve slipping. “Well, maybe for like half hour.” He said finally, busying himself with opening up his books. He saw Jackson light up out of the corner of his eye and he sniffed appreciatively, ignoring the way his stomach back flipped. Since when had Jackson been able to convince him to do things with just an expression? Since when had he even cared about Jackson’s expressions? Since when had he even been able to _read_ expressions?

Okay. He wasn’t going to overthink things, but he promised himself the next time Jackson made that face, he _would. Not. Cave._

 

Jackson stood at Jaebum’s side, biting the inside of his mouth anxiously. He had never seen so many people in his life, they were everywhere, and so, so loud. Jaebum had come and gotten him after he had finished his classes and they had walked to back to his school together. Jackson had seen school on television before, schools had lots of little lockers and people walking around _fast, fast, fast_ (they had to go fast or else they would get detention). But Jaebum’s school was much bigger than he could have imagined, and all the buildings were spread out, and everyone dressed differently.

“Are you ok Jackson?” Jaebum asked quietly, looking at him. He was talking to his friend Youngjae, who had a very loud and happy voice and laughed a lot. Jackson decided he liked him right away, because Youngjae had given him a little piece of a paper he called his ‘card’ and he had asked him lots of questions (but Jaebum had answered most of them).

“I’m ok.” He responded. There were lots of tables all in rows with people sitting at them, and other people were lined up or standing around those tables to see what was at them. Youngjae’s table was about the music club and Jackson wondered if they sat in a circle and listened to music? He thought that might get boring, but he wasn’t going to say so.

“I’m going to be at this table for a little bit, so if you want, you can look around for a while.” Jaebum said. “Just stay close, ok?”

“Ok.” Jackson said, gazing around the room. There was a table with lots of mini food that he had seen earlier and wanted to go back to. He walked away from the music table in search for it, wandering towards the smell. “Ooh.” He said when he found it. “Hullo.” He greeted the girl at the table, picking up little bits of cheese and eating them.

“Are you interested in joining the cheese club?” She asked.

“No.” Jackson said blankly, eating a few more cheese squares. "Mmm..." 

“Oh…okay.”

Jackson chewed happily, glancing around, and them something caught his eye. “What’s that?” he asked, pointing. There was a table close by with a guy standing by it wearing what looked like an all-white space suit. He had a pointy sword in his hand and his head was in a scary looking black cover.

“That’s the fencing club.” The girl offered. “You should go check it out before you eat all my samples…” she mumbled the last part warily but Jackson didn’t pay attention, moving towards the table. _Fencing club._

“I like your outfit.” He said to the person standing by the booth. “You look like you’re from the future.”

A muffled laugh came from the suit and a hand lifted to remove the helmet, revealing a guy that smelled about Jackson’s age. “Thanks.” He said, giving a big smile. “It gets kind of hot in here though.” He brushed back light brown hair from his forehead.

“Your sword is very skinny.” Jackson added, looking at it.

“It’s called a sabre.” The guy offered. “You can hold it if you want.” He handed Jackson the sword, and it felt very light, but it was shiny and interesting to look at.

“I’ve never seen you on campus before. My name’s Yugyeom by the way, what’s yours?” the boy, who’s name was Yugyeom, said.

“Jackson.” Jackson said, handing back the sword. “I don’t go here. I’m Jaebum’s cousin.” He added the last part automatically.

“Oh!” Yugyeom asked, looking over towards Jaebum’s booth. “I’ve seen him before. Is he as scary as he looks?”

“Not really.” Jackson shrugged, reaching out to touch Yugyeom’s helmet. “He’s really nice.”

“Wow.” Yugyeom smiled, and Jackson met his eyes. He liked this tall boy’s smile, it was very different from Jaebum’s, goofy and self-conscious. “I know he makes really good films, but every time I’ve seen him he has a terrifying expression on his face.” Yugyeom imitated Jaebum’s expression and Jackson laughed. “That’s pretty good.” He said. “But it’s a little more like this…” he did his own version of Jaebum’s face and Yugyeom’s eyes widened. “That’s really good!” he said.

“Yeah, he always looks simultaneously sleepy and mad.” Jackson laughed.

“You want to try it on?” Yugyeom offered his helmet, noticing Jackson staring at it. “It’s called a mask.”

“Sure!” Jackson said excitedly. “What’s it for?”

“Protection.” Yugyeom said, moving towards Jackson and carefully helping him get the mask on. “When you’re competing, you don’t want your opponent poking you in the face with their sabre. I’ve been fencing since Junior high and trust me—not wearing your protective gear is a bad idea.”

“Ok.” Jackson said, hearing his voice muffled. He was fascinated by this space activity with a sword and a mask. Was fencing like jousting? He wanted to learn more.

“Uhm, hey, if you’re interested in learning more about fencing you should sign up for the club! It’s open to non-students and the first session is free, they just show you a lot of basics. It’s on Thursday at 6 in the PAC.” Yugyeom gestured to the table, where another guy sat with a sheet of paper.  

“Ok.” Jackson said ruefully, removing the helmet. “I don’t think Jaebum’ll let me outside again though.” He frowned, writing his name down. Yugyeom laughed again, throwing his head back, and Jackson scrunched his nose at him. He wasn’t joking, but he did like the sound of Yugyeom’s laugh.

“U-uh…” Yugyeom said, clearing his throat, and Jackson noticed his cheeks were tinted red all of a sudden. “If you give me your number I can tell you like…I can…call you and maybe show you more about fencing…if you can’t make that session that is.” He spoke very quickly and Jackson found it hard to keep up. Translating everything in his head was already hard without it being all fast and mumbled!

“I don’t have a number.” He blinked. “But I’ll try hard to come. I think I like fencing.”

“Okay!” Yugyeom said quickly, brushing his hair back. “I hope…Jaebum lets you, I wouldn’t uhm…mind seeing you again.”

“Seeing me again?” Jackson blinked. What did that mean? He supposed seeing this boy again would be nice, but he thought his phrasing was weird.

“Yeah.” Yugyeom said, shaking his head. “I mean like.” His voice cracked and he swiped a hand across his face as if he was trying to reset it.

“I mean. Just because uh...Ithinkyouwouldreallylikefencingmaybe.” he breathed, looking down at his sword. 

“Okay.” Jackson blinked. He wasn’t sure why, but Yugyeom smelled so nervous he wanted to help calming down. He put his hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “I’ll try REALLY hard to come.” He wasn’t sure what else to say, especially because touching Yugyeom’s shoulder only seemed to make him more nervous. “Don’t worry.” He added helpfully, offering a smile. Man, Yugyeom was really, _really_ passionate about fencing! He liked that.

“Ok.” Yugyeom’s whole face was red now, and he was smiling, but he still looked and smelled so nervous. Jackson smiled back brightly, before waving. ‘ _People are weird in the real world.’_ He thought.

But he still liked it a lot more than his broom closet world. 


	12. Stepping Up

 

“Yes. No. No—I …yes… _mom_.” Jaebum raked anxious fingers through his onyx hair for the millionth time in the span of this 30-minute phone call, shifting his phone from one ear to the other. The call had started as they always did, ‘ _just checking in’_ and had drifted quite quickly into the realm of _‘utter shit’_.

_“Your father and I are **very** concerned for you. When will you ever find any amount of success?”_

“I’ll work harder.” Jaebum automated, tugging mindlessly at his earring. It didn’t matter that he was the top student in his class, being the best at something his parents considered absolutely worthless was almost more offensive to them than if he failed at it. It was an act of rebellion every time he excelled in film school, a big, ‘ _fuck you, I’m doing the thing you hate--AND I’m great at it’_.

That wasn’t his intention, but it was the result.

 _“You’ve never worked hard enough.”_ She said briskly. Jaebum knew his mom was most likely standing in her spotless kitchen, preparing a meal his dad would wordlessly consume, before retreating to his office—but it felt like she was standing on his head, her foot pressed against his throat, suffocating him. Jaebum squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to breathe.

“I’m sorry.” He finally gasped out. It was like knives, the lies. He wasn’t _fucking sorry_. “I will.”

She made a dissatisfied sound after a moment of silence, unable to think of something else to chastise him for in the moment. _“Ok. I’m going now.”_

“Ok…by--” Dead air. Jaebum lowered his phone, his eyes unfocused. He loathed conversations with his mother, yet it never failed to sting when she abruptly disappeared.

‘I should be used to it by now.’ He had always been a slow learner.

After a few minutes of standing and simmering in his thoughts, trying desperately to compose himself, Jaebum turned to see Jackson standing quietly at the door, looking at him, a small frown on his face.

Jaebum blinked, maintaining a neutral expression, and walked towards the door, avoiding Jackson’s eyes. Jackson stepped to the side, blocking his exit and he sighed. “What?” he snapped, and his voice gave everything away. Even he was surprised by the raw emotion there, the quiver. “Can you move??” he was embarrassed now, staring past Jackson into the living room. No one liked being seen like this, but Jaebum was particularly sensitive to it.

Jackson flinched for a millisecond at the sharp sound, but he didn’t move. They were standing so close Jaebum could smell Jackson’s shampoo wafting off the top of his head. He bathed without being asked to now, and his natural scent was fresh and earthy, like a wide mountain space. Jaebum liked it even better than the artificial scent of cologne. He finally lowered his eyes to meet Jackson’s, because he wasn’t going to push him aside, and he wasn’t going to yell again because something about Jackson flinching made his stomach drop. Usually, he had no qualms with yelling at people.

Jackson didn’t say anything, he just stared with those interesting eyes. They always looked inquisitive, coupled with his dark puppy dog brows and thick sideburns, making his entire face annoyingly, permanently endearing. Jaebum sighed and stepped closer to Jackson, moving to rap his knuckles gently against his forehead but Jackson surprised him with a hug, a real hug, wrapping his arms firmly around Jaebum’s back and pressing his face up against his shoulder. He was warm and comforting, and Jaebum could feel his heart thumping lightly in his chest, he could feel the definition of his stomach through his thin t-shirt.

Jaebum wasn’t sure what to do, and he felt his own heart chugging along faster and faster the longer they stood there like that. Jackson didn’t seem at all concerned, nuzzling against Jaebum with unabashed affection, and Jaebum suddenly felt light-headed. He lifted his arms quickly, realizing he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to hug Jackson. It felt so good, he wondered why people didn’t do this all the time. Slowly, his heartbeat slowed back to normal, as anxiety drained from his body, and Jackson must have known, because only then did he pull back. Jaebum wouldn’t have minded carrying on like that for a while.

“Thanks.” He said softly, and Jackson smiled.

“Don’t be sad.” He ordered. “Okay?”

“Kay.” Jaebum smirked. “ _Bossy._ ”

“It’s because I know everything.” Jackson offered seriously.

“OH, is that why?”

“Yes.”

“I think you’re getting cocky now that I’ve taught you how to cook chicken.” Jaebum laughed, and Jackson’s eyes lit up. “I’m gunna cook some right now!”

“You ate an hour ago Jackson.”

“AN HOUR?” Jackson groaned anxiously. “Ok, better hurry.” He bustled into the kitchen and Jaebum shook his head, ignoring the fact that his heart had started up pounding again, and his body was tingling everywhere Jackson had touched.  

\--

“What’s my address?”

“41 Daehak-ro, 401-dong 1301-ho, Seoul.” Jackson rattled off quickly, glancing to the entrance of the training room.

“Good. So I’ll be in class, and I’m going to come get you right after okay? Don’t leave without me.” Jaebum handed Jackson the cellphone he’d bought him. Teaching him to use it had been surprisingly easy. Jackson had spoken on phone’s before, but he had never been allowed to dial numbers on his own. Asking for a non-smart cellphone had been an interesting experience, the vendor had had to go into the backroom to fish one out, but Jaebum assumed a phone that actually was only a phone might be easier for Jackson to use than one with a ton of hifalutin features.  

“I won’t.” Jackson was practically vibrating with excitement. He hadn’t stopped talking about fencing and how badly he wanted to go, but Jaebum had class during the fencing session so chaperoning wasn’t an option. Jaebum wasn’t sure if letting Jackson out by himself was the best idea, but keeping him indoors all day didn’t sit well with him either. Besides, Jackson seemed so genuinely excited for this and he probably hadn’t had much opportunity to do things he genuinely wanted to do.

“Okay.” Jaebum said warily. “My number is in your phone, don’t forget, okay?” Jackson had grown and developed rapidly since their meeting, but this was still the first time he was leaving him alone in public, and he felt jittery thinking about it. “I’ll be late.” He said reluctantly, glancing at his watch.

“Ok, go!” Jackson bounced, pushing Jaebum lightly. “I remember everything, I promise!”

“Be safe and listen to your instructor!” Jaebum chided, giving Jackson a firm look before breaking into a jog towards his class. He was worried about Jackson but he knew he was strong and intelligent. Still, an unfamiliar sense of protectiveness filled him and he reasoned it was because Jackson was like a little brother to him.

_‘Liar.’_

\--

“Jackson! You’re here!” Jackson stepped into the training room, glancing around curiously. It was a very big room with a high ceiling. There were a bunch of people dressed in suits like Yugyeom, and maybe 12 or so people in regular clothes. There was a guy in lace-up boots that Jackson really liked. Jaebum had told him they would go shopping for clothes over the weekend and he thought it was a waste of time because he could just keep wearing the same few things over and over, but seeing those cool shoes he thought maybe he might like to get some for himself. Yugyeom was bounding towards him, grinning and he smiled back. “I said I would try hard, didn’t I?” he admonished, and Yugyeom laughed really hard.

“Am I that funny?” He asked curiously, staring at Yugyeom, and he laughed even harder this time. Jackson squinted at Yugyeom, before deciding he wasn’t being made fun of and returning to a neutral expression. “I think you’re hilarious.” Yugyeom smiled. “I just…I guess I’m excited you came.”

“Yeah! I want to learn fencing!” Jackson said. “I think I could be the best at it.”

“I bet.” Yugyeom said quickly. “We’re starting in a couple minutes. But uh…I was thinking…” he was red in the face again like last time, and his eyes flitted from Jackson’s eyes to his lips to the floor and then back again. “Do you want to maybe hang out after? With me?” his voice cracked and it made Jackson smile.

“Hang out?” he asked. “What’s that?”

“Like…anything. Watch a movie or go out for food or something.” Yugyeom cleared his throat, shifting his weight from side to side. “Anything you want.”

“Anything I want?” That sounded pretty great to Jackson. “Jaebum probably wouldn’t want me to go out by myself though…”

“We can go to your house.” Yugyeom said so quickly Jackson hardly had time to finish his sentence. “I don’t care; it doesn’t matter to me.”

Jackson had liked the sound of going out for food better, but Jaebum probably would be more ok with this one. Convincing him he could handle himself for an hour alone had taken a while—he may have lived his life in an enclosure, but he knew how to interact with people! Tv was teaching him a lot anyways. Maybe ‘hanging out’ would show Jaebum that he was capable of doing lots of normal things.

“So you come to my house and we just watch tv and stuff?” Jackson mused. He guessed having someone to watch tv with would be kind of nice.

“Anything, yeah.” Yugyeom looked hopeful, like he really, really wanted to come over and watch tv. It dawned on Jackson that he might not have a tv at his house.

“Okay.” He smiled graciously. Why would he deny someone the chance to watch tv?

“Ok. Oh man…great!” Yugyeom didn’t look like he had been expecting that answer. He bit his lip, grinning and Jackson thought he had a really nice smile.

“You have a really nice smile.” He offered, searching for the word in Korean. “Cute.”

Yugyeom’s face dropped suddenly and he stared at Jackson, unblinking. “W-h…thank you.” He faltered faintly, and Jackson hadn’t thought he could be redder in the face but he was. ‘What a nervous guy.’

“You have…you look…” Yugyeom seemed to be struggling to find words too. “You’re--ok guys we’re starting!” He turned sharply to the group, striding away from Jackson and Jackson frowned, because he really wanted to know what Yugyeom had been about to say.

 

What if he had something on his face, or worse. What if Yugyeom thought he was ugly??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delayed upload, I thought I could have better executed the last chapter if I pushed through exhaustion to get it up ‘in time’. So today I thought better to take my time and put out something I was happy with!  
>  


	13. Ice Cream

Jaebum didn’t usually get flustered when presented with new prospects, but Jackson hadn’t stopped setting him on his head from the day they had met. Somehow, he had allowed this freshman kid, Yugyeom, into his apartment, to _hang out_ , with Jackson. Jackson had bounded up to him with the question fresh on his lips, excitement brimming in his eyes.

_“Can Yugyeom come watch tv with me at our house?”_

_“Who…what?”_

Jaebum had recognized Yugyeom after looking at him for a while, he was a liberal arts student who had gotten unto the varsity basketball team shortly after entering University, probably because of his height, and apparently, also, was a fencer.

Jackson was absolutely _gone_ over fencing. He talked about it the entire way home, and was talking about it even now. He wanted to join the team badly--Jaebum could tell--but he hadn’t made mention of it, most likely because he knew it wasn’t a possibility. Watching the light in his eyes flicker and dim as Jackson dreamed aloud made Jaebum long to give him what he wanted. Jackson was probably very used to being denied what he wanted.

“Honestly, Jackson you have the sharpest reflexes I’ve _ever_ seen.”  As much as Jackson was in awe of fencing, Yugyeom was in awe of Jackson. Jaebum busied himself in the kitchen for a while, cleaning the spotless counter, all the while keeping an eye on the living room. Yugyeom was tall and broad-shouldered, with a pleasant, good-natured face and dyed dusty brown hair. He seemed harmless enough, young and excited, Jaebum supposed begrudgingly. He still didn’t like having him in his apartment.

And he really didn’t like how much he was looking at Jackson.

He stilled in his mindless swiping, peeking out the corner of his eye to the two of them. Yugyeom hadn’t taken his eyes off Jackson since he had begun talking about his favourite things about fencing, occasionally prompting him to “Omg, yo, yo, you should totally join the team, you’re so good, yo.”

He talked like a b-boy very into hip-hop and Chris Brown, blinking his bangs out of his eyes every few minutes.

“I want to…” Jackson frowned, before quickly adding. “I’m not here for much longer though.”

Jackson’s voice and presence was equally soothing as Yugyeom’s was grating. Every second they spent there together grinded on Jaebum’s nerves, and time moved like treacle.

“That’s ok! I can still teach you a lot of you come to next week’s session. Honestly, you’re so good. You’re really amazing.” Yugyeom chimed and Jaebum mimicked the sound of his voice to himself. ‘ _Honestly, honestly, honestly.’_ There was nothing wrong with Yugyeom, he had seemed courteous, even timid when introducing himself to Jaebum, he had taken his shoes off at the door—he was fine.

‘I hate him.’

Jaebum didn’t hate him. ‘I don’t hate him’ he corrected his frantic mind. He hated the way he looked at Jackson.

He hated the way Jackson look back at him. Jackson looked at Yugyeom the way someone looked at a food they had never thought to try before, a wary sort of excited curiosity. Jaebum watched the way his eyes took in Yugyeom’s movements with interest, a small smile on his face. He watched the way Yugyeom moved closer and Jackson made no move to back away. He cleaned the microwave at a glacier pace, his heart throttling in his chest.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Jaebum was pretty fantastic at denying things. He enjoyed not thinking about things until they burrowed their way to the forefront of his mind, so desperate to be heard he had to listen. He was struggling to keep denying that he was attracted to Jackson, but it had burrowed the whole way through, inching through his mind and dripping out of his ears.

He had denied it when he had told Jackson they could keep sleeping together because sleeping on the couch was uncomfortable. It was the same couch he had made Jinyoung sleep on even while he was sick and throwing up for the entire night because _suck it up, he could handle it._ And Jackson had never once complained about the couch. He denied it with increasing frequency when Jackson smiled, especially when he brushed his hair out of his face with unabashed care as to how he looked. Jackson never cared, it wasn’t something he thought about and it was clear in how he carried himself. He held neither the concept of self-consciousness nor self-perception.

Logically—and Jaebum liked to think he was logical _enough,_ it shouldn’t bother him that he was attracted to Jackson. Jackson was _attractive_ , and he had become increasingly attractive in ways Jaebum hadn’t first noticed as time went on, but now he couldn’t stop noticing. He liked that Jackson was rapidly developing into his own person, the way he took to cooking and even beginning to clean up after himself, his hobbies and interests that he threw himself into, and his _fucking **eyes**_ **.**

Eyes that were staring into Yugyeom’s with unmasked interest, which was Jackson’s charm, everything, his whole heart, was right there on his face, and that was the problem, Jaebum realized. He didn’t like that Jackson was looking at Yugyeom like that and that had to mean something awful. He slammed the microwave door shut, finally, storming towards his bedroom, slamming the door, hands clenched, teeth grit, fingers shaking, everything shaking because it meant something awful and he had an awful girlfriend that he had to stay with because she was safe and anything else was.

Anything else was just not a possibility.

\--

“Is he ok?” Yugyeom whispered, glancing furtively towards Jaebum’s now shut bedroom door, the entire living room radiating a tense aura in his wake.

“Yeah.” Jackson nodded. “I probably left a mess in the kitchen, don’t worry about it.” Hanging out had sounded like a silly idea, but he liked it more and more as it went on, and they weren’t even watching the television. Yugyeom was very different from Jaebum, he was always smiling and he never seemed to be thinking of anything other than what they were talking about. He smelt nice now that he wasn’t nervous.

“Mh…” Yugyeom said, nodding. “Man, it’s amazing how you’re so unfazed by him. I would always be scared if I lived with Jaebum.” His eyes flitted to Jackson’s dogtag, and he reached out to touch it. “So you’re from Hong Kong?”

“Uhm…yeah.” Jackson knew not to talk about himself too much because it was supposed to be a secret. “I was born there. But I love Korea!”

Yugyeom smiled, his eyes lifting to Jackson’s. He had really long eyelashes and soft brown eyes like a deer, and Jackson liked it. “Have you tried Shooting Star ice cream since you’ve been here?” he asked. “It’s sort of a Korean speciality.”

Jackson shook his head no and Yugyeom’s eyebrows shot up. “You have to let me get you some!” he said. “Okay!” Jackson smiled. “I like ice cream!”

“You’re—” Yugyeom faltered, before smiling. “I like your style.”

“I’m gunna ask Jaebum.” Jackson dashed to the bedroom door, knocking once before yelling, “Jaebum can we go get ice cream please, the store’s right there, we’ll be right back, I promise.” All really fast, and excited.

There was a silence, and for a while Jackson wasn’t sure if he had been heard, but then Jaebum said “Fine”. One word, and he sound upset, but Jackson wasn’t sure why. He hoped Jaebum hadn’t been on the phone with his mother again. “Are you sure?” he asked again, excitement draining from him and quickly being replaced with concern.

“Go before I change my mind.” Jaebum sounded even madder—more mad, now, and Jackson frowned at the door, hesitating. His words and tone weren’t matching up, and it was confusing Jackson. But Yugyeom was waiting by the door, ad he had gotten permission, and he really wanted to try this ice cream so he turned and walked away.

\--

“Do you like it?” Yugyeom asked, as Jackson took a tentative lick of his ice cream, and Jackson nodded. “It’s great.” He said quietly. He hadn’t been able to stop feeling worried about Jaebum, even this amazing ice cream wasn’t helping. “I want to take some to Jaebum though.” He said, taking another lick. He really wanted to scarf down the entire ice cream by himself, but the urge to make Jaebum feel better was a little stronger.

“I’ll get him one.” Yugyeom offered. “In a to-go cup.”

“What’s that?” Jackson asked.

“It’s just a container you can carry ice cream in, and it keeps it cold a little longer.”

“Why didn’t I get one?” Jackson frowned at his drippy cone, licking ice cream that tried to run down his fingers.

“Trust me, the cone’s really good. Don’t hold back, eat well!” Yugyeom gently wrapped tissues around Jackson’s cone, urging him to stop hesitating as he ate.

“Okay.” Jackson said ruefully, digging in a little more enthusiastically. It really was amazing. By the time Yugyeom bought Jaebum’s ice cream, Jackson had already finished his, and Yugyeom was right, the cone was especially good. He held Jaebum’s ice cream and forced himself not to eat any of it as they walked together back towards the apartment.

‘Don’t eat it, don’t eat eat. Do not. Eat it.’ But it looked so good and he wanted it! He was working hard to keep his mind focused, when Yugyeom suddenly stopped him, snapping him out of his mental task.

“Uh, Jackson.” Yugyeom shifted from one foot to the other, and he was nervous again, even more than the very first time. Jackson looked at him with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Ok. Ok. I never do this. I think that’s why I’m going to do it, because…I-I-I always wait too long, and you’re leaving anyways so it doesn’t even matter if you say no, I don’t even care I just need to get this out.” Yugyeom said, all too quickly, and Jackson stayed quiet, hoping he would say something that made sense.

“You’re. You’re really…cool, and I don’t have—I mean does anyone have gaydar, but I just get the vibe that…I. Oh my god. Do you want to go out?”

“Go out?” Jackson blinked, glancing down at Jaebum’s ice cream. It was starting to melt. Why couldn’t they talk about this inside where the freezer was?

“On a date.” Yugyeom sounded frantic. “With me. Do you want to, would you want to go on a date with me? I think…I want to take you on one.”

Jackson lifted his head sharply on the word ‘date’. He knew about dates because of the movie he had seen with a girl who went on lots of dates to find _Mr. Right_ , and because his tutor had been on dates before she met her husband. Dates were when you went out for food and rollerskating and then you had a _good night kiss_. Jaebum had gone on a date with his girlfriend, and now they were dating, which was different somehow. Everything about the concept was confusing and bizarre, Jackson knew about mates a lot more than he knew about dates, but he liked to think that ‘dating’ was the human equivalent.

He had never really thought he would be asked to go on a date. He always had known he would eventually be mated with someone—mates were for life. But dating was something very different, a whole extra step.

But he at least knew what a date _meant._ “You like like me?” he breathed in disbelief. It was something he had never previously fathomed. Like like meant a lot of things that just ‘like’ didn’t mean. It meant EXTRA special.

Yugyeom almost laughed. “I haven’t been able to stop…I definitely like like you Jackson.” He said, and he was looking down at Jackson’s shoes and Jackson suddenly realized he hadn’t wanted to watch tv at all.

“So, what do you say?” Yugyeom asked finally, and Jackson was suddenly aware of how long they had just been standing there. It dawned on him that making someone he like liked wait this long probably would make him really nervous too—he didn’t want to make Yugyeom feel that way any more than he had to.

 

“Mmm…Okay!”


	14. Doing the Right Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson brings Jaebum ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I just started this story and somehow it's nearly surpassed the length of my last one, what?

“You’re back.” Jaebum said, tension melting from his muscles when he noted Jackson had returned alone.

“Here.” Jackson said as he kicked his shoes off. Jaebum’s eyes flitted to the little container of nearly melted ice cream Jackson was carrying. The colours had blended together to create an indistinguishable sort of cosmic mess, but Jaebum’s expression relaxed into a soft smile regardless. “Thanks.” He mumbled, all at once feeling like an absolute dick.

Jackson squatted by his shoes and straightened them carefully, before standing, his expression both wary and pleasant, as if Jaebum was a stray animal that was also kind of endearing.

 _'Fair,'_ Jaebum thought. He has been a bit of a confusing dick. 

Jackson walked towards the couch and Jaebum almost didn’t want to bother talking about what had moments before been a topic of burning desire. The thought of silently sitting with Jackson and allowing him to cuddle against him was much more enticing than bringing up the topic of ‘ _so, hey, I think your new friend has a crush on you.’_ Jaebum was unaware of the extent to which Jackson knew about or understood dating and relationships—if it was anything similar to his concept of eggs, the situation was already panning out to be a disaster.

He didn’t have time to decide if this was even worth mentioning—after all, the kid had gone home, and maybe had misread all of the overt laughter and eye contact in the end. Maybe Yugyeom was just really excited to make a friend.

“Yugyeom asked me on a _date_.”

Maybe not.

“Did he?” Jaebum maintained a tone of neutral indifference, as his mind screamed ‘fuck’ on a jarring, comical loop.

Jackson nodded, gazing at Jaebum over the edge of the couch. “What did you say?” Jaebum asked, flipping the container open and sitting heavily beside Jackson. His stomach felt like it was on fire, and the ice cream did nothing to quell the sensation. It felt like a millennium before Jackson answered, but he dared not look up at him, lest all his emotions burst from him like a tidal wave, drowning Jackson.

“I said okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah.” Jackson nodded.

“You know what a date means, right?” Jaebum’s tongue burned, he hadn’t meant to say that.

A beat’s pause. “Yes, I know what a date means.” Jackson almost sounded irritated. “It means he like likes me.”

“And you do too?” Jaebum asked, digging around in the container like he was searching for gold. ‘I mean you fucking met him a second ago, but **I’m** not going to point that out.’  

“That’s what the dates for.” Jackson said breezily. It seemed he was trying very hard to look as if he totally had this under control. It reminded Jaebum of a teenage that would quip ‘I’m an _adult_ , mom, I’m _thirteen_ ’.

“Does he know you’re leaving soon?” Jaebum asked coolly.

“Yeah.” Jackson said quickly, chest puffed, ready to volley the ball back into Jaebum’s court.

“So, what—are you attracted to him?” Jaebum challenged, lifting his eyes to meet Jackson’s.

“Yes.” Jackson said, shrugging. “So what?” Jaebum was jealous, suddenly, insanely jealous, and not only because Jackson could so brashly admit his attraction to another man like it was no big deal, he was jealous because it was… _fuck._ Jaw clenched, he tossed the empty container down and stood.

“Great.” He felt himself hiss, he couldn’t help it, he was so irrationally mad. “I have work to do. Don’t be loud.”

“Wait.” Jackson’s voice was uncharacteristically quiet, and Jaebum wanted nothing more than to keep walking, _storming_ , away, but something in Jackson’s tone made him stop and turn.

_“ **What.”** _

Jackson plucked at the material of the couch, eyes downcast, bravado gone. “What do I do…on a date?” he said quietly. Jaebum faltered, fresh waves of self-loathing hitting him because, seriously, being a dick to Jackson was like being a dick to a puppy. No one wanted to be that guy, he _especially_ did not want to be that guy. Not when Jackson looked like that, like a gentle, reluctant thing with his downcast eyes and meek expression.

 _Why_ was he so endearing?

\--

 

Jaebum had always been a fan of movie montages, but he’d never realized how many there were in romcom’s. Makeover montages, workout montages, new hairdos, even montages on how to speak better. Convincing Jackson that he didn’t need a new wardrobe or haircut had taken some time, but in the end, Jaebum had gotten around to the root of things.

“The most important thing is that you’re comfortable the whole time.” Jaebum said, after swallowing a mouthful of food. “And just have fun. You already know he likes you, so there’s really nothing to guess at.”

“How will I know if I like him back?” Jackson asked, stealing a bite from Jaebum’s plate, having finished his own food (for the second time). “You’ll definitely know.” Jaebum said. “It’s like…a flutter in your chest, and you feel really warm.”

“Warm…” Jackson echoed. “I like it. So…the point of ‘dating’ is to find someone you want to be with forever?”

“I don’t know about forever….” Jaebum said. “It’s just…people like dating for the idea of ‘forever’ but sometimes what they really want is… ‘for now’”.

“I always thought my person would just be forever.” Jackson frowned. “My dad taught me that you only have one person for your whole life and you have to just make it work.”

“Mh…wolves are firm believers in mating for life I guess.” Jaebum said, looking at Jackson ruefully. “People tend to be a little pickier though.”

“You’re like a wolf then.” Jackson mused. “You stay with Jimin even though she yells at you and makes you frown.”

Jaebum made a face. “It’s…more like…mh…never mind.” He finished weakly. “I don’t think we’re going to be _forever_.”

“That might be good.” Jackson smiled teasingly. “You’re a lot cuter when you’re happy.”

“Go read Harry Potter.” The tips of Jaebum’s ears were pink. “And stop stealing my food!”

\--

Time moved at a glacier pace. Jaebum knew he could probably spend time with Jinyoung, or Taecyeon, or actually get started on his thesis, which he really needed to do, but sitting at home, staring at the clock every fifteen minutes and feeling something between worry and irrational anger, and imagining every single scenario that could be going on between Jackson and Yugyeom. Why had he let Jackson go out with him? He could have said no, for a dozen reasons, but he hadn’t.

It had only been an hour, but in the worst case scenario, that was enough time for them to have decided to skip dinner and jump to making out in the back of Yugyeom’s hypothetical car that Jaebum knew he didn’t actually have, but in this hypothetical situation it made everything just bad enough for him to keep the imaginary detail in his mind. And he knew Yugyeom probably wasn’t like that, he probably just genuinely wanted to get to know Jackson and spend some time with him, but that didn’t stop the thoughts. Jaebum hadn’t been able to stop mulling over the fact that he was way more attracted to Jackson than someone with a girlfriend was supposed to be, and that brought him to the decision he was making now.

It wasn’t fair to leave Jimin hanging as he had been doing, and although it had been less than a week since they had last spoken, and they had had longer periods with even less communication, this was different. Jaebum realized he was ready to take the plunge—he was ready to break up with Jimin, Jackson had helped make that clear to him through more than just his adorable facial expressions (which is something that Jaebum would let his mind think about later, his mind could only handle one thing at a time). But he was going to do it, and because he couldn’t stop thinking about it, he had decided to do it now, while Jackson was out.

“Can you come over? We need to talk.”

Hopefully, there wouldn’t be too much screaming.


	15. Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson and Yugyeom go on a date.

 “You’ve never read Harry Potter?” Jackson scoffed, as if he himself hadn’t just discovered the series. Yugyeom had taken him to Korean Barbeque and he had never seen this much meat in his life. And more kept coming! Putting it unto the grill and watching it cook was extra fun, flipping it over and eating it right away. “Blow on it first!” Yugyeom worried, reaching over to blow at the piece of pork Jackson held between his chopsticks. “It’s hot. And no, I’ve never read Harry Potter, should I?”

“If you don’t, I’ll come find you.” Jackson announced decisively. “You _have_ to read it.”

“Ok, I will then.” Yugyeom was agreeable by nature, reaching over to arrange the meat on the grill with the sort of earnest attention Jackson wondered if he applied to everything, “I’m not much of a reader, but I guess I’ll make an exception for you.” He lifted his eyes to Jackson’s in a brief moment of courage, before letting them bashfully fall back to the grill.

For the most part, this ‘date’ wasn’t that different from the ‘hang out’ from before, Jackson thought, except they were in a public place and Yugyeom was wearing a shirt with buttons. He wasn’t complaining, but apprehension filled him as he waited receptively for the _spark_. Jaebum had said it could happen any time, and it would take him by surprise, but he didn’t want to be taken by surprise, so instead he chose to seek it out, paying attention to each minute detail that might lead to that _spark_. He wanted to be ready.

Jaebum had explained that men dating other men was a lot less common than men dating women, which Jackson had understood, after all, the need for procreation was valid, but not _everyone_ needed to procreate, right? Why would the fact that it was uncommon matter anyways? Still, he had added that fact to the growing list of random information Jaebum offered him.

“So…” Yugyeom said, clearing the meat off the grill and placing—Jackson noted—a lot more unto Jackson’s plate than his own. “How long have you known you were…y’know?”

Jackson was momentarily distracted by meat, scarfing down a few pieces in utter bliss, before registering he hadn’t understood the question.” I was what?” he asked, swallowing, and willing himself to pause before eating more. _Chew carefully, swallow, then wait—_ Jaebum had urged, with emphasis on the wait.

“Uhm…well, gay.” A few heads bobbed in interest by their table, and Jackson got the distinct impression they were being watched. “I’m not gay.” He blinked, his voice louder than Yugyeom’s.

“Oh.” Yugyeom’s face was pink and Jackson wondered why he was embarrassed, but he felt badly either way. “I mean…” he clarified. “I think you’re attractive.”

More eyes, and Jackson turned his head to scowl at a particularly rude woman that was staring. What was _her_ problem?

“Oh…” Yugyeom’s voice ghosted shakily, and he suddenly was eating quickly, his head down. Jackson hoped he had clarified enough; the eyes of the table nearby were bothering him excessively. “I’ve never liked anyone before.” He admitted, leaning in closer to Yugyeom. “ _Like_ liked. So…I think you would say I’m inexperienced.” He offered a reassuring smile, hoping that would do something to soothe Yugyeom’s worried expression.

“That’s…shocking.” Yugyeom said, before making an expression even more embarrassed than the last. “I mean…Jackson, you’re…gorgeous.” He said the last word really quietly, but Jackson heard, and his eyes flashed happily. Suddenly, he was aware his heart was beating a little faster in his chest, was it the way Yugyeom was looking at him? He smelt different too, he smelt sweet and open, and Jackson realized quite suddenly that it was the smell of arousal, and suddenly, he wasn’t hungry any more.

“Thanks.” He said, hesitating at the sound of his own voice. It was different too, suddenly. Was this the spark?? He bit his lip, worried, because he couldn’t tell, and he needed to know!

“Do you want to go to the park afterwards?” Yugyeom put his chopsticks down, and his voice sounded like Jackson’s, sort of low and thick. “There’ll be less people there.”

“Okay.” Jackson said, without hesitating. Less people suddenly sounded fantastic.

\--

“I’m breaking up with you.” Jaebum had practiced the line 60 times before Jimin had arrived, and now here she was, in the flesh, extravagantly gorgeous and piercingly awful all at the same time. When things had been good between them, which Jaebum now realized was such a distant memory it was foggy, he had liked to hold her against him and smell the top of her head. She had always smelled like fresh strawberries, his weakness. And now she smelt like them again.

She had known this was coming.

“No, you’re not.” Jimin threw his words aside with a flick of her wrist, striding into the living room.

“Yes, I am.” Jaebum said firmly, still standing with his hand on the door, back turned to her. He had known this was coming. “You shouldn’t even try to fight it; I don’t know why you would.”

“Because, I love you.” Mundane, flat—it was the sort of love one had for a dependable pair of loafers, if even that much, and Jimin preferred heels anyways.

“You definitely don’t. I don’t know if you ever did.” Now wasn’t the time to start drudging up thoughts of inadequacy, those could be saved for later.

“Ok, why are you breaking up with me now?” Jimin was lounging across the couch, oblivious to the magnitude of the situation. Jaebum shut the door, it was the first step to defeat.

“Babe, come sit.”

“Because you don’t make me happy.” Jaebum rubbed at his temple, turning to face Jimin. “You make me the opposite…of happy.” How did she manage to make him feel so _stupid_?

“Stop huffing and puffing at the door, Jae _bumie—”_ He _hated_ when she said his name like that, hated when she looked at him like that, like she knew she was going to get her way and she always did somehow. He was to blame but knowing that never made him stronger in his convictions, it just made him hate himself more. “Just come sit. Let’s talk.”

“I sit and you then suddenly you’re in my lap, and then we stop talking.” Jaebum bit at the inside of his mouth anxiously. He hadn’t had sex since…the last time they’d had sex, and Jimin sitting there all sprawled out was doing nothing to help him. “There’s nothing to talk about. We’re breaking up. We’re bad for each other. That’s it. Now, now…go.” Jimin knew his biggest secret—that his bravado was just that.

“…Nope.”

\--

“I wasn’t sure until I was 11, and then it was so obvious I was surprised I hadn’t realized before.” Yugyeom spoke quietly as they walked through the deserted park, their fingers occasionally brushing at their sides. “So, then you only like guys?” Jackson clarified.

“Yup.” Yugyeom nodded, a little longer than necessary, as if to assure himself as well as Jackson. “Trust me, I’ve tried to change that.”

“Don’t change it.” Jackson said quickly. “Boys are your favourite, like eggs are my favourite.”

“Eggs?” Yugyeom smiled in clear relief, and Jackson noticed their fingers were bushing just a little more frequently than before.

“Yeah, eggs are my favourite food. And I **don’t** like vegetables, and no one can make me even if they try. So, I understand. There’s nothing wrong with liking eggs, and nothing with liking vegetables, right?”

“Right. Wow…Jackson, you’re so smart.” Yugyeom said, shaking his head and looking at Jackson with a pleased, proud expression. “That makes complete sense.”

“I know.” Jackson said loftily. “Here.” He reached his hand out, because Yugyeom didn’t look like he was going to gather the courage to hold his hand any time soon, so he did it, intertwining their fingers. He liked that Yugyeom made him feel smart—he liked the way he made him feel in general, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that feeling was. Yugyeom’s hand was warm, and the way his thumb brushed across the back of Jackson’s palm made his stomach feel tingly.

“Jackson.” Yugyeom stopped suddenly, and Jackson nearly bounced into him—he had been mulling heavily over what all of this meant. “Can I kiss you?”

“Kiss me?” Jackson had never felt this sort of feeling before, nervous, and tight in his stomach.

“Yeah.” Yugyeom smelt nervous, but also aroused again like before; Jackson wondered if he was the same. “I’m nervous.” He admitted. His heart was going really fast, and it was hard to think all of a sudden. He didn’t like it, but at the same time, he did?

“We don’t have to.” Yugyeom breathed quietly. “I just…I mean, you’re leaving soon anyways. I feel like…I would kick myself if I missed the chance.”

“Kick yourself.” Jackson smiled at the imagery. He wanted to tell Yugyeom that it was flattering how much he seemed to like him, because he wasn’t sure why. But he couldn’t find the words. They didn’t say anything for a while, and Jackson waited for his heart to slow down, but it wouldn’t, it just kept going, going. Maybe it wouldn’t stop unless they kissed. And what if he never got the chance to kiss someone again? With every day, the thought of going back home, which was starting to feel less and less like home, filled him with a sort of sadness. At home he couldn’t cook his own food and he couldn’t kiss boys that made his heart beat fast. Suddenly, the memory of Jaebum kissing his girlfriend flashed into his mind, and Jackson remembered how it had made him feel.

He hadn’t liked the feeling—but if Jaebum was willing to stay with Jimin just because of kissing, maybe there was something to it?

 

 

“Okay, kiss me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN.


	16. Dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson tells Jaebum about his date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has officially surpassed my last in kudos and comments! All your support really means a lot, every comment makes writing this story so much more fun and interactive. So, thank you!

“I’m home!” Jackson announced, clicking the hall light on after kicking off (then crouching and straightening) his shoes. The second he had stepped into the apartment, he had known something was wrong. The living room smelled strange, the pillows sprawled across the couch in a way Jaebum hated. It smelt like perfume, and something else Jackson couldn’t quite place. His stomach tightened when Jaebum didn’t respond, and he noticed his bedroom door was firmly shut. Jackson bit his lip anxiously, unsure of what to do. His brain wanted to tell him that Jaebum was just asleep, that the rustling sounds that quietly slipped under the crack of the bedroom door was the sound of Jaebum rolling over in his bed, but he knew it wasn’t true.

Jackson hesitated—a week ago he would have just barged into the bedroom and let his heart do the rest of the talking, but annoyingly enough, logic and _self-control_ had been presenting themselves more prominently in his personality. It was starting to make sense why Jaebum always seemed to be thinking things over—using your mind made things _complicated_. But his head buzzed frantically; he hated the idea of Jaebum with that awful girl again, she was the worst, she made him sad, and it was becoming clear that Jaebum didn’t have many people in his life that made him feel good about himself. He didn’t even have a brother. Jackson felt fiercely protective, and he was feeling something else, kind of like fire, like lightning in his chest. That was new. And suddenly, logic and self-control flew out of the window and it was just instinct left, flinging Jaebum’s bedroom door open.

“Jackson!” Jaebum exclaimed in surprise, and Jackson’s eyes roamed the room accusingly, before settling on Jaebum. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, wearing only a pair of drawstring pajama bottoms, but he was alone.  Jackson blinked, adrenaline beginning to drain his body. “You’re back.”

“I thought—” Jackson started, before noticing the square-shaped box beside Jaebum on the bed. “What’s that?”

Jaebum smiled guiltily. “Well, I was trying to wrap them before you got home, but—well yeah.” He flipped open the box to reveal what Jackson immediately recognized as the shoes he had excitedly described to Jaebum that he wished he could wear. He gasped, lunging for them--they were even cooler when he got to touch them, thick and shiny and shoe-smelling. “Ohmanohmanohman…” he whispered, flipping them over in his hands. “How did you know the exact kind??” he asked, looking to Jaebum’s cheesy big grin in awe, before returning his gaze to the shoes.

“They’re called Doc—”

“Shh.” Jackson shook his head, clutching the shoes to his chest. “Don’t speak. I’ve found my true loves…”

“Y’know, I miss the days when you didn’t talk.” Jaebum teased, delight dancing in his eyes as he watched Jackson. “No you don’t!” Jackson exclaimed, pouncing unto Jaebum, half hugging and half strangling him. “You love when I talk!”

“No, it’s so annoying!” Jaebum choked out, his hands snaking up to grab Jackson round the waist, capable of the ability to push Jackson away, but making no move to. Eventually Jackson lay on top of him like deadweight, ignoring Jaebum’s muffled half-hearted protests. He had missed the smell of him.  

“How was your date?” Jaebum asked quietly, his piercing eyes drifting across Jackson’s face, and Jackson looked down at him. “I had fun.” He said simply, and Jaebum made a frustrated ‘tell me more’ sound in the back of his throat, scowling—but with happy eyes. Jackson decided he liked to tease Jaebum, and he liked how looked lying on his back, his full attention captured, his hair spread messily across his forehead. Jaebum didn’t like to be called cute, and that wasn’t the word, anyways, it was more like— **striking**. If Mark was beautiful, Jaebum was striking, but it was interesting how differently those two faces made Jackson feel inside.

 “We kissed.” He said, his own voice suddenly quiet. The memory was fresh in his mind, warming him.

“How was that?” Jaebum asked, his eyes settling on Jacksons mouth; he looked there a lot.

“It was…I didn’t think that’s how it would feel.” Jackson mused, sitting up. “It felt…warm…nice, kind of like a hug—like the mouth version of a hug.”

“The mouth version of a hug, huh?” Jaebum said, sounding suddenly relaxed. “What did you think it would feel like?”

“Like…” Jackson closed his eyes, thinking back to the kiss. Yugyeom had put his hands gently unto his shoulders, almost like he was afraid to break him, pulling him close. He had been so shaky all over his body—nervous. And then Yugyeom had kissed him, gently, it didn’t last long. He tasted kind of like spicy, his lips were warm and soft and it had been nice.

_But lots of things were nice._

“I thought it would feel like fire.” He said, his eyes still firmly shut, lying beside Jaebum. “Like everything would stop in the whole world and I would lose my mind, just…lose it. I thought it would be like…” he searched for the word, frustrated, because he knew it in his mind, he could feel it. That all encompassing, dizzying, passionate hunger, like all the greatest poems in the world, poems he hadn’t exactly been allowed to read but with lines that had burned themselves into his minds eye with their beauty, and until now, he hadn’t known how badly he wanted to experience it for himself.

“The _spark_.” It was all Jaebum said but Jackson was fully aware he understood all of what wasn’t being said, and he was comforted. Comforted by the feeling of Jaebum at his side, their bodies brushing, comforted by his breathing and his smell, and suddenly Jackson missed him, though he was inches away.  

“I wanted the _spark_ before it was too late.” Jackson’s eyes sprang open. “I wanted it really badly. It wasn’t there.” A despondent frown tugged at his lips. He felt Jaebum’s eyes on him and he glanced at him curiously. “I’m sorry.” Jaebum said, and Jackson pressed up against him.

“You don’t like Yugyeom.” He mused.

“You don’t like Jimin.” Jaebum shot back, before adding, “I broke up with her by the way.”

Jackson grinned, lifting his face to stare into Jaebum’s. “You did??? That’s _awesome_.” His smile was vindictive and victorious.

“You’re a little shit, y’know. You should at least pretend to be apologetic.” Jaebum brushed his fingers across Jackson’s forehead and Jackson felt his toes curl, moving against the touch. “So what happened…what did you tell Yugyeom?”

“I said it felt nice. It did feel nice…” Jackson said. “But I think he knew…well he said he thought it was nice too, but maybe we should just keep being friends.”

“Mh, maybe he realized how lame you were.” Jaebum mused seriously, and Jackson chortled.

He pressed his head against Jaebum’s chest and breathed in deeply, profoundly pleased, although, slightly guilty. He had left out a part of what Yugyeom had said, because he didn’t know what it meant, and he didn’t want to say anything until he knew what it meant.

_“You don’t feel anything, do you?” Yugyeom smiled sadly, but like he’d been ready, expectant._

_“I feel—”_

_“It’s ok. I really just wanted to get to know you anyways. Let’s be friends ok?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Besides, it was obvious, you like Jaebum right? **That** must be **hard**.” _

\--

The escape from Jimin had sent Jaebum’s small group of friends into a flurry activity, and against Jaebum’s will, they had insisted on coming over to celebrate with him on Friday night—because he had refused to leave the apartment. Jackson had been very adamant about him letting them come over because ‘he needed to spend time with his friends and be social—urgh’ but he was probably regretting that decision a lot now because Jaebum had gotten the vacuum cleaner out and was doing a full house clean in preparation for the mess they would no doubt bring along with them.

Jackson **hated** the vacuum cleaner.

“Jackson it’s not going to hurt you.” He yelled to his firmly shut bedroom door.

“G-g-g-go away!” Jackson yelped from the other side. “Don’t bring it in here!”

“I won’t.” Jaebum promised. “What do you think it’ll do to you though?”

“It’s too loud.” Jackson whined.

“You’re the one who insisted I have people over, you wouldn’t want them coming into a messy apartment, would you?”

“As a matter of fact, I really don’t care.” Jackson said, and Jaebum laughed.

“Fine.” He shut the vacuum off. Jackson’s happiness was beginning to outweigh his desire to clean—it was kind of ridiculous. Was he becoming a better person? This person that conceded and put others concerns before his own??  “You’re very selfish, Jackson Wang.”

“I’ll help you sweep.” Jackson piped, opening the door, a grin on his face, and Jaebum’s heart jumped to life in his chest—every time Jackson smiled like that knocked the breath right out of him. “We can do it together. And you promise to have lots of fun with your friends and be social right?”

Jaebum nodded quietly, watching Jackson pick up the little broom and dustpan and begin a very clumsy, inefficient attempt at sweeping, but he didn’t say anything—Jackson looked so _pleased_ with himself.

“Can you order pizza too?” Jackson asked. After the one time Jaebum had done it, Jackson had become utterly fascinated with the concept. He picked up the dustpan and a little trail of dirt fell from it as he walked to the kitchen and Jaebum wanted to turn the vacuum back on and pick it up, but he resisted that urge. On second thought, in no way was he becoming a better person, it was for entirely selfish reasons that he couldn’t help needing to make Jackson smile.

It was more than worth it, even if it did leave a little trail of dirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking tomorrow off for my mom's birthday! Next update will be early June 9th!


	17. Anything Hurts Less than the Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum celebrates too hard.

“To Jaebum.” Taecyeon beamed, raising his frosted beer bottle high into the air in tribute. “For _finally_ doing what we’ve _all_ wanted for the longest time.”

“Here, here.” Jinyoung jumped in quickly, clinking glasses with Taecyeon, his eyes roaming the other mans face. “I can’t believe you finally did it.”

Jaebum shrugged, joining in the toast with a smile. “It was time.” He said.

“You guys were dating for like a _year_.” Jinyoung emphasised, shaking his head.

“7 months.” Jaebum corrected with a smile, glancing to Jackson who was sitting on the carpet at the coffee table, watching curiously as Youngjae set up a board game.

“It felt like a year.” Jinyoung quipped. “She was awful.”

“How did you do it?” Taecyeon asked curiously. “How did she take it?”

“I just…told her. And she took it…well she took it well enough.” Jaebum said vaguely. At the very least, he had gotten her to confirm that he was, in fact, breaking up with her, although she had said ‘I’ll be back’ and ‘this isn’t over’ more times than he was comfortable with.

“Well, I’m proud of you.” Taecyeon confirmed, glancing at Jinyoung just in time for Jinyoung to glance away guiltily, caught gazing. “I’m really glad.”

“That’s why I keep the bar low.” Jaebum smiled. “Everything becomes impressive.”

“What made you do it?” the little glance Taecyeon shot to Jackson wasn’t lost on Jaebum in the slightest, and Jaebum reddened, ignoring him.

“Jaebum’s friends.” Jackson piped, standing up. Jaebum had let him taste a bit of beer, but he hadn’t liked it at all, and now he was eyeing the other boys drinks in confusion, wondering why they seemed to like them so much. “Are you hungry? I can make you food.”

Jaebum smirked, lifting his eyes to Jackson’s. That question meant Jackson was the hungry one, but he did admire that Jackson had taken his advice of ‘offering others something to eat or drink’ when they came over, although he himself was very guilty of not doing that. He wouldn’t influence Jackson to become anything like him.

“Don’t worry, we’re ordering pizza.” He said, and Jackson’s whole face lit up. Of the boys, Taecyeon was the only one that had some idea of the truth behind Jackson, but he was tactful enough not to say anything in the presence of the other boys. His eyes were thoughtful as he watched Jackson, who was finally dressed in clothes that were Jaebum’s, and was speaking Korean far more fluently than the last time Taecyeon had seen him. Jaebum got the distinct feeling that Taecyeon was very fond of Jackson, and he assumed it was only that fondness that was distracting from him noticing how openly Jinyoung was staring at him.

“Ok, nevermind!” Jackson grinned, sitting down and fiddling with the stack of cards on the board games table. “Can we play this game?” he asked, looking at Youngjae with an earnest expression.

“Sure, if everyone’s ready.” Youngjae beamed. “All you have to do is pick a card, the category will be decided by what you roll, and you just do what the card says. It’s called Quelf.”

“Are there dares?” Jinyoung asked, finishing his second beer, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Not…really.” Youngjae blinked. “Do you want to play truth or dare?”

“Nope.” Jaebum said quickly, much to Jinyoung’s chagrin, putting his drink down and sitting at the coffee table. “None of that, not, nope, nope.”

“Let’s make it interesting. Drink on every fail.” Taecyeon said, wriggling his brows competitively.

“You’re on.” Jaebum grinned, rolling the die. “You’re a hilarious drunk.”

\--

One hour later and Jinyoung had a pot on his head and had to do the chicken dance every time someone said the word ‘cheese’, Youngjae wasn’t allowed to move any part of his lower body, Jaebum was in the lead, Jackson had eaten an entire pizza, and Taecyeon was hilariously drunk.

“Ok Jackson, you drew a trivia card. Every answer you get right gives you a point—and you can answer until the timer runs out.” Youngjae said, reading the instructions. Jackson was still practically at the beginning of the board, having not understood many of the questions on the board.

“Give him another one.” Jaebum frowned. Jackson already looked worried, munching on his 13th piece of pizza with a concerned expression.

“You’re just trying to make sure you win.” Jinyoung’s voice echoed around in the pot on his head. “If he does well he could beat you.”

“No I—”

“Dooooouche.” Taecyeon hollered, cupping his mouth. “Winning is that important to you huh?” he reached blindly for his beer bottle, which Jaebum grabbed out of his reach. “Don’t worry, my blood alcohol level is probably still…good.” Taecyeon declared, rubbing his eyes. “Right tin man?” he added, turning to Jinyoung.

“Oh my god.” Jaebum shook his head. “Fine, go ahead!”

“Ok.” Jaebum asked. “If Jackson doesn’t get the answer within 10 seconds, someone can steal and get it for themselves. First question, What is the main color on the Chinese flag?”

“RED!” Jackson yelled in relief through a mouthful of pizza. “I know that one!” He was glad, because he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Jaebum’s cool friends. “I’m not so smart, but at least I’m Chinese!”

Jaebum smiled softly. “Jackson don’t say th—”

“Shh!” Jinyoung hissed. “Ask more questions

“Which mammal has the longest gestation period?”

Jackson scowled. “Uh…elephant!” he said.

“How do you know that?” Jaebum asked in surprise.

“I saw it on the tv.” Jackson beamed. “The elephant gestates for almost 2 years.”

“Which of Shakespeare’s plays is the shortest in length?”

“The comedy of errors.” Jackson blinked, his body relaxing visibly as he became more comfortable. Maybe he would be ok at this after all.

“What is the layman’s term for the Anthrenus verbasci?”

“Carpet beetle!” Jackson exploded.  

“Wait, how did you know that?” Jaebum blinked, suddenly feeling like a dick for not having believed in Jackson. He didn’t even know that, he didn’t know most of these.

“How long does it take for a fertilized egg to hatch?”

“21 days!”

“In Harry Potter, what’s the name of the hea—”

“DUMBLEDORE!”

“Final question—how much does wearing your seatbelt lower the risk of injury in a car crash?” Youngjae asked, glancing at the timer, which was about to run out.

“Uh…” Jackson squinted. He knew this, he had heard it while watching the traffic updates in the morning. “I think…oh…61%!” It was 61%, he remembered because he had thought at the time ‘where did the 1% come from’?? It had seemed so random.

“Wow, you got them all!” Youngjae cheered, and Jinyoung clapped from beneath his pot helmet. “Jackson, you’re so smart—did he pass Jaebum?”

“6…7…and then a 3-point bonus for getting them all—10 points!” Youngjae moved Jackson’s figure across the board, placing it just in front of Jaebum’s. “Jackson, you didn’t just beat Jaebum, you won!”

“Wow!” Jackson beamed at his little man, excited. “I won!” he wasn’t sure what ‘winning’ signified, but he was happy to be playing with everyone—and for pizza.

“You’re really intelligent. You should be a doctor.” Taecyeon slurred, observing Jackson carefully. “Where did you learn all those facts?”

“I watch the television.” Jackson explained lightly, gesturing. “It teaches you all sorts of things, plus it has detergent with twice the cleaning power for only half the price, and the same great smell!”

“You learned Shakespeare from the television?” Jinyoung blinked, trying to adjust his glasses while keeping the pot on his head, not realizing that the game being over meant there was really no need for that.

“No, I just like Shakespeare a lot.” Jackson smiled. Jaebum watched him, stunned silent. A combination of guilt and pride was filling him. He had never thought Jackson was ‘dumb’, but seeing his intelligence presented so tangibly forced his heart into a fluttering kick dance, and he started wondering just how many ways had he been underestimating Jackson? Jackson, who’s company was so pleasantly undemanding that it was somehow easy to spend hours at a time with him without even checking his watch.

“My turn.” Taecyeon blinked, reaching for a card.

“The games over.” Jinyoung’s laugh rattled around from beneath his stainless-steel pot. “ _Silly_.”

“I got to be up early.” Taecyeon slurred, standing shakily. “I should go home.”

“You can’t get home on your own.” Jinyoung said quickly, yanking the pot off his head and jumping up as well. “I’ll help you.”

“Neither of you are really sober.” Youngjae pointed out, packing away the board game carefully. “I’ll make sure you get home properly.”

“I’m really sober.” Jinyoung exclaimed, looking distraught.

“Not me.” Taecyeon shook his head slowly.

“Can you make sure they both get home safely?” Jaebum asked Youngjae, standing and grabbing a few empty beer bottles. “And that Jinyoung doesn’t follow Taecyeon home. Especially the second one.”

“Why doesn’t anyone want me to be happy?” Jinyoung groaned.

“I want you to be happy.” Youngjae offered sunnily, completely misunderstanding, ushering both Jinyoung and a wobbly Taecyeon towards the door. “I’ll make you some tea.”

“I don’t want tea. I want something that rhymes with tea.” Jinyoung mumbled the second part so quietly Jaebum nearly didn’t catch it, but he did, choking on air. He had to give it to Jinyoung, he didn’t hide what he wanted, which was much more than Jaebum could say about himself.

\--

“You’re so warm.” Jackson groaned, leaning in towards Jaebum, rubbing a hand across his cheek. It was almost comical the way Jaebum felt his heartbeat jump to life every time Jackson came near him. His mind was loose and languid from alcohol as they sat together with the discovery channel droning on in the background. It was insane to think that he had met Jackson only just over a week ago, and already had a ridiculous crush on him. “It’s the beer.” He replied after a while, wondering if his cheeks were flushed.

“The last time I had a crush like this I was in grade school.” He mused out loud, gazing at the top of Jackson’s head thoughtfully. “Puffer fish…” Jackson mumbled quietly, gazing at the television, pushing his head into Jaebum’s chest. Jaebum could have groaned aloud. ‘FUCK, he’s cute.’ He wasn’t just cute.

“I think that Jinyoung like likes your doctor friend.” Jackson said suddenly, sitting up and looking at Jaebum. “He kept looking at him like this.” He tilted his chin down and looked up at Jaebum with a look very similar to the one Jinyoung had been giving Taecyeon, but the expression on his face did things to Jaebum that he couldn’t handle.

Jaebum stared at Jackson, willing himself to speak, all while wondering what he could do to get that look directed at him every moment of the day. A list of reasons of _why not_ flashed through his mind one by one like a movie reel, but the one reason _why_ was in bold—pinned to the top of that list—he _wanted_ to. “Hey Jackson.” He breathed quickly, pulling Jackson towards him by the hem of his shorts. And then he didn’t have anything to say, no lines or quips or lead ups, just one thought. And what could it hurt, just one kiss, just for a second? Maybe he was drunker than he thought.

Jackson was intoxicating to look at, to smell, to listen to, everything about him was pleasing to all the senses, and the kiss was brief, 3 (blissful) seconds at most, Jaebum wasn’t sure when it started, when their lips met, he didn’t even want to close his eyes, he just wanted to know what Jackson tasted like—sweet, with absolutely no bitter aftertaste. His heart bashed around in his chest like it wanted to fight him, and he wanted to keep kissing Jackson but his fuzzy mind blearily said no, so he pulled away, but not too far, because he wanted to carry on being near to Jackson.

Jackson looked at him for a moment, his expression unreadable, bright eyes flitting across Jaebum’s face. If this were a romcom, his eyes would flash with a sudden realization and he would lean in to kiss Jaebum back and they would kiss hold each other and then have sex and then date, just like that. But it wasn’t a romcom, so after a few seconds of quietly looking, he simply put his head back against Jaebum’s chest and went back to watching the discovery channel.  

Jaebum held his breath and willed himself to pass out, or jump back a minute in time, whichever came first. There was no rejection quite as sharp as silence. 


	18. Holding Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither Jaebum nor Jackson are entirely honest.

Four. That was the unfortunate number of beers Jaebum had drunk. He stared at them, lined up on the kitchen counter, accusing each of them individually, cursing them. He hadn’t felt drunk really, if not for the fact that he had--

He shook his head, blinking the bleary dizziness away, and grabbed the bottles off of the counter, and once again allowed himself to revisit the gruesome details of what he had done only a few hours ago. Kissed Jackson, on the mouth, without even so much as an inquiry of if it was ok, just _kissed_ him. The feeling of the material of Jackson’s shorts burned his fingertips, but the feeling of his lips, Jaebum would never, ever forget.  

Every romance novel had some cheesy descriptor— _lips like velvet, surging passion, butter-soft_ —bullshit, loads of bullshit. Kissing was kissing, it wasn’t a _thing._ It was just a mouth on another mouth. Jackson’s lips had been slightly chapped and he tasted like cheese pizza—Jimin’s had always been soft and over exfoliated, with some flavored lip balm or other on, yet he couldn’t, he couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss with Jackson, over and over and over and **over,** standing over the recycling and revisiting each second.

“Fuck.” He groaned out loud. The expression on Jackson’s face, no matter how much he tried to rework it in his mind and understand it, he hadn’t been able to. Jackson had just **looked at him.** He had just watched the television quietly, eventually declaring his exhaustion and tugging Jaebum to bed with him.

Jaebum hadn’t meant to, he had intended to keep his confusing feelings tucked away until Jackson was out of his life. Ok they weren’t that confusing, he had a monumentally sized crush on Jackson, who also happened to be a guy—raised in a laboratory. He hadn’t known himself to be attracted to guys before, but Jackson broke all the rules.

“Jaebum.” Jackson walked into the kitchen, laptop in tow. “Which button do I press for answering?” The familiar jingle of a skype call piped through the speakers.

“Remind me to give you a crash course in computers later.” Jaebum said, peering down at the laptop screen. “It’s Mark right?”

Jackson nodded impatiently, disinterested in Jaebum’s babble. “Press it.” He asked. “Please.”

“So, you want to talk to him right?” Jaebum asked blankly, tilting his head, as Jackson stared at him with complete disbelief, his mouth agape. “Okay, okay.” Jaebum answered the call for Jackson, who swivelled the computer back around to face himself. “MARK!” his smile was so wide and gleeful Jaebum couldn’t help but smile as well.

“What a dork.” He mumbled, watching Jackson tear off to the bedroom, blabbering in English. He wondered what that made him. 

\--

“He’s so stubborn, being out of commission doesn’t suit him well at all. And now it’s even worse because he fell down a few of the stairs.” Mark shook his head and Jackson frowned. Mark looked exhausted, with bags underneath his eyes, but his smile was still brave.

“Is he ok?” he asked, wincing at the thought.

“Uh, his back isn’t doing too well, but it wasn’t in the first place anyways. I’m definitely taking the semester off, I haven’t been able to sleep much less get any work done. The kid’s mom is fostering are a _terror_.”   

“I’m sorry.” Jackson bit his lips, wishing he could reach through the screen to hug his brother.

“So yeah, I know I said 2 weeks but—”

“I can stay here for as long as you need.” Jackson interrupted earnestly. He hadn’t been looking forward to leaving Jaebum so quickly anyways.

“Are you having fun? Are you happy?” Mark asked, chewing the inner corner of his mouth.

“Yeah!” Jackson exploded. “I-I-I-I went to Jaebum’s school and I learned fencing at the fencing club and I’m going again soon, it was so fun! Jaebum got me shoes and I’m learning how to cook lots of food and I had Korean Barbeque! And I read Harry Potter, it’s been the most fun in the whole world!”

“I feel bad for whoever owns that Korean Barbeque.” Mark laughed. “I’m so glad you’re having fun. You look really happy.” He rubbed his tired eyes, and shrieks of either laughter or pain could be heard in the distance. “Oh no, I should go soon.” He said warily. “Jaebum’s good too right?”

“Yeah.” Jackson said, his chest thumping involuntarily when Mark said Jaebum’s name. “He broke up with his girlfriend, she was the worst.”

“The worst, huh?” Mark laughed. “Good for him then. Listen, I’ll try to call you back tomorrow ok? Dr. Jinyoung has been asking to speak with you, and he has some updates on Bambam and Luo.”

Jackson nodded. He missed his family, which made the feeling that grew within him each day of not wanting to go back home—Jaebum didn’t even like when he called it _home—_ all the more confusing. In fact, it was getting a little hard to imagine home being somewhere Jaebum wasn’t. “Ok, gogogo.” He urged, at the prompt of another shriek in the background. “It’s bedtime.” Mark sighed in explanation. “I love you bro, be good, ok?”

Jackson smiled, because Mark always thought of him even while he was the tired one. “Okay.” He said. “Bye, I love you!”

The call ended and Jackson sat on the edge of the bed quietly. He had failed to mention that he had gone on a date with Yugyeom and kissed him, and he had extra failed to mention that Jaebum had kissed him too—on the mouth. He wasn’t sure why—why he hadn’t said anything about it, and especially why Jaebum had kissed him. He knew people kissed for lots of reasons, so he assumed Jaebum had kissed him for some reason other than _like liking_ him.

“Ready to go?” Jaebum asked, poking his head into the bedroom. “Your haircut appointment is for noon.”

“Mh.” Jackson nodded, brushing his hair off his forehead. “I can get one like yours right? “he asked, standing.

“Sure, but I think your hair looks great on you.” Jaebum styled his hair away from his forehead—he liked Jackson’s hair and the way it framed his face, adding to his puppy-esque look.

“It makes me look little.” Jackson blinked, tugging at a few strands.

‘Mh right. Definitely blame the hair.” Jaebum mused with a serious expression, ignoring the calm wide-eyed look Jackson directed towards him. “Don’t worry, you can get whatever you want.” Jaebum toyed with one of the dangling silver earrings in his lobe, and Jackson watched him thoughtfully. “Then, I want my ears pierced!” He beamed.

\--

“Wait wait wait!”

“I warned you it would hurt.” Jaebum was smiling entirely too much for someone that was supposed to be being sympathetic. Jaebum’s massive gloating smile was not something Jackson as willing to put up with at the moment, especially while what looked to be a giant gun was directed at his earlobes.

“I’m _very_ brave.” He made sure to point out. “I just want to make sure that _you_ know what you’re doing.” He glanced to the piercer, who looked back at him with an unimpressed expression.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.” Jaebum grinned. “I’ll still think you’re brave.”

“No, I want it.” Jackson said, shaking his head. Jaebum crouched down in front of him.

“Just close your eyes.” He soothed. “It’ll be over in one minute, okay?”

Jackson screwed his eyes shut, and felt Jaebum’s hand in his, which he grabbed gratefully. And then there was a twinge of pain in his left ear, and then his right, like little beestings.

“You’re all done.” The piercer said, and Jackson blinked.

“Really?” he asked, grinning. “Wow, that was so easy! Well, I knew it would be so--” he looked down to his hands that still clutched Jaebum’s in fear, and then to Jaebum, who was smirking at him.

“I only hope I can be as brave as you one day.” Jaebum grinned. “You want to see what you look like?”

Jackson nodded, taking the mirror that was handed to him. “What’s this?” he frowned. There were two tiny silver circles in his ears, that looked nothing like Jaebum’s cool dangles. “Starter earrings.” Jaebum explained, as the piercer left to put together an aftercare kit for Jackson. “You have to wear these for a few weeks before you can get another set.”

Jackson frowned, crest-fallen. “This isn’t a cool look.” He mumbled indignantly, turning his head all different angles.

Jaebum pet Jackson’s knee consolingly, leaving him to inspect himself as he went to pay for the aftercare kit. “You probably know what to tell him already.” The piercer said casually, handing Jaebum the aftercare kit. “Just make sure your boyfriend doesn’t touch them too much.”

Jaebum turned the kit over in his hands, inspecting it. “When can he get another set? 6 weeks?”

“If they heal in time.” The girl at the counter glanced to Jackson, who was already tugging frustratedly at his ears. “I’ll tell him not to.” Jaebum nodded, before gesturing to Jackson.

“Thank you!” Jackson ginned, bounding out of the chair. “You made it not hurt too much.”

The piercer looked at Jackson and her passive expression flashed with warmth for just a moment, so brief that if you blinked you would miss it. “No problem.” She mumbled. “You’re…welcome.”

Jaebum’s eyebrows shot up in surprise as they walked out into the mall. “You melted her ice heart.” He said, nodding approvingly.

“People like it when you smile and say thank you.” Jackson said. “Hey, she called me your boyfriend, did you notice?”

“Oh yeah? No I guess not.” Jaebum said, handing Jackson the aftercare kit. “Don’t touch your ears okay? Once they heal you can get new earrings.”

“Okay.” Jackson acknowledged, bumping shoulders with Jaebum as they walked.

Jaebum smiled, wishing he could just be more honest.

 He had noticed.

And he’d _loved it._


	19. 2 boiled eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wonders if he would like to kiss Jaebum again.

“What is that?” Jinyoung asked, pointing to the little Tupperware container Jaebum brought out of his bag. “Boiled eggs.” Jaebum replied, inspecting the container. “Jackson doesn’t have the most extensive of culinary skills.”

“He made you eggs?” Jinyoung’s brows shot up.

“Mh, he attempted to cook fish and failed—left a massive mess in the kitchen.” Jaebum said, rolling his eyes. “In the end he turned to this.”

“You don’t even like boiled eggs.” Youngjae pointed out, clicking his pen absent-mindedly in between the penning of notes unto a stave bar in his manuscript.

“No, you don’t.” Jinyoung mulled, watching Jaebum bite into an egg, his expression neutral.

“Food is food.” Jaebum said, ignoring the unpleasant blast of salt to his tongue—Jackson was still developing the skillset of flavouring his food with the right amount of seasoning.

Jinyoung observed Jaebum for a while with his eyes, smiling out of the corner of his mouth. “Jaebum. I do believe Jackson might be making you a half-decent person.”

“Seconded.” Youngjae grinned. “Have you two started on your theses?”

Jinyoung shot Jaebum a look. “I have.” He said emphatically. “And I’ve already finished the assignment due next week.”

“I finished it too, thank you very much.” Jaebum made another attempt at his egg. “I made a video submission.”

“It was an essay.” Jinyoung blinked.

“There were no specifications.” Jaebum defended calmly.

“3000 words, double spaced, were the specifications.”

“I _said_ 3000 words, and I spaced them pretty well, thank you.” Jaebum explained.

“Checks out to me.” Youngjae said sunnily. “Besides, Jaebum’s video submissions ae always great.”

“You can’t—” Jinyoung started, before rolling his eyes. “One of these days, you’re going to have to actually _write_ something.”

Jaebum scrunched his nose, realizing suddenly that it was a mirror expression of Jackson’s grumpy expression, but not before Jinyoung caught it. “Right there!” he said. “What was that cute expression?”

“Shut up.” Jaebum narrowed his eyes, trying to save face. “Why don’t we talk instead about how you were practically salivating over Taecyeon on Friday?”

“We—you—shut up!” Jinyoung flushed.

“You should’ve seen him afterwards.” Youngjae laughed, happy simply to be participating. “ _Taecyeon, you should c-carry me home_.”  

“You’re leaving out the part where he _did_.” Jinyoung huffed, biting into lunch aggressively.

“I’m also leaving out the part where he stumbled and fell down while holding you.” Youngjae pointed out, before breaking out into his signature infectious laugh.

“Jinyoung has a cru-ush.” Jaebum smiled quietly in a sing-song, taking the final bite of his god-awful egg.

“Mh, I might not be the only one.” Jinyoung said, looking carefully at Jaebum, who willed himself not to make eye contact.

_Touché._

\--

Jackson spent the morning taking a bath while reading _A Brave New World_ , a book Jaebum had only gotten for school and ever really read. It was fascinating, the language both dry and mystifying, and he found the hours slipping away sitting there, his fingers pruning. Reading was rapidly becoming his favourite pastime, each book was like learning the lives of a whole other person, and for someone like Jackson, that was priceless knowledge. He thought about the night hanging out with Jaebum and his friend, how much he liked each of them.

Taecyeon had a calm kindness that made Jackson feel safe, especially because he had been the first person he had met apart from Jaebum. Jinyoung, he liked him because of how much he took care of Jaebum, even though he was always making faces, he didn’t hide how much he cared about him. Jackson liked knowing that Jaebum had friends that got past his scowling exterior and liked him anyways.

Youngjae was just overall great, _especially_ his laugh.

When Jackson had pruned until he couldn’t anymore, he reluctantly left the tub, noting to himself that he should ask Jaebum if he could go swimming sometime. “Oh.” He said out loud, hearing the little buzz of his phone from the bedroom. Picking it up, he saw it was a message from Yugyeom, and wondered how to reply. Jaebum was always on his phone, and had shown him how to answer skype calls, with the insistence that he would show Jackson more, but he had no idea how to type a message, especially not on a phone with those little keys.

He frowned, staring at the screen, before sighing in relief when it started ringing.

“Hello!”

“Hi Jackson!” Yugyeom’s voice filled him up with happiness. “You wanna hang out? I have time in the studio, so we could fence or—”

“Fencing!” Jackson grinned. “If that’s ok.”

“It’s okay.” Yugyeom said. “Do you know how to get to the studio? I can come get you too.”

“I’ll just call Jaebum and ask if it’s okay.” Jackson mused. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

Jackson nodded and hung up, before dialing Jaebum, who was between classes according to the time

“Hey.”

“Jaebum!” Jackson felt his whole stomach expand with warmth, even though he’d seen Jaebum only a few hours ago. “Did you like your eggs?”

“I liked the second one.” Jaebum said after a moments pause. “The one with the pepper.”

“Okay, I’ll make two with pepper next time.” Jackson mused. “Can I go fencing with Yugyeom?”

“Mh—I don’t want you to go by yourself, the campus is really big. Did you eat?”

“Yeah.”

“Can he come pick you up?”

“Yeah…but I can go by myself, I know where it is.” Jackson offered.

“Uh…let him pick you up.” Jaebum said. “Don’t forget to bring your phone with you okay?”

“ _Okay_.” Jackson exhaled. “You don’t think I could make it there by myself?”  

“I-I-no—”

“I’m kidding.” Jackson exploded into a smile. “I’ll come to your class after okay? I miss you!”

“Don’t touch your earrings.”

Jackson gasped—he had _just_ been touching them. He peered at the phone suspiciously. This thing didn’t have video, right?

“I miss you too.” Jaebum mumbled, as if he'd tried to hold back on saying it, which meant he was _embarrassed_.

Jackson laughed. The strangest things embarrassed Jaebum. “I miss you a lot, I want to snuggle you.” He did; while Jaebum was gone he smelled his sweater and wished he were back home with his little scowling face and cat smile he often exploded into when he was being teasing.

“I’m going.” Jaebum said, making Jackson laugh. Teasing Jaebum was rapidly becoming his favourite thing to do.

\--

“You’re honestly so good at fencing, I can’t believe it.” Yugyeom breathed heavily, removing his headgear with a bewildered expression. Jackson would admit he didn’t really get tired of the compliments. “You’re so _fast_.”

“I have good reflexes.” Jackson said. “Thank you.” He added, remembering the social norm. Yugyeom had taught him how to reply to text messages, and even though it seemed like it would take a long time, he was happy to have learned how to do it.

“Jaebum kissed me.” Jackson said unceremoniously, sitting heavily on the bench and looking up at Yugyeom. “On the mouth.”

“Oh.” Yugyeom blinked. “Wow…uh…was it good?”

“He tasted like alcohol.” Jackson said, making a face. “I don’t like how it tastes.”

“So, you didn’t like it?” Yugyeom asked curiously, sitting beside Jackson.

“It was a surprise.” Jackson said, thinking about it. “He just…kissed me, like a surprise. I didn’t know how to feel. We weren’t on a date.”

“Well, it was probably just impulse.” Yugyeom said after a while. “Have you ever been drunk or tipsy before?”

Jackson shook his head.

“Okay.  Well, basically, you get a lot more impulsive. Things you want to do; you just do them more freely.”

“So you think Jaebum wanted to kiss me from before?” Jackson asked, his heart thumping.

“Well…when people get drunk they sometimes want to be more intimate. Like, horny, you know?”

Jackson didn’t know, but he nodded.

“So maybe he wanted to kiss you from before, maybe he just felt like kissing someone. When you’re drunk, things are kind of confusing.” Yugyeom said thoughtfully. “That’s probably why you don’t know how to feel about it.”

“Maybe.” Jackson mused.

“Would you want to do it again?” Yugyeom asked. “That might be a good indicator.”

“Mh…I dunno.” Jackson said. “Not…” he wasn’t sure how to explain it, but he didn’t like that Jaebum had kissed him right after breaking up with his girlfriend, who he had also kissed all the time. It was really hard to imagine that Jaebum could _like_ like him, especially because thinking that filled him with even more confusing feelings. He didn’t want to like like Jaebum if Jaebum didn’t like him, that would be awful. "Not while he's drunk." 

“You’ll figure it out.” Yugyeom said consolingly. “But uh…isn’t Jaebum your cousin anyways?”

Jackson froze, unsure of what to say. Should he just tell Yugyeom the truth? What could it hurt really?

“We’re…not really cousins.” He finally said, his heart racing with the pending confession. “I’m—”

“Oh, you’re just family friend cousins, right? I get it.” Yugyeom nodded, and Jackson quickly agreed, whatever family friend cousins meant, Yugyeom seemed to accept it.

“Jaebum doesn’t seem like the type to do just do things for no reason. If he kissed you, I think it might mean he likes you.”

“But…he’s so cool.” Jackson mumbled. “I think he sees me like a kid sometimes.” He thought back to the conversation from earlier in the afternoon, and frowned.

“You’re so cool.” Yugyeom emphasized. “And if you think that he sees you as a kid, you should prove that you’re not.”

“Prove that I’m not?” Jackson echoed. That sounded like a great idea, but how could he do that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO SLEEPY. I fell asleep then woke up and forced myself to finish this. GOING BACK TO BED NIGHT.


	20. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson feels the spark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET EXCITED.

“Jae.” Jaebum made no move as Jackson’s hand pushed his shoulder, keeping his eyes firmly shut. “Get up.”

Jaebum reached over to hold Jackson’s hand. Jackson had taken to adorning his fingers with various rings—he enjoyed silver jewelry that flashed in the light, and Jaebum encouraged anything that allowed him to express himself. He pulled Jackson towards him, gabbing him round the waist and pulled him back into bed, all while snoring gratuitously.

“You’re not sleeping.” Jackson said, squinting and peering at him, and it was nearly enough temptation for Jaebum to open his eyes and look at him—Jackson’s many expressions were hilarious and adorable. He kept them shut, pulling Jackson closer against him, smirking. “Yes I am.” He mumbled in reply, burying his face in Jackson’s hair.

Jackson huffed. “Jae. Bum.” He whined, emphasising each syllable, though at the same time he was clearly trying to sneak some snuggles in. Jaebum felt Jackson’s hand slip up his sleeve, feeling at his arm. Jackson liked to compare their arm muscles, always declaring in the end that he ‘won’ but with just enough doubt in his voice for him to check multiple times a day. “Why are you trying to wake me up?” he croaked after a few minutes of Jackson laying there petulantly.

“I made food, and I did a good job this time.”

“What did you make?” Jaebum asked, unswayed. He pulled up the covers and dragged Jackson underneath them. “Chicken.” Jackson’s voice was muffled. “Fried chicken! I didn’t burn myself.” He added indignantly, reading Jaebum’s mind. “I didn’t burn the chicken either. Come…”

“Okay.” Jaebum said, his eyes slipping shut again. “Hey…I’m sorry I kissed you while I was…well, a little drunk. I’ve been meaning to tell you that.”

Jackson hummed thoughtfully, saying nothing. Jaebum looked at him finally, and found his expression searching, his eyes flitting across Jaebum’s face. “It surprised me.” He said simply, shrugging his shoulders, before his brows snapped together indignantly. “And you tasted like alcohol!”

Jaebum blinked the sleep out of his eyes. “Is that all that bothered you about it?” he asked, too quickly for his own liking.

“You should only kiss on a date.” Jackson offered primly, pulling away and getting out of the bed. “Come before it gets cold.”

“Wait.” Jaebum bolted upright, suddenly fully awake and functioning, but Jackson was already gone. What was Jackson implying? If he had asked before kissing him, taken him on a date—it might be okay? Or was he reading too deeply into the situation? Taking Jackson on a date was not feasible, dating Jackson in general wasn’t feasible. But it didn’t matter, so none of these hypothetical thoughts mattered either. It didn’t stop him from wanting more than anything to know what Jackson meant, and it especially didn’t stop him from wanting to ask Jackson on a date.

\--

Jackson thought long and hard about what he was going to do to show Jaebum just how mature he was. He deliberated all through his bubble bath—the chicken hadn’t exactly been a success, because although he had mastered how not to burn the chicken or the frying pan, he hadn’t cooked the chicken the whole way through, which Jaebum had tried to avoid mentioning. So, that had put him a step back more than anything. He made a bubble beard and continued to think—Jaebum kept insisting he try showering instead of bathing, but he hated the idea of the stream of water hitting him.

What could he do?

As he brushed his teeth with his puppy toothbrush, he continued to mull over his thoughts. What was it that made Jaebum so mature? ‘He knows how to get places.’ Jackson thought. He knew how to get places too, but Jaebum didn’t really believe him on that. The answer became clear suddenly. He needed to go out and show Jaebum he was a mature and responsible adult that could travel safely without a problem. He needed to treat Jaebum the way Jaebum was always treating him with things like the puppy toothbrush. But what would Jaebum want? He never seemed to want anything except to cuddle and avoid doing schoolwork, and chicken. Suddenly the perfect surprise hit Jackson like a ton of bricks.

He beamed in excitement, remembering to eat and bring his phone along with him. This would change everything.

\--

“What did Jackson make you today?” Jinyoung asked, his tone amused.

“Guess.” Jaebum said dryly, pulling out the container.

“How fond are you of your cousin that you put up with his mediocre cooking skills all the time?” Jinyoung asked. “I’ve seen you send back food because it wasn’t at the _optimal temperature_.”

“Well, boiled eggs don’t really have an optimal temperature.” Jaebum defended.

“Mh.” Jinyoung was unconvinced. “Hey, hurry up, there’s thunderstorm coming soon.”

Jaebum’s eyes bolted to the dark clouds that gathered above their bench. “Shit, you’re right.” He tossed his things into his bag haphazardly, throwing it unto his back. “I’m always right.” Jinyoung pointed out. “Where are you going?”

“Home.” Jaebum said, already pacing away. “I’ll see you later.”

“We still have class!” Jinyoung yelled after him, as raindrops began their decent, and Jaebum took off into a sprint, dialing Jackson as he ran. 4 rings, then voicemail, and he picked up the pace. “Jackson, don’t worry okay? I’m coming home, stay put.” He urged into the voicemail box, turning off campus as the rain started coming down in sheets. He raced along the pavement, picking up speed with each step, finally arriving to his apartment, soaking wet. Taking the stairs two steps at a time, he landed on his floor with a heaving chest, just in time to hear the most deafening crash of thunder. His wet fingers fumbled frantically for his keys, finally opening his door after a frustrating amount of time.

“Jackson?” he called, kicking his shoes off, ignoring the droplets of water that followed him around the house as he checked the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room, the closets, everywhere he could think of as the sinking realization that Jackson _wasn’t there_ became more and more of a reality. ‘Fuck.’ He dialed Jackson’s phone again and again, slightly relieved to note that at the very least he hadn’t left it in the apartment, and it rang before going to voicemail, which meant that it wasn’t dead. _Slightly relieved_ was equivalent to not having a full-blown panic attack in the kitchen.

His fingers shook as he clutched his cellphone, because he had _told_ Jackson, a hundred times he’d told him. _Don’t leave alone, don’t do it._ The anger was bitter and misplaced—he wasn’t angry, he was petrified, fearful about the loss of someone his heart was so full of it hurt. Overfull, ever-growing, blinding emotional passion about Jackson Wang, an emotion that previously, he had only thought he could feel for a perfectly cooked meal, or sleep. The rain came in mocking sheets, _as if to say fuck you I’m going to make things as impossible for you as I can_ , followed by another smattering of thunder. Jaebum breathed in and out, clinging desperately to his sanity as it slipped away, trying to think.

Where would Jackson have gone?

To his knowledge, Jackson had never left the house on his own before. He quickly realized he didn’t even have Yugyeom’s number, the only other person that might have an inkling of Jackson’s location. He wrote a quick note to let Jackson know to call him if he did come home, before taking off downstairs again, stopping only momentarily to grab an umbrella out of the closet.

‘I’m gunna kill him.’ He thought desperately, over and over, to keep himself sane. The world had never felt so big.

\--

“His number…wait Jaebum, slow down. N-no, I haven’t seen him. Wait, breathe. You sound—he’s…wait, he did say something about surprising you? I don’t know if that means anything…” Jaebum had finally gotten a hold of Yugyeom’s phone number after 10 minutes of texting around and was now speaking to him as he raced up and down the boulevard. “Surprising me?” he said. “With what??”

“What do you think he thinks you want?” Yugyeom asked. Jaebum exhaled, frustrated with the question because he couldn’t come up with an immediate answer. He stopped moving—he wasn’t getting anywhere anyways. What would Jackson think he wanted?

“Oh.” He said quickly. “I think I—ok, I’m going.” He hung up before Yugyeom could say anything and bolted, hoping _, praying_ , he was right. He heart was at it’s limit.

\--

“He started freaking out in the middle of the aisle, like seriously freaking out. We kept asking him for contact information but he wouldn’t say anything. I don’t think he knows Korean.” The supermarket manager lead Jaebum towards the back of the store, walking briskly. “He might even have head trauma. I was going to call an ambulance.”

“No, he just has anxiety.” Jaebum breathed, wishing she would stop talking and lead him to Jackson more quickly, although she was striding along at a fast pace, nothing was fast enough. They turned the corner and she pushed the back door open, and there was Jackson, with a bewildered, wide-eyed expression, nearly comical if not for the complete terror that gleamed in them. “Jackson.” His voice was shaky from exhaustion and adrenaline, but he’d never been more relieved.

Jackson’s head snapped up and his expression was momentarily confused, and the idea that he wouldn’t be recognized flashed through Jaebum’s frantic mind, but then Jackson focused, standing and pulling Jaebum against him despite the cold that soaked Jaebum’s bones. “I’ll give you a moment.” The manager sounded confused but relieved she had someone to hand Jackson off to, and Jaebum couldn’t care less. The adrenaline that coursed through his veins had him shaking all over in a way the cold couldn’t compare to—he loved Jackson incomprehensibly, it was bizarre to think about, and impossible to fathom. He could only experience it in short, trembling spurts, in moments like these where holding Jackson was the absolute only thing he could imagine doing, on and on forever.

“Jaebum.” Jackson said softly by his ear. “I-I was trying to get you a chicken like the one I ate.”

Jaebum couldn’t trust himself to speak or even look at Jackson, he clung to him desperately, willing his heartbeat to slow, revisiting every agonizing moment he hadn’t known if he was ok.

“I’m sorry.” Jackson said, and Jaebum shook his head back and forth. _No, no, no._

Jackson pulled away a little, just enough to look at Jaebum, who chose to stare at Jackson’s chest, his eyes filling incomprehensibly with tears. Fuck. Uncontrollable emotion was such a bitch. Jackson stared at him, he could feel those bright almond eyes gazing into his, and refused to look.

“Jaebum.” Jackson said, his voice a revelation. “We’re not on a date.” He smelt like a fruit cocktail—he’d just taken a bubble bath, Jaebum couldn’t stop holding him, around the waist, his shoulders, brushing back his hair, he actually couldn’t stop himself. He was going to implode. Love was like fire.

“I know.” He said.

Jackson hesitated, he breathed in for a beat, then spoke. “We’re not on a date, but I want to kiss you.”

Jaebum lifted his eyes to Jackson’s because, he was joking right? He wanted to ask if he was joking, was he joking? “Can I?” Jackson asked, his eyebrows quirking as if to say, _this is how it’s done_ , and Jaebum would have smirked if his facial muscles could work, but all he could do was nod like a cartoon bunny.

Jackson stepped towards him and the look on his face as he closed his eyes was something Jaebum wanted to make sure he would never forget. Jackson’s mouth tasted nothing like pizza this time, he tasted like warm honey and sex and Jaebum hoped to God he felt _the spark,_ because, personally, his whole body was electric. It was better this time, it was better than better, now, that he could feel the hard pane of Jackson’s body against him, firm and fully receptive, lips surprisingly pliant. He hesitated for a second, thinking about what boundaries he should adhere to. But it was Jackson that parted his lips in inquiry, and Jaebum breathed his answer against Jackson’s tongue, his whole body vibrating in reaction to the sound Jackson made in the back of his throat, and the way he exhaled quickly, his head angling just so.

Jaebum wasn’t the best at reading body language, but he knew that meant _more._

He reached up to grip the back of Jackson’s head, running his fingers through his hair. Without exaggeration, if he could carry on kissing Jackson forever, he would have.

“Jaebum.” Jackson said suddenly, breaking the kiss. Jaebum searched his expression, unable to place it, before realizing it was arousal, red-lipped, flushed, tousled arousal.  “Jackson.” He replied, finding himself suddenly shy and tongue-tied. “I felt it here.” Jackson said the words with excitement, pointing to his stomach. “ _The spark_.”

Jaebum squeezed his eyes shut, so blindingly happy his head spun. Jackson looked at him, before breaking into a delighted grin. “Let’s go home, quick.” He said, and Jaebum nodded rapidly in response.

“ _Okay_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OML, I'm so so tired, and it's so late/early?? I wrote and re-wrote and wrote again till I was satisfied, and I hope it's not crap. Thank you for reading as always and good NIGHT (morning?) I dunno.  
> -Collapses- 
> 
> Leave me lots of comments! First real kiss!!


	21. Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum gets sick and Jackson tries to take care of him.

 “101.8.” Taecyeon frowned, pulling his thermometer lightly from Jaebum’s mouth. “That’s a major cause of concern.”

Jaebum lolled his head back against the couch, wanting to quip that he knew it was a _major cause of concern_ , you didn’t have to be a doctor to know that, but his throat was far too sore to retort, his head a throbbing mess. “Why did you think running up and down in a thunder storm and then not immediately drying yourself off was a bad idea?” Taecyeon chided, as Jackson emerged from the kitchen, a cup of green tea carefully balanced in his hands. He looked completely distraught, as if he thought Jaebum might collapse and die at any moment, which to be fair, was how Jaebum had felt.

“I’m fine.” Jaebum croaked, covering his face, and Taecyeon shook his head, in full-on doctor mode.

“I’m going to go get you some medicine, none of the name-brand watered down stuff—proper medicine. Jackson,” he turned to Jackson, who had set the teacup down fussily, switching to English mode. “Make sure he’s always drinking liquids, okay? Every hour, a glass of water, tea, or orange juice, don’t let him refuse you. Nothing else until we get this fever down. You have to make sure his room is clean and airy, sheets always washed, and make sure he changes and showers frequently—he needs to sweat this out.” He pulled his jacket on as he spoke, patting Jackson lightly on the shoulder.

“I’ll be back in a couple hours, you got this, right?”

Jackson nodded mutely, clinging to each piece of information Taecyeon had told him. “And try to avoid snuggling.” Taecyeon said with a quirk of his brow. “You don’t want to catch what he has. Jaebum, if your fever isn’t down in 24 hours, your coming to the hospital.”

“Mhn…” Jaebum protested pathetically, his head throbbing.

“Mhm.” Taecyeon nodded, smiling warmly. “Ok, I’m off.”

“Thanks.” Jackson said, walking Taecyeon to the door. “I’m really happy Jaebum has friends like you.”

“Yeah, you can’t help but love him.” Taecyeon smiled. “Anyways, I owe him one.”

“Really?” Jackson blinked. What could someone as put together and adult as Taecyeon owe Jaebum?

Taecyeon nodded. “He’s a secret kind guy—well, you probably already know that. Anyways, I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Okay.” Jackson nodded, waving shortly, before rushing back to Jaebum, who was huddled on the couch. “Drink it.” He urged gently, handing Jaebum the cup of tea. “The box says it’s organic, extra good for you.” Jaebum groaned but obeyed, while Jackson ran around fluffing his pillows and getting a fresh set of clothes for Jaebum to change into. When Jackson was satisfied he had drunk enough of the tea, he ushered him to the bedroom and helped him change, getting him into bed.

Jaebum mumbled and groaned, but after a few minutes of Jackson sitting quietly by him, he fell into a fitful sleep. Jackson fiddled with his watch—Jaebum had bought it for him when they had gone to the mall. He had never owned a watch before, especially one like this, digital and chunky, and he loved it a lot, reading the little folded manual that came with it cover to cover (it had luckily been in English as well as Korean). He set it to go off every hour to remind himself to get Jaebum something to drink, and resisted the urge to get into the bed and cuddle with him, instead picking up the pile of clothes on the floor and trudging to the little laundry room.

There were a whole lot of buttons on the machine and he was afraid to mess anything up, but after a few minutes of staring, he felt he could do it. He put Jaebum’s clothes into the machine, pressed a few buttons and hoped for the best, pleased with himself.

Jackson leaned against the washing machine and let himself think about the kiss with Jaebum. Butterflies spread round in his stomach the more he thought about it—never had he imagined that a kiss could be like that. It wasn’t like Jaebum had done anything special, but it literally sent shocks through Jackson’s body, even in memory it was just warmth and excitement that made him want to stomp his feet and grin and do it again. The feeling of Jaebum’s hands against his neck and back ‘ _mhhm_ ’ he lolled his head backwards and wrapped his arms around himself, wishing Jaebum hadn’t gotten sick so he could be kissing him now.

As he thought about the kiss, he felt himself beginning to tighten in his pants, frustratingly. Jackson wasn’t as naïve as some might think—he knew about and how to masturbate; he had been a young teenager. It just wasn’t something he didn’t do often, and was good at getting rid of those ‘urges’. He noticed Jaebum got hard in the mornings a lot of the time, though he sometimes tried to hide the tent in his pants. Jackson wondered if he was going to keep hiding it now. Was anything going to change?

\--

Jaebum dozed in and out of a fitful sleep, and Jackson was at his side almost constantly with water, juice, and tea, taking his temperature and watching it slowly drop. Taecyeon came back after a while and instructed Jackson on how to administer Jaebum’s medication to him—there was also a fair amount of exclamation in the laundry room, all in English. He wondered what Jackson had done. It was probably something adorable.

Jackson walked in looking like a guilty puppy, quietly giving Jaebum his medicine and helping him change out of his once again damp clothes. “What did you do?” Jaebum croaked, his eyes half-closed, as Jackson rustled around with a new shirt.

“Uhm…” Jackson stalled, wide-eyed. “I-I…well…your clothes are all the same color now…but you only really had black and white anyways! A-and it was only a few clothes.” Jaebum chuckled, despite the throbbing headache. “It’s ok.” He said. “Add it to the list.”

There was an ever-growing list of things Jaebum needed to teach Jackson; how to google things, how to know when meat was fully cooked, texting—what was one more? It was ridiculous that this ‘facility’ that had been supposedly been trying tirelessly to develop a ‘superhuman’ hadn’t thought to teach Jackson the basics of a computer. “99.2.” Jackson read, nodding. “Almost back to normal.”

“M’hungry.” Jaebum whined, pressing his face into Jackson’s shoulder.

Jackson sat beside him and wrapped his arms around Jaebum, brushing his hair back. “Not until your temperature is back to normal.” He urged. Jaebum sat up. “I can keep it down.” He swore, but his pallid expression did nothing to support his argument. “I’ll read to you to take your mind of it.” Jackson said cheerily, pulling out _A Brave New World_. “Can I tell you one of my favourite lines?”

Jaebum nodded, and Jackson quoted without opening the book. “Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.”

“That seems like a sad quote.” Jaebum said quietly, as Jackson adjusted his little duck compress on his forehead. “I like it.” Jackson mused. “It’s true that the fight for victory often overshadows the idea of a quiet happiness, the quest for happiness is what all the movies are about, not the actual achievement of it. But I like the idea of a quiet happiness, just sitting and being content in a little house on the hills overlooking a small town with someone I care about.”

Jaebum looked up at Jackson, noting his passion and intelligence and felt himself slowly falling for this boy with his dreams of a little house on the hills. It contrasted sharply with the ideals of anyone he had been with before—not that they were together, were they together?  “I like it.” He mused.

“Guess what?” Jackson said suddenly. “I was thinking about our kiss from yesterday.”

Jaebum grinned weakly. “Yeah? What were you thinking about it?”

“Just…the whole thing.” Jackson said. “It was good…I want to do it again.”

“Trust me, you’re not alone.” Jaebum said wistfully, willing his body to regain wellness.

“While I was thinking about it though—I kind of got hard.” Jackson said carefully, looking at Jaebum with what could be perceived as a shy expression, but Jaebum knew better than. “Don’t try to tempt me.” He exhaled, meeting Jackson’s eyes daringly.

“I _wasn’t_.” Jackson said innocently. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“Well…since we’re confessing things…” Jaebum mumbled in embarrassment. “I mean…you’ve got me…like _that_ , too before.”

“I know.” Jackson said cockily, his eyes gleaming. “And I’ll do it again too.” He added, squinting as if it were a threat. “But you have to get better first.”

“You really should be a doctor.” Jaebum laughed. “You’d have patients lining up out the door.”

Jackson beamed.


	22. Fleeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wants to see snow, Jaebum wants to see Jackson.

“I’ve never really had clothes in this specific shade of grey.” Jaebum said tactfully, inspecting what had previously been a white t-shirt and black jeans. Jackson wrung his hands, brushing his hair back nervously. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled, reaching up to tug at his earring absent-mindedly.

“Don’t—hey wait a second.” Jaebum moved Jackson’s hand, inspecting his tiny silver knobs. “Your ears actually look really healed. Does it hurt at all?”

Jackson shook his head. “Not really. It only hurt on the first day.”

“There’s no way they could have healed so quickly, you just got them.” Jaebum said ruefully. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to take you back to the piercer and see what they say.”

“I heal really fast.” Jackson pointed out, walking away from the scene of the crime in hopes Jaebum would forget what he had done there.

“Really quickly.” Jaebum corrected gently. “Anyways, it’s ok. I’ll show you how to sort white’s and colors later. You did a good job on your own.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” Jackson beamed, stopping and turning quite suddenly, only to have Jaebum bounce into him. “I’m feeling _much_ better.” Jaebum smirked, looking down at Jackson slyly.

“You want me to kiss you, huh.” Jackson asked plainly, his expression teasing. “That’s kind of a hassle, isn’t it?”

“Is that what you think?” Jaebum asked, stepping closer, and Jackson’s bravado faltered, his face slipping into an adorable, meek expression. “I mean if you think we should.”

Jaebum’s eyes trained on Jackson’s lips, watching him as he talked and smiled and nervously stalled. His lips were ridiculously pink, and always smiling or forming a little straight line. He leaned forward and waited for Jackson to tilt his chin upwards. “Are you sure you’re better?”

“Absolutely, 100%.” Jaebum urged, as Jackson touched his forehead.

“It’s only been 3 days…”

“Jackson--”

Jackson pressed his lips to Jaebum’s, still smiling and Jaebum felt his whole body light aflame. Kissing Jackson was like turning the light off and getting into bed, that warm, languid, relaxing feeling he couldn’t get enough of—but at the same time it filled him up with an excitement he couldn’t describe. The sounds he made, how receptive he was, he didn’t make it seem like a chore, or that he had an ulterior moment. The rapid beating of his heart was all Jaebum needed to feel against himself.

“You have a lot of work to catch up on.” Jackson said finally, pulling away reluctantly.

“Oh no, Jinyoung’s got to you.” Jaebum groaned, grinning.

“If you do really well, we can kiss some more.” Jackson said brightly. Jaebum wiggled his brows, before nodding determinedly. “I’ll work hard.” He said.

\--

“Do you know how long you’ll be here.” Yugyeom asked, wiping his sabre down. “Everyone wants you on the team y’know.”

“I talked to my brother last night.” Jackson said. “Things are really wild back at home—so maybe not for another month.” It had been a week since he and Jaebum had first kissed, and he still hadn’t told Mark about it, and wasn’t sure why. They hadn’t told anyone about it, Jackson taking cues from Jaebum about what and what not to say. It wasn’t on purpose, Jaebum said. It was just because it might be temporary.

_Temporary._

Hearing that hurt, even though Jackson knew it was his fault. More and more he wanted to stay by Jaebum’s side, imaging life without him was becoming painful. Even though it hadn’t been all that long, the facility was a blur now, a blur of white and all the same things and loneliness and tests and never talking and never really smiling. He didn’t want to go back, but he wanted to be with Bambam and his dad.

Bambam was doing better, but his dad was still in poor health, and according to Mark, both of them needed to be better in time for mating season—Bambam’s first season. Dr. Jinyoung had asked to speak with Jackson on more than one occasion, but Mark had been able to avoid his questions. But Jackson knew he couldn’t avoid things much longer, he would have to speak with him. It made him angry and confused, thinking about it. Why did he have to go back? Why did he belong to them? Why couldn’t he belong to only himself like everyone else? He hated making the differentiation, but he wasn’t a wolf like Bambam and Luo, he was a human.

He looked it anyways.

“I wish you could stay here.” Yugyeom said sadly, and Jackson smiled encouragingly.

“Hey, but at least you might be able to see the snow.” Yugyeom added optimistically. “Oooh.” Jackson’s eyes brightened. He’d never seen snow before, that sounded exciting.

\--

“You didn’t forget about this trip, did you?” Taecyeon sounded both disappointed and amused, a skill he had mastered during his residency and always managed to make Jaebum feel remorseful.

“I didn’t.” he said carefully. He totally had, even though the trip to Taecyeon’s cabin in the mountains was annual, and he’d been reminded half a dozen times already.

“Jackson can come.” Taecyeon said, sounding more amused than anything else now. “Significant others are allowed.”

Jaebum didn’t say anything, because he couldn’t hide anything from Taecyeon and opening his mouth would only give things away more. Taecyeon laughed. “So you _are_ together.”

“Not…we’re not…”

“You don’t have a title I guess, right?”

“Well—”

“It’s kind of hard to have a title when you found him in the woods and he’s half-wolf and might leave at any moment. I get it.” Taecyeon mused logically, as Jaebum fought for words. “Anyways, I’m sure he’d love to join. It’s supposed to snow; we might be able to go skiing or hiking.”

Jaebum gave in after a moment of panicked silence, his heart beat slowing, even though he’d known there was no need to worry with Taecyeon. “Thanks.” He muttered, releasing the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. No jokes about ‘knowing all along’ no gloating, because as much as he ha tried to fight it because he knew half a dozen reason why being with Jackson was a bad idea, it made him so happy there were a lot of things he was willing to give up for him.

“Saturday morning, bright and early. Let Jackson know.” Taecyeon said briskly. “And Jaebum?”

“Hm?”

“Called it.”

 _There_ it was.

\--

“This one.” Jackson said, pointing to the first jacket he saw.

“Why?” Jaebum asked, looking it over.

“Well.” Jackson said, pulling the jacket off its hanger and slipping it on, watching Jaebum’s face split into a smile. “It’s puffy.” He said, patting at the down. “So it makes me look bigger. And I like the color. It reminds me a pillow; you know the ones with feathers?”

“Mh...you look really cute in it, but it’s probably not warm enough.” Jaebum pointed out, reaching for a proper coat with a thick fluffy hood. “Here.” He said, after reading the tag carefully, wanting to make sure he wasn’t handing Jackson anything that had any animal products—something he was surprisingly, well probably not surprisingly, sensitive about.

Jackson slipped it on and zipped it up, his face poking through the hood, his hair disheveled as it framed his face. Jaebum exaggeratedly clutched at his heart and Jackson grinned. “Am I cute?” Jackson asked cockily, striking a pose.

“You’re so cute.” Jaebum shook his head, resisting the urge to kiss Jackson right there and then, but Jackson had the complete opposite idea in mind, stepping forward and kissing him boldly right in the middle of the aisle, the hood of his jacket tickling Jaebum's cheeks. Jaebum smiled into the kiss, wrapping both arms around Jackson's coat-clad body, savoring the feeling of his soft lips as they stood there, making out in the corner of the store, Jackson's lips sweet and eager. 

Eventually they parted, red in the cheeks, and Jaebum glanced around quickly, but no one seemed to be paying any attention to them. “How do you like your new earrings?” he asked, lightly tapping the twin triangles that hung from Jackson’s ears.

“They’re much cooler than the other ones.” Jackson said. “Which is ideal for me.”

“I can’t believe you healed that quickly.” Jaebum said, watching Jackson puff his chest cockily.

“I told you I heal fast.” Jackson said, before gasping as he spotted what looked like a pair of kids gloves with little foxes on them.

“You probably need real gloves…it’s going to be cold.” Jaebum cautioned.

“I’m ok with freezing.” Jackson said quickly, pulling the gloves on. “Wow!”

Jaebum watched him and loved him, in his movements, his expressions, his smile. His joy and unabashedness was refining themselves more and more each day, his maturity growing. But his love for small and fluffy things, wide smile and big hugs, all the things that made Jaebum’s heart melt, they never changed.

“I’m so excited!” Jackson squealed. “I wanted to see snow before…” his face fell quite suddenly, because he wore his heart on his sleeve, every emotion. Jaebum wanted to tell Jackson that he wasn’t going to let him go—he didn’t want to let him go, to Mark maybe, but certainly not back to what was essentially a prison. It wasn’t practical to think this way, after all, he’d known Jackson for less than two months, but he couldn’t help himself. Feeling like this was crippling and exhilarating. He wanted to gather Jackson up in his arms and just hold him.

“It’ll be a lot of fun.” He said quickly, helping Jackson out of the coat.

“Jaebum.” Jackson said, his hands still in the little fox gloves as he gestured. “Can we kiss in front of your friends?” his expression was timid.

Jaebum smirked, his eyes narrowing. “I don’t know how much time we have left together.” He said. “I’m not going to lose any opportunity to kiss you.”

“So then.” Jackson brightened. “Are we boyfriends?”

“Oh, you didn’t realize?” Jaebum asked, cocking his head in feigned shock. “I didn’t know I had to roll out the red carpet for you.”

“ _Okay_.” Jackson pouted, but his eyes danced, and Jaebum’s heart jumped and ached, as he tried to store away the memory of Jackson standing there, warm and friendly, with bright eyes and a wide smile and his smell like strawberries, because moments like these weren’t his to keep. His laugh and his touch, everything that encompassed him, his gentle touch and many expressions, the flit of his brows, they weren’t Jaebum’s. He could only wish.

_To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go...it's the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime._

He wished he didn’t have to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be updating a little less frequently! Life is getting a tad busy. About 9 chapters left (very rough estimate).


	23. The Cabin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang heads to the Cabin for some good times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a minute! I'm sorry, I got VERY immersed in binging Orange is the New Black, haha. I'm back now, and rearing to go.

“You’re not going to start howling at the moon are you?” Jaebum half-smiled, half-seriously asked Jackson as he did one final check over their backpacks, before closing them. “I’m not a _werewolf._ ” Jackson scoffed, jumping at Jaebum and tackling him nearly into the couch. “I’m half wolf.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Jaebum said ruefully, looking Jackson over. Jackson had taken to wearing snapback caps after seeing and falling in love with one at the store. It made him look like an adorable little thug, and Jaebum got the feeling Jackson would probably like a lot of hip-hop music if he could get his hands on it. “Well.” Jackson said, hanging off of Jaebum’s neck. “I mean…I _might._ ”

“I knew it!” Jaebum accused, pulling Jackson flush against him despite his protests. Taecyeon was coming in a few minutes to pick them up and while he had promised Jackson they wouldn’t need to hide their relationship in front of the others, he wasn’t sure how much P.D.A he was comfortable with in the first place, so he was taking the opportunity to hold and kiss Jackson as much as he could for the moment.

They kissed quietly for a while—Jackson never seemed to feel the need to talk, which Jaebum both loved and was fascinated by. It was endlessly satisfying to know Jackson enjoyed kissing him as much as he did, even though he had been searching for an in to doing something more than kiss—how did one really breach something like that? Especially because he wasn’t sure what Jackson even thought of sex, if he wanted to have it, what his sex drive was like. He wasn’t exactly proficient in the art of gay sex himself, anyways. So for now they kissed a lot, _a lot_ , a lot, in the morning when they woke up, on the couch, sometimes when Jaebum was immersed in his work trying to catch up, Jackson would pop in and kiss him (the work often ended up abandoned). The most dangerous was by far kissing in the kitchen, already 3 batches of eggs had burned much to Jackson’s utter dismay, but with reassurance of a new set of eggs and some more kisses, the cycle always started up again, putting them into the same spot all over again.

“He’s here.” Jaebum groaned, pulling away, smiling as Jackson leaned in for more, his brow furrowed, his expression brightening suddenly as he remembered that there might be snow. “Okay, I’m ready.” He said, determinedly pulling on his fox gloves and grabbing up his backpack. “You probably don’t need those ye—” Jaebum trailed off as Jackson bounded for the door, a twinge of nerves suddenly spreading through him at the thought of what was to come.

\--

“There’s no snow!” Jackson cried in sleepy outrage, having fallen asleep against Jaebum for the almost the entire duration of the 2-hour car ride. He peeked out of the window as the car rolled up the hill towards the cabin, inspecting the ground. “It might snow later today.” Taecyeon offered generously, turning a corner, revealing the clearing in thick forest that his cabin stood on. “Or not.” Jinyoung added quickly with a blank expression, glancing back at Jackson to watch his expression crumble, but Jackson only shot him a challenging look. “Who are you, the devil on my shoulder?” He quipped, jutting his chin out.

“Ooh, he has claws.” Taecyeon laughed, parking. “What happened to quiet little Jackson of the past?”

“I have a watch now.” Jackson said proudly, thrusting his wrist into Taecyeon’s peripheral vision.

“Well, that explains everything.” Taecyeon laughed good-naturedly as he parked. “Alright, three bedrooms, so 1 lucky person will get their own room. Do we want to rock-paper-scissors for it?”

Jinyoung wore an overly thoughtful expression as he pulled the trunk open. “Well…Youngjae talks in his sleep pretty loudly. It might be better for the two of us to sleep together.” He said, shrugging offhandedly, earning him a narrow glance from Jaebum.

“Oh. I’m ok with that.” Taecyeon said, Youngjae cheering in the background. “Fair warning, the bed’s aren’t all that big, and I’m kind of a big guy.”

Jinyoung’s smile was lascivious, his eyes flashing. “It’s okay, I’m not.”

“It’s cold!” Jackson declared in satisfaction, whipping out his fox gloves.

“We’re going right inside.” Jaebum said, grabbing Jackson’s gloved hand. “You’re such a dork.”  

“I’m cool! I think you’re confused about how cool I am.” Jackson said haughtily, waving his hand about, as Jaebum pushed open the heavy oak door, revealing a gorgeous, picturesque living area, complete with a grand fireplace and plush, thick blankets laid across the back of the couch. Jackson inhaled appreciatively. “It smells like pine trees.” He noted.

“You smell adorable.” Jaebum couldn’t help cheesing, stealing a kiss from Jackson’s cheek before inspecting the bedrooms. “We should snag the biggest bed.”

“No!” Jackson exclaimed. “Taecyeon should get the biggest bed—for his muscles.”

Jaebum arched a brow, as the other three boys filed into the cabin, voicing appreciation to the cabin’s layout.

“Working fireplace—we’re making s’mores right?” Youngjae asked excitedly.

“Absolutely.” Taecyeon beamed. “So, what happened with that girl you’ve been crushing on? Why didn’t you ask her to come?”

“I did…” Youngjae mumbled, crouching by the fireplace and fiddling around.

“You did?”

“Well—I wanted to! She’s an upper year, it’s way too intimidating!” Youngjae said, standing and dusting his hands off.

“You’re friends with _Jaebum._ ” Jinyoung offered helpfully, earning a shove from Jaebum.  

“What about you anyways?” Youngjae asked, laughing awkwardly, wanting the attention off of himself as soon as possible. “How are you not dating? Your face is perfect!” he gestured wildly towards Taecyeon.

“There’s no way I could have time to date.” Taecyeon unloaded the bags of groceries they had brought along into the fridge and cupboards, Jackson jumping to assist him (forcing Jaebum to tag along as well). “Like…anyone that I dated, would have to be the most persistent and tenacious human being to find any time to spend with me. I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that.”

“ _Ooh_.” Jackson said in quiet excitement to nearly each package that was handed to him before he put it away.

“If someone ever asked me my worst flaw…I would definitely say it’s my persistence.” Jinyoung announced loftily to no one in particular, standing in the middle of the living room.

“I think people would still go for you.” Youngjae said generously, and Taecyeon shrugged good-naturedly.

“This is a really amazing cabin.” Jaebum nodded, looking up to the dim amber ceiling lights. “It’s nicer than my apartment.”

“But does it have eggs.” Jackson defended the apartment he had come to call home. “Because then it’s not as good.”

“You’re so—” Jaebum nearly finished with ‘cute’, almost leaning over to kiss Jackson on the mouth, stopping himself, then hating himself for stopping himself, then wanting to go for it again, then feeling the moment was gone and stopping himself again, all while Jackson carried on talking unconcernedly.

“No, but we do have s’mores. Have you had them before? They’ll change your life.” Taecyeon said, finishing unpacking and grabbing beers out of the cooler.

Jackson nearly mentioned that he wasn’t supposed to have a lot of sugar, but he was very curious about what a s’more was—he knew they had marshmallows which seemed interesting all on their own, and he didn’t want to miss out on them, so he chose not to say anything.

“No, but I guess I’ll try one.” He smiled.

\--

Night had fallen and Jackson was in his favourite place, sitting between Jaebum’s legs with his head against his chest, a s’more in hand. He felt deeply confused because all his life he had only had one favourite food, and now suddenly, these gooey delicious sugar treats were trying to content for the top spot. “This is the best one.” He declared—a declaration he had given to each of the last 10 s’mores he had had. Jaebum reached down to pet Jackson’s growing food baby. “Maybe you should slow down?” he said gently. Jackson had snuggled against him shortly after they had sat, and so far, no one had commented, not even Jinyoung, who was still deeply immersed with getting Taecyeon’s attention, and Youngjae who probably wouldn’t notice anything was going on unless they were to flat out start making out.

Jackson scowled at the idea. “If you can drink beer, I can eat s’mores.” He said, raising his brows.

“That’s…mm…okay.” Jaebum said.

Youngjae was choosing a scary movie to put into the dvd player, mulling between what looked to be a ghost movie and a thriller. “Do we want to be scared or _really_ scared?”

“Really scared.” Jinyoung said, glancing to Taecyeon. “Fair warning, I sometimes jump into people’s arms when I get scared.”

“Jackson has the right idea then.” Taecyeon said, glancing at Jackson and Jaebum, Jinyoung following him with his eyes. “Oh.” He blinked, suddenly noticing just how close they were, the way Jaebum’s hands grazed Jackson’s fingers gently, his cheek pressed flushed against the top of Jackson’s head. “Oh. Wait.” He blinked, cocking his head to the side. “That’s…his cousin, right?”

Taecyeon chuckled discreetly as Jinyoung’s face went through several different emotions all at once before landing promptly on one. “WAIT?! Are you two _dating_? Jaebum are you…WAIT. WAIT???!”

Jaebum looked up, blinking rapidly, as Jinyoung’s expression melted into fury. “It’s no—”

“You got a boyfriend BEFORE ME?” he yelled in outrage, his expression almost comically disgruntled.

“Let’s go with Cabin in the Woods. It fits.” Youngjae said, mostly to himself.

“This. _This_ is the best one so far.” Jackson nodded, staring down at his s’more in satisfaction.

 

 

“Wait.” Taecyeon blinked after a few moments. “Jinyoung, are you gay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason I really liked how this chapter came out. Maybe the tiny break was a good idea. XD


	24. Doubtful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum retreats and Jackson has feelings.

“What do you think?”

“It’s cold!” Jackson extended his gloved hand towards the sprinkle of snow that felt from the milky night sky, watching it catch against the fibres. “It’s beautiful.” He added after a while, more softly. Jaebum smiled, pushing his hand into his pockets. He had always loved the serenity of nature, camping, simply existing in it, had always been his kryptonite. He reached out to grab Jackson’s free hand, watching his eyes shimmer and gleam. Jackson was ever in awe and Jaebum appreciated the world through Jackson’s lens.

“Does it remind you of the little house you wanted to have?” Jaebum asked curiously, remembering Jackson’s dream. Jackson nodded slowly. “I don’t want to leave.” He said it so softly Jaebum almost didn’t catch him, but he did, and it hit him square in the chest. When was it too early to tell someone you loved them, he wondered. He had no idea because he had had the urge to before. Jackson reached up to his dog tag, toying with it absent-mindedly. “Let’s go inside.” He said finally, and Jaebum nodded, shivering—but not from the cold.

\--

“Hurts…” Jackson groaned, rubbing his stomach. He had ended up throwing up twice a few hours after consuming more sugar than his body could handle (Jaebum realized a little too late that Jackson wasn’t supposed to have refined sugars) and was now curled on the bed. “The ibuprofen will kick in soon.” Jaebum soothed, rubbing his back in small circles.

“S’mores, how could you betray me.” Jackson whispered dramatically, and Jaebum grinned. Outside the boys yelped at what was probably a scary scene in the movie, and Jaebum was secretly glad he was with Jackson instead of watching it. “You can watch the movie if you want.” Jackson smiled“I’ll be ok soon.” Jaebum shook his head as Jackson rolled over to look up at him, smiling gently, and the silence stretched comfortably as they searched each other’s expressions.

Jaebum rubbed circles against Jackson’s stomach, his eyes flitting across the sliver of Jackson’s stomach that was exposed. “Hey.” He said suddenly. “I-I..this might be out of the blue but, I mean—“ he had been thinking about it for a while, how to bring up the idea that he wanted to have sex with Jackson, which he did, so badly, or at least do _something_ with him. With most people it would just lead there naturally, but he got the feeling he would have to articulate explicitly what he wanted with Jackson. “Hm?”

“Well, I was just wondering…what do you…think about having sex with me? Is it…I mean…” Jaebum stuttered, before grinning awkwardly and looking away. “Like have you thought about it?”

“Okay.” Jackson said, blank-faced. “Let’s do it now.”

Jaebum’s eyebrows shot up. “I—wait what?”

“What?” Jackson asked.

“This is what I’m getting at.” Jaebum said, flustered. “Like you’re ok with kissing and everything, but you don’t really…get hard, and you never seem to…want to have sex.”

“Well, I don’t really want to, but we should.” Jackson said, shrugging.

Jaebum blinked at him, entirely unsure of how to feel. How are you supposed to feel when your boyfriend casually mentions he doesn’t _want_ to have sex as you struggle every day not to ravish him?

“If you don’t want to then we’re not going to!” Jaebum exclaimed, running a nervous hand through his hair. “Why should we??”

“Because it’s normal. It’s just a thing you do.” Jackson said, sitting up and looking at Jaebum patiently, as if he was explaining something to a kid. “It’s how you procreate.”

Jaebum’s heart dropped, his eyebrows drawing together. When they’d met, Jackson had felt like a child, but over time he had proven himself as an extremely intelligent adult, who understood concepts, like, like that men couldn’t have children. “Obviously not us.” Jackson smiled. “But we still should do it…it’s not a big deal.”

“Don’t you have a…sex drive? Like something that makes you just want to?” Jaebum was suddenly filled with overwhelming doubt. Was Jackson just not attracted to him? It was impossible to ask, because he would just say yes, but what if he didn’t know? What if he wasn’t even attracted to men? Jackson shook his head hesitantly. “Not really. Is it weird?” he frowned, worried.

Jaebum shook his head slowly, trying to numb his buzzing thoughts, anything to help calm Jackson’s expression. “Don’t worry about it.” he said softly, and his voice didn’t crack, so there. “You know; I think I will go watch the rest of the movie after all.” He stood, brushing himself off—there was nothing there. “Come out when you feel better okay?”

Horror movies were nothing compared to the thoughts in his mind.

\--

“Do you hear that?” Jackson stood by the kitchen window, peeking out. “So many birds!”

“Not…really…” Youngjae said, cocking head. “I don’t hear anything, you must have amazing hearing, Jackson.”

“Not as good as Bambam.” Jackson said, stepping back from the window. “But it’s pretty good…” Taecyeon was cooking at the stove and Jackson was drawn the scent. He found that he liked looking at Taecyeon, he liked the way he smiled and how he was always there to make him or Jaebum or anyone, feel better. Sometimes when Taecyeon smiled suddenly at him his heart jumped. “Thanks for the medicine from yesterday.” He said and Taecyeon grinned.

“As long as you feel better. Make sure to drink a lot of liquids.” He said.

Sometimes Jackson found himself comparing Taecyeon and Jaebum, because Taecyeon sometimes gave him a little bit of the feeling Jaebum gave him. They were so different—Taecyeon was always nice and warm and smiling, he always seemed to be thinking about other people. Jaebum got grumpy some of the times, like right now—Jackson glanced at him, Jaebum sitting on the couch with a steely expression, staring into nothing. When he got grumpy Jackson didn’t always know how to make him happy again—sometimes he just had to wait. It made him sad and nervous.

“I think Jaebum’s mad at me.” Jackson blurted suddenly, compulsively, because, well he didn’t know why but he hated it.

Taecyeon looked up to Jaebum, analyzing him quickly. “Nah.” He said. “He’s nervous about something. He’ll probably tell you what it is after he’s thought about it for a while.” He punctured his sentence with a flip of the pancake. “Trust me, you make him really happy Jackson.” He winked and Jackson felt his heart thud again. Sometimes me thought he made Jaebum happy, sometimes he got the feeling he made him the opposite.

Jinyoung was talking to Jaebum about a trip he was supposed to have gone on. Jinyoung spent a lot of time telling Jaebum about things he _should have done_ , but it never seemed to bother Jaebum. Jackson wondered if he should start telling Jaebum about things he needed to do more. “There’s definitely enough out there for a snowball fight.” Youngjae grinned. “We’re doing it, right?”

“What are we, 12? Of _course_ we are.” Taecyeon smiled.

\--

Things continued to be strained for the weekend, despite the fact that Jackson had fun building his first snowman, winning at a snowball fight and generally having fun—and Jaebum smiled and even laughed but he was quieter. It was like a blanket, like wearing earmuffs during a symphony. Jackson was happy when the trip was over. He helped avoid traffic on the way home because the 401 was under construction—he remembered from the tv, and everyone was impressed, but Jaebum didn’t say anything and Jackson pretended not to notice.

“I’ve got to study okay? Try not to disturb me.”  Jaebum said quickly, without eye contact and Jackson nodded, walking towards the coffee table. Mark had sent him a package while he had been way, but he wasn’t excited to open it because he knew what it contained. His pills—the one’s he had always taken, every day for as long as he could remember. Dr. Jinyoung had sent them to Mark, who had in turn, sent them to him. He had never liked them, because although they were supposed to be good for him, they always made him feel foggy, similar to the blanket feeling that Jaebum gave him when he wasn’t smiling.

The pills were supposed to keep him strong and healthy, but he felt healthier than ever. Did he really need them? He opened the package reluctantly and inspected them. 2 small bottles, with even smaller pills. He wasn’t in the mood—in a while he would have to be taking them every day again like before, and judging by how Jaebum was acting, he wanted that day to come quickly. Jackson frowned and shook at that thought from his head. Either way, feeling sad was better than feeling nothing.

There hadn’t been any harm not taking them so far, so what would a few more days do anyways?

 

He decided not taking them would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS going on in this chapter! Tell me all your thoughts, how are you feeling, what do you think's going to happen? Love hearing from everyone and thanks for the support as usual. c:


	25. Turnaround

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson decides he'd like to try sex out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a bit of a shift in the next few chapters, I rewrote a lot of ideas and everything sort of took a turn as I planned how I would wrap up the story. I said there would be a lot of smut but there will be a fair bit less than I initially had thought because the fluffier plot I had doesn’t fit with Jackson’s emotions anymore (yes, I’m that sort of weirdo that feels their characters speaking to them). He’s sort of evolved past what I had planned and I want to stay true to that. There will be smut but less—and more angst—but a happy ending, so don’t be too mad at me!
> 
>  

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be working on your thesis?” Jackson asked, peering Jaebum. “It’s a big part of your grade, right?”

“I did. I am.” Jaebum spared Jackson a glance before refocusing on his mobile. “Aren’t you supposed to be at fencing?”

“Tomorrow. It’s tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No, you keep asking that.”

“You keep…seeming mad.”

“I’m not. What do you want me to say?” Jaebum said, shrugging exaggeratedly. It had been exactly 56 hours since they had returned from the cabin, Jackson knew because each hour had felt like a lifetime.

Jackson shrugged back, furrowing his brows. He didn’t want Jaebum to say anything, he wanted him to smile at him and hug him. He stared through the window, at the trees across the street, and imagined walking, running through them, towards something, he didn’t know what. The apartment was starting to feel small, after the great big vast view from the cabin, greens and bright yellows and the birds.

It felt smaller when Jaebum didn’t even look at him.

He sat with his legs drawn up under him, imagining the sunshine and the freedom. Looking around now, what had just a few days before felt vast, suddenly felt like Harry Potter’s broom closet bedroom. “I’m not mad at you, seriously.” Jaebum said after a while, putting his phone down, and Jackson looked at it vindictively. Jaebum reached towards him and although Jackson wondered why did he only get to hug Jaebum when _he_ wanted to, his heart still jumped at the opportunity. Jaebum smelt intoxicating just being near him and he pulled him closer, watching his guarded expression.

They kissed tentatively, both unsure of what the other was thinking. Jackson’s mind quieted as he fell into the comfort of Jaebum against him, the simultaneously familiar and exciting feeling of his lips, his warmth, his smell. Everything felt bigger when he was close, why couldn’t he just always be warm and happy?

Jaebum started pulling back after a while, but Jackson wasn’t having it. He moved forward, pushing against Jaebum and noting vaguely that he was hard, a common occurrence whenever they were this close. He reached down to palm the bulge in Jaebum’s jeans—radiating heat. It was fascinating how often it happened and how easily. ‘He must be really fertile.’ Jackson mused, and Jaebum was breathing a little harder, his expression bleary. “Jackson.” he breathed. Jackson smiled and kissed him again, willing him to just stop thinking so much. “I’m not mad at you.”

Jackson nodded. “I know…”

“I just love you. I really do. And I don’t…it’s fucking terrifying.” Jaebum’s eyes were closed now, his brows drawn. “It means you control—mhg.” He bucked his hips against Jackson’s hand, and Jackson felt something quite suddenly, different from the pleasant, gentle, buzz he had always felt in his stomach when they did things like this. It was like…hunger, and he was always hungry, but not for _this_. Not hungry for more touching, like what they were doing already wasn’t enough. It had always been enough, cuddling alone had always been enough, he’d never really fathomed wanting more.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” he asked, moving his fingers to the button at his jeans, opening them. “You must feel tight in here when you get hard.”

Jaebum shrugged hesitantly, falling silent, looking down at Jackson’s hands as they continued tugging at his jeans, his ears prickling at the sound of his zipper being undone. He tried counting backwards from 10 in his mind, knowing Jackson was only curious, it meant nothing, and soon he would be nursing a very bad case of blue balls.

Jackson wasn’t saying much, seemingly content with fondling him, almost contemplatively. What could he possibly be pondering so deeply upon while gazing at a penis? “Jackson.” He cleared his throat, offering a tight smile. “It’s going to be hard for me if you keep doing that.”

“Do you still want to have sex?” Jackson looked up at and Jaebum’s eyebrows shot up, his entire body groaning internally. “Not—I don’t want to talk about this again.” He said, shaking his head. The emotions that had been churning around his stomach for the past few days were bubbling underneath his skin, mixing unpleasantly with confusion and arousal.

“Ok let’s not talk about it, let’s just do it.” Jackson nodded, reaching down to undo his own pants, and Jaebum shook his head numbly, though he couldn’t stop staring at Jackson as he did that. What a tease, _Jesus._ “Jackson, it’s only good if we both really want it. You have to be attracted to me.” Okay, the last part was bitter, but he felt a _little_ bitter. Who wouldn’t, giving his situation?

“What? I am attracted to you!” Jackson blinked, staring at Jaebum. “You’re so, manly? And, beautiful? I’m not good at words, can we just have sex?” he sounded petulant, sort of desperate, and he was hard too, nearly harder than Jaebum was. He wouldn’t admit how satisfying it was to see, but he felt himself smile.

Jackson reached forward, his kisses different than before, hard and sweet but hungry, and Jaebum lost count of his numbers. “Last time…” he said, holding Jackson flush against him, feeling his chest rise ad fall—sporadic. “Last time you said you didn’t really want to have sex, remember?”

“Now I want to.” Jackson said. “Changing my mind is okay, right?” he managed cute and sassy all at once.

“…why?” Jaebum was surprised at his own self-control, half of his body wanted nothing more than to ravish Jackson, but his mind still had questions, especially since this had been haunting him ever since Jackson had said it. And now, out of the blue, he wanted to? “I just really want to.” Jackson tugged at Jaebum’s shirt in an effort to get him to take it off. “I want you to like…” he mused. “Fuck me?”

“Fuck.” Jaebum breathed, his dick twitching angrily at him, wondering why it wasn’t already being put to use.

“Yeah!” Jackson brightened, dragging his pants off.

“Jackson…”

Jackson pressed his mouth against Jaebum’s jawline, and he winced in pleasure-pain as teeth grazed against his skin, and his hand was in his boxers, making it so hard to think. “Please?” Jackson asked in between kisses, sending pinpricks all along Jaebum’s skin, before pulling back and looking up at him with those ultra-bright puppy-dog eyes.

 _10,9,8,7, 7_ , _fuckfuck **fuck**_.

He pulled Jackson against him and picked him up off the couch, striding the bedroom, tossing him against the bed. “Jackson, you have to tell me if you want to stop, okay?” his voice was nearly too thick to speak, as resolution slipped like sand through his fingers.

“I don’t.” Jackson shook his head, and Jaebum dug into his bedside table for condom’s and lube.

“Hey, it might…hurt.” He remembered to say. “If you’ve…I dunno, have you had sex before?”

Jackson shook his head. “It’s not going to hurt.” He said assuredly. “Have you had sex before? You seem like you haven’t you’re taking so long…”

“I have!” Jaebum laughed, rolling on the condom before coating his fingers with lube. “Plenty.”

“You’re taking long for someone who has…” Jackson mumbled sassily, before looking up with a grin. Jaebum captured Jackson’s lips against his, moving between his legs. “So much sass, you’re going to regret it.” He whispered, pressing two digits against Jackson’s entrance—it was warm and practically throbbing, and he wanted him so badly.

“I won’t.” Jackson said, licking at Jaebum’s lower lip, pressing against him. “Do it.”

“I’m doing it.” Jaebum smiled, warm all over. They hadn’t even begun and he was having more fun than he had in a long time.

“Jackson, you’re really tight.”

“You might have big fingers.”

“I don’t.”

“True. They’re actually kind of dainty…”

“You shouldn’t insult me while my fingers are in you, you know?” Jaebum said, pressing them in further. Jackson really was tight, but he didn’t seem to be in any pain at all.

“It feels good.” Jackson groaned, raising his hips. “But why’re you doing that?”

“I’m just…making sure it won’t hurt.” Jaebum said, scissoring his fingers carefully, kissing up along Jackson’s neck. He was also trying to calm himself down so he wouldn’t cum the second he pushed into Jackson. Having him here, naked and prone was nearly too much to handle.

“Jaebum, I love you too, you know.” Jackson breathed, raising his hips again. “Almost as much as Mark even.”

“That’s a lot.” Jaebum grinned, his heart thudding happily.

“Yeah.” Jackson beamed. “I might hate you if you don’t have sex with me right now though.”

“Okay, I--”

“Jaebum.”

“Right now?”

“JAEBUM.”


	26. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex and Jaebum thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote smut, and I actually don't hate it. This chapter is probably the most similar to my personal writing style so far.

“You swear it doesn’t hurt?” Jaebum asked, because he really did care, but also because he already was on the brink of cumming, that sharp, shivering sensation shooting up and down his spine and abdomen. He had to get it under control but Jackson, naked and prone on all fours, his muscles taunt as he shifted, back arched fucking perfectly, fuck, there was no way he would last.

“I swear.” Jackson’s voice was hardly a whisper, his eyes closed, lips decidedly abused (Jaebum was proud, _he_ had done that). “Tell me if you need to stop, promise me Jackson.” He urged, focusing on his breathing and not the expression on Jackson’s face. He wasn’t new to anal, he had always preferred it ( _surprise_ ), but Jackson and Jimin weren’t comparable, even trying would taint Jackson’s image. Jaebum had worried, in one of his trillion neuroticisms that maybe he wouldn’t be aroused when it came to going all the way. The idea was laughable now.

“Please.” Jackson mumbled, he sounded so fucking hungry, his voice pleading and low, unlike his usual self. Jaebum pushed forward almost instantly, the urge so strong it surprised him and the sound Jackson made, that surprised gasp for air, watching the way his fingers curled against the bedspread, well, _fuck_. Jaebum’s head was spinning, the warmth and tightness, the way Jackson’s hair was spread messily all across his forehead, he wanted to demolish him, fuck him so hard walking wouldn’t be an option, and all at the same time he wanted to cling to him and never let go—it was very confusing.

Jaebum breathed in deeply, it was nearly too much to handle, gripping lightly at Jackson’s hips and pulling back before thrusting into him, gritting his teeth. Jackson moaned out instantly, before he had time to ask if it was ok, spreading his legs as if to ask for more. Actions like that, Jaebum wouldn’t be able to handle if this would last for any time at all. Slowly at first, he began thrusting into Jackson, trying hard to keep it even with his breathing, almost trying to ignore the delicious warmth of him, the feeling of Jackson tightening around him—sensory overload had never felt so good.

“I...” Jackson closed his eyes, lost for words, Jackson, l _ost for words,_ and Jaebum held him tighter. He was so fucking fond of this messy teenager. His hips snapped forward, faster now, and he tried to think of anything else, but Jackson wasn’t trying to hold back from moaning, breathing, gasping, receptive to every stroke as if Jaebum was some sort of sex god. “Is it really that good?” he heard himself asking, and Jackson nodded, leaning forward, his eyes screwed tight and Jaebum wanted to kiss him, kiss down his spine to the dimples in his back, his neck, his throat, everything. He had never felt more possessive, it was all-consuming.

He pressed deeper, till he was all on, and Jackson let out a sound like “Ahah…” It warmed him to the core because it sounded like the sound a pornstar would make but Jackson wasn’t faking it. “If I go any faster I’ll cum.” He admitted, trying to slow himself down, but the slow, deep strokes weren’t helping either, not with the way Jackson pressed back against him, his hips working like a seasoned pro. What the fuck. He couldn’t stop staring, but he had to look away. “Jackson—”

“Do-don’t stop.” Jackson begged, shaking his head and whispering it over and over like a mantra. “ _Don’tstopdon’tstopdon’t_ —”

Jaebum reached forward until he felt Jackson’s shaft in his hand, hard and receptive. “Urg….Jackson,” he gasped as Jackson leaned forward, driving him in deeper than he had thought he could go, struggling to touch him in firm, long strokes. It was different, better, than touching himself, and he slid his thumb across the clear fluid building at the tip of Jackson’s cock, running his fingers loosely up and down Jackson’s shaft. “Can you…jerk yourself?” he asked and Jackson nodded, reaching down to cover Jaebum’s hand with his own, electricity sparking through Jaebum’s fingertips as their hands touched, like he wasn’t already as close to Jackson as he could be. Jaebum tried to focus on thrusting into Jackson, keeping his strokes even and deep, but he was so jealous of Jackson’s own hand working his dick, distracted by the way it looked, virile and throbbing. He had never wanted something in his mouth that badly.

He flipped Jackson without warning, unto his back because he wanted to see him and kiss him, he missed him even while he was inside of him. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jackson’s, who tasted like hard candy and orgasms, breathing moans and pants against his tongue and he fucked into him. It felt like an eternity—it very most likely wasn’t.

“Jackson I really love you.” He confessed blearily. Why did people always feel the need to say that while they fucked? Something about the endorphins screaming through his body, something about the way Jackson moaned like no one was listening, that breathy, low _ahah_ , like he had a revelation every time he was fucked into. “Jackson, I have to cum.” Jaebum warned, and Jackson threw his head back—reaching forward with his free hand to grip Jaebum’s waist, pulling him closer. “I--“ he managed, it was all he had said the entire time. Jaebum felt himself slipping, his strokes becoming deeper, faster, sloppier, that tingling sensation building blindly in his stomach, and Jackson gasped a different sort of gasp, Jaebum looking down just in time to watch Jackson spill all over himself and then he really had to cum, that sort of blinding delicious cum you know is going to be good before it even happens, where even holding himself up was difficult, his hair sweat-slicked against his forehead. He gasped into Jackson’s mouth, pulling back because he couldn’t breathe or think or exist in that moment, as Jackson tightened around him relentlessly, the aftermaths of his own orgasm still coursing through his body.

It was forever before he stopped, and Jaebum practically collapsed against Jackson, who had only just opened his eyes. He felt his chest rising and falling heavily, felt Jackson’s chest doing the same. They’d done it, they really had. With a million questions floating in the air, none of them resolved, it had happened. Jaebum blinked as he regained functioning thoughts, immediately wishing them to take their leave again, and looked up at Jackson, who’s fingers stroked his hair absent-mindedly, his eyes wide towards the ceiling.

“Was it…did you like it?” Jaebum asked ruefully, suddenly self-conscious of his ‘performance’, and Jackson nodded slowly, very slowly like he was processing his thoughts, before shaking his head in disbelief. “What…I thought…” he started saying, before squeezing his eyes shut and opening them again. “I didn’t think it would be like that.” He said, finally looking to Jaebum.

“How was it?” Jaebum asked. “How did you think it would be?”

“It was…” Jackson grasped for words as they flew all round in front of him. He inched forward and found Jaebum’s lips with his own, and Jaebum kissed him anxiously, searching for answers. “I’ve never felt anything like that before.” Jackson said carefully, pulling back. “In my whole entire life.”

“You haven’t lived all that long.” Jaebum grinned teasingly, but Jackson only continued to shake his head in disbelief. “I thought the world was drier.” He explained.

“Drier?” Jaebum asked, sitting up slowly, finally regaining control of his body.

Jackson nodded, doing the same, his brow furrowed. “I thought it was…drier. And I thought it was okay. If I knew it was like…” he suddenly looked angry, a flash, and then it was gone. “Why…I’ve never gotten to do anything; I was just in a box.”

“Jackson.” Jaebum blinked, not really having anything to say. He felt like an asshole for ignoring Jackson when he was supposed to have been talking through his feelings. He felt like an asshole for being an asshole, because at his core, he was. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to change that, but Jackson was the closest someone had ever come to making him want to try. He understood what it felt like to be in a box, for some reason, he really did understand.

“Jackson, they tried to put you in a box but trust me, you have the freest mind I’ve ever encountered.” He said, half-smiling as he reached forward to toy with Jackson’s dog tag, all the while wondering what Jackson thought and felt and if he really did, or could, love him. “You’re more open-minded than most people who grew up being able to do whatever they wanted. Whatever they wanted, and they choose to do _nothing_.”

Jackson’s expression was unreadable; Jaebum wondered what it might be like to fall in love with a wave; as a child he would always try to catch them, to hold them.

Jackson smiled suddenly, his entire face lighting up and he reached forward, wrapping both arms around Jaebum. “Let’s do it again?” he grinned and Jaebum’s heart fluttered and jumped as he slipped further into the abyss that was Jackson Wang.

They would rush to the shore then away, quickly, slowly, at whatever the pace they felt like, and he had never been able to hold them. They were waves. He knew what loving one would be like.

_Disastrous._


	27. Break Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wondered how he could love being free and want to be free at the same time. Sometimes Jaebum didn’t make any sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO. It's been a while, I'm sorry! My best friend came for weekend and took all my time! I will try to update really frequently to make up for it! Thanks for all the support everyone, surpassing 400 kudos, ME?!?!? WHY. It really means a lot!

“Jaebum.”

“…” Jaebum felt himself trying to open his eyes, almost getting it, before failing miserably. His eyelids were so heavy even his lashes were a burden. “He’s...an animal…” he mumbled, shaking his head slowly against the cold plastic of his desk. “We’re still in class.” Jinyoung’s gaze was trained on their professor, his fingers flying across his laptop’s keyboard, his eyes flitting to the Jaebum every few seconds as he wrote.

Jaebum dragged his hood over his head, squeezing his eyes more tightly shut against the light. He hadn’t kept count, but he was fairly sure he and Jackson had had more sex in the last two days than he’d had in the last year. He wasn’t complaining, it had been incredible in more ways than he could describe—even in his sleep-deprived mind, flashes of Jackson on his hands and knees, on his back, on top—replayed over and over in his mind. Jackson had no semblance of modesty, he was loud, needy, and never, ever, _ever_ seemed to be satisfied—even seconds after sex.

“I’m not giving you notes for this.” Jinyoung seemed to be trying to convince himself with his statement, his brow furrowed, and Jaebum was too exhausted to even lift his head and grin cheekily because obviously, _yes Jinyoung would_.

It wasn’t until class was over that he finally willed himself awake, dragging his bag off the desk, half-hearing Jinyoung scold him, all animated eyebrows and resigned smiles, before taking off to one of the few classes they didn’t actually share. If he had been fully functioning he would’ve noticed Jimin striding towards him in the hall, but he absolutely wasn’t. Her appearance was a surprise that jolted him unpleasantly to life.

“Jimin.” He said, his expression neutral, his eyes meeting hers briefly. He felt his stomach lurch, and he managed a quick tight-lipped smile before attempting to maneuver past her.

“We need to talk.” The familiar demand, curt, and never a question, and Jaebum shook his head, bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck. “There’s nothing to talk about.” He said. “I’m not—I’ve moved on, okay?” Jaebum offered the smile one more, hoping it would be enough, that he could just _go_ , and it would be over. The hallway was suddenly empty.

“I know. I’ve heard all about your boyfriend.” Jimin spat the word like poison, and Jaebum stopped trying to smile, his temper flaring suddenly just below the surface of his skin. “Well then.” He shrugged. “There’s your answer.”

“What are you trying to play with this? You’re not _gay_ , you know.”

‘ _You don’t know me_.’ Jaebum retorted mentally, because it wasn’t worth it to say anything out loud.

“I have to go.” He nodded, walking past her.

“So what? You don’t believe in your dreams or try whatsoever, is this an attempt at reinventing yourself? I hope being gay gives you some ambition. And besides, just because you found someone who clings to you and follows you around without putting up a fight, doesn’t mean _anything_. It doesn’t mean you’re worth it.” Jimin’s voice rang through the hallway, escalating until she was yelling, her shrill echo bouncing off of the walls and ceiling. She had always been loud, always known how to hit him where it hurt, until he was weak and vulnerable and desperate for her to build him back up again. It was with a quiet sense of satisfaction that he realized that hold had slipped from him as gently as it had come—he had no urge to run towards abusive words and self-doubt.

Unfortunately, Jimin’s words stayed with him far longer than he would’ve liked. He wondered what ‘it’ was, the ‘it’ that she had referred to. He wondered if ‘it’ was love.

\--

Jackson stared at the laptop screen with a fully blank expression, as Mark repeated the question “Wait, Jackson, are you taking your pills?”

“I’m…” Jackson trailed off. He didn’t want to lie to Mark, although he was beginning to learn that sometimes lying got you out of things you didn’t want to do, and he really didn’t want Mark to know he hadn’t been taking them.

“Jackson, you _need_ to.”

“I know…” Jackson said, playing with a loose thread on the couch. “They just make me feel foggy sometimes…”

“You have to take them, they’re stabilizers.” Mark stressed.

“I feel fine.” Jackson mumbled.

“Jackson—” Mark started, frowning.

“I will.” Jackson said. “I promise I will.”

“Go get them right now and take them.” Mark said, pulling himself up to his full height and looking at Jackson in the eye the best he could through a webcam.

“I have something to tell you.” Jackson blurted, because he didn’t want to get the pills, and because not telling Mark was making him anxious. “You won’t be mad right?”

“No promises.” Mark half-smiled.

“Would you be mad if I said I kissed Jaebum?”

Mark’s eyebrows shot up, and he quickly said, “What kind of kiss?”

“Tongue kind of kiss.” Jackson said, watching Mark’s mouth fall open, his expression shifting rapidly between total surprise, shock, confusion, before he began nodding slowly.

“So…you, like each other?” Mark asked, and Jackson nodded excitedly. He could see his brother was masking his emotions, but he smiled when Jackson grinned.

“I…I’ll…admit I didn’t really see this coming.” Mark said after a while of just sitting quietly (which wasn’t all that strange for Mark in the first place).

“You really like him?” He asked, finally eating the chip he had been holding for the full duration of his silent thought process, and Jackson exhaled. Eating was good.

“I really like him.” He assured, nodding and looking at Mark imploringly.

“I think I’ll need a minute to process this.” Mark laughed quietly. “This is like your first…a lot of firsts for you.” He was looking at Jackson in a way that made Jackson’s face heat up—he knew the ‘first’ Mark was referring to and nodded quickly to let Mark know that yes, he’d done _that_ too.

Mark bit his lower lip, his brow furrowed. “So you—”

“I know it’s not forever.” Jackson said, smiling weakly. “But it still makes me happy.”

“I’m home.” Jaebum called in a monotone, pushing the door open.

“I should go.” Mark said, blinking tiredly. “I have to be up early to take dad for his checkup…”

“Mark, you’re not mad at me, right?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

“Jackson, I could never be mad at you. I just…want to make sure you’re 100% okay.” Mark stifled a yawn as Jaebum entered the living room and offered a small wave.

“Don’t think because I’m across the ocean I won’t come for you.” Mark said in English, and Jaebum blinked, lost.

“Love you bro.” Mark smiled warmly at Jackson, who grinned back at him, relieved.

“Love you more!” he said quickly, before Mark was gone, leaving nothing but the little prompt asking him to rate the call—5 stars always for Mark.

“What did he say?” Jaebum asked, exhausted. He wasn’t sure if Mark had speaking another language or if he was too tired to understand him.

“I told him we’re seeing each other.” Jackson said, clambering over the couch to hug Jaebum, who practically collapsed against him, his eyes half-closed. “You’re heavy!” Jackson exclaimed. Jaebum wasn’t heavy at all, he could probably pick him up easily if he wanted, but Jaebum liked to hear he was heavy.

“Come to bed with me.” Jaebum mumbled against Jackson’s shoulder, before quickly clarifying. “Come nap with me.”

“I’m not sleepy.” Jackson offered, nuzzling Jaebum and sniffing at him while he was near.

“If I don’t sleep, I’ll die.” Jaebum said seriously, trying to steady himself into a standing position. Jackson grinned, only looking a little apologetic, and walked with Jaebum to the bedroom, clutching his hand because he’d missed him so much, snuggling in bed with him sounded like a fantastic idea.

“Jackson.” Jaebum said, stumbling towards his closet to change into sleep clothes—he was very firm about not sleeping in his ‘outside’ clothes as he called them, which Jackson didn’t quite understand but he liked how Jaebum looked in his loose t-shirts and pajama pants anyways.

“Mh?” he said, pretending to struggle as Jaebum dragged him unto the bed, but then he was tickled, which was _cheating_ , but it always worked.

“Jackson.” Jaebum mumbled again, nearly asleep as he lay there, his fingers still pressed against Jackson’s ribcage as he held him. Jackson said nothing, shuffling closer to Jaebum and wrapping his arm around his own waist, intertwining their fingers after carefully removing the rings Jaebum had forgotten to take off. He could feel Jaebum’s breathing slow and relax, and he waited for him to fall fully asleep so he could turn around and inhale him deeply and never forget the smell.

“I don’t think I’m okay with letting you go.” Jaebum said, and Jackson inhaled sharply, a pain he hadn’t previously felt tearing through him. He grabbed Jaebum’s hand and forced himself closer. He wasn’t okay with leaving, but he could never say that. He didn’t belong to Jaebum, no matter how much he wanted to.

He turned to face Jaebum and pressed his face against his neck, memorizing the way his arms felt, the way he smelt and smiled and the two little dots above his closed eyes. “If it hadn’t been me, would you have loved them?” Jaebum asked, the second time Jackson had thought he’d fallen asleep. He didn’t understand the question.

“What?” he asked.

“If it wasn’t me…if it hadn’t been me. Would you have loved them?” Jaebum repeated, more softly this time.

“Who?” Jackson asked.

“Them. Whoever.” Jaebum sounded sad.

Jackson didn’t know what the question meant. Love _whoever_? Who was whoever?

“Maybe you just love being free. Maybe you just want to be free.”

Jackson kissed Jaebum reassuringly, unsure of what else to do, until finally Jaebum fell asleep, his lips just slightly parted.

Jackson wondered how he could love being free and _want_ to be free at the same time. Sometimes Jaebum didn’t make any sense.

Yet a part of him agreed.


	28. His Bite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  The next few chapters are going to be so angsty I’m afraid to even write them, haha. But I've got to! So let’s press on!

 

 

 “Jackson, believe me, showers are so much faster.” Jaebum said, squatting by the tub as Jackson hummed to himself, leaning his head against the edge of the tub with a little duck washcloth against his forehead. “No thanks.” Jackson said, shaking his head rapidly. “I don’t want to.”

“Are you scared of showering?” Jaebum asked, brushing back Jackson’s damp hair. “Your roots are growing in.”

“I like it.” Jackson said, reaching over the edge of the tub to kiss Jaebum, his lips soft, warm and wet. His duck washcloth fell into the tub with a tiny plop. Jaebum reached around the back of Jackson’s neck, thumbing against the base as he kissed him. “Are you turned on?” Jackson asked, pulling hardly an inch away, his eyes a telling sign that he certainly was.

“By you naked in the bath tub?” Jaebum asked, cocking his head. Jackson nodded, bending forward to kiss along Jaebum’s neck, his wet hand coming up to grip his jaw.

“I don’t know why you’d think that.” Jaebum shrugged, smiling and Jackson grinned against him, pulling back and grinning like a little kid. He was so fucking cute, looking away from him wasn’t easy.

“We can’t, the guys will be over soon.” Jaebum said reluctantly. “Besides, we had sex half hour ago.”

Jackson looked towards the ceiling, nodding gravely. “I _know_.” He said emphatically.

“Hurry up. Or I’ll be late for Youngjae’s showcase.” Jaebum said, standing and clapping his hands together briskly. “Five more minutes.”

“I’ll take as long as I want.” Jackson mumbled, readjusting his little washcloth against his forehead.

Jaebum quirked an eyebrow, a bemused smirk spreading lightly across his sharp features. “Oh?”

“Yeah.” Jackson said challengingly, avoiding eye-contact as he tended to do when he was putting on a show, puffing his cheeks and looking away.

“I mean…I can turn on the shower.” Jaebum shrugged, moving leisurely towards the shower knob.

“Do it!” Jackson yelled, gripping the edges of the tub and pushing his chest forward determinedly.

“I’ll do it!”

“DO IT.”

“Okay.” Jaebum said, resting his hand against the knob; Jackson bolted from the tub in a blur of naked skin and soap, tearing off towards the bedroom, and Jaebum cackled, doubled over with the satisfaction of teasing mirth.

“YA!” Jackson screamed for the bedroom. “DO IT. I CAN HANDLE IT.”

“Who was it that just raced out of the tub?” Jaebum asked curiously, met with a few moments of silence before a, “I don’t know, some guy…” Came quietly from the bedroom.

“How are you still so mouthy after that display of cowardice?” He laughed, unplugging the tub and letting it drain.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Jackson muttered, now standing at the bathroom door with his arms crossed, and Jaebum moved quickly to hug him and poke his cheeks because there was nothing better than a grumpy Jackson.

\--

“He told me I had to rush and now he’s late.” Jackson said, shaking his head as Jaebum rushed around his apartment getting himself together.

“Mh, be proud of him for coming out to support Youngjae in the first place.” Taecyeon laughed. “He hates going to showcases, they’re full of people and crowds and all of his least favourite things.”

Jackson grinned, watching Taecyeon carefully. Taecyeon always seemed to be in a good mood, and never seemed to hesitate to do the right thing, which wasn’t quite as true for Jaebum. He sometimes wondered how Taecyeon and Jaebum had come to be friends in the first place-they were nothing alike. Whereas Taecyeon was full of hard work and ambition, Jaebum seemed to be filled with self-doubt and a lack of motivation. It was these differences that lead Jackson to wonder what it would have been like if Taecyeon had been the one to find him.

Thinking that made him feel guilty. He didn’t share those thoughts with Jaebum.

“I wonder why I put up with him.” Taecyeon said, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly, before meeting Jackson’s curious expression. “I’m kidding; I know why I do.” He leaned across the kitchen counter and Jackson felt his heartbeat quicken against his will, the even thump, thump, thump becoming _thumpthumpthump_ at an alarming rate. He swallowed, suddenly confused about everything.

“I’ll tell you because Jaebum probably never will, that’s the kind of person he is. Self-deprecating to the core, but trust me Jackson, your boyfriend has a heart of gold.”

“Gold?” Jackson asked, glancing to the counter because he had very suddenly forgotten Jaebum was his boyfriend when Taecyeon had leaned in towards him. Sometimes he wanted to know what it would be like to not just be with Jaebum, and he wondered if that was normal.

“Gold.” Taecyeon nodded, his voice still a staged whisper. “It’s not well-known but…” he glanced out towards the living room, checking if Jaebum was around, before looking back to Jackson. “Jaebum and I grew up in the same neighbourhood. I always wanted to go to med school—he didn’t. It’s what his parents wanted for him though. We were never really close, I being a few years older graduated before him and I was struggling to get accepted into a program. And, he, being a combination of brilliant and horse-flogged by his parents,” Here, a flash of anger sped across Taecyeon’s face. “He got accepted into a pre-med program before he even finished high school, and I was wait-listed.”

Jackson blinked. He couldn’t fathom Jaebum studying hard enough to get accepted to a program like that in high school, and Taecyeon be wait-listed. Jaebum fell asleep doing his homework, he never took notes, and he _still_ hadn’t started his thesis.  

“Really?” he asked doubtfully, and Taecyeon nodded. “I was waitlisted, next in line to receive acceptance, that’s what my letter said _, next_ in line. Jaebum didn’t even know me that well, we talked about it one time, and then within a week, I was accepted.”

“He…didn’t take it?” Jackson said. Jaebum’s mother called him and screamed at him for hours at a time about the smallest things—how mad had she been after he didn’t take an acceptance to something she actually had wanted him to do?

“He told them he didn’t get accepted, and that he wanted to go to film school. It pretty much was the first time he stood up for himself, and his father hasn’t really spoken to him since then. His parents are tyrants, Jackson, I’m sure you’ve seen glimpses.” Taecyeon shook his head. “They beat him down psychologically in whatever ways they can, and because of it, he tries to surround himself with people that make him feel the same way—or avoid company all together. He’s trying to follow his dreams but he needs a little bit of support. You’re the only person I’ve ever seen that was worthy of his love, and I just had to let you know the kind of guy he was, because, trust me, he’s always trying to hide it.”

Jackson frowned, and his heart beat had slowed down considerably. He really did feel guilty now, for judging and assuming, based on what?

“I know Jaebum is great.” He spoke to the countertop. He did know, he did, but he hadn’t appreciated enough.

“Good. Motivate him okay?” Taecyeon beamed, giving Jackson a firm thumb’s up. “He adores you.”

Jackson nodded, a lump in his throat, and wondered if _he_ was the one that wasn’t worthy of Jaebum.  

\--

The turn had been so sharp Jaebum wasn’t sure where to look. Blood ran freely from his either his thumb or forefinger, or both, or maybe even his palm, it was hard to tell. “Don’t move.” Taecyeon ordered, all business. Damp tissues were clutched in his fingers, trembling fingers, and Jaebum wondered why. “Where’s Jackson?” he asked, for the fourth time, but perhaps the first time that the words had actually escaped him.

“This looks really bad.” Taecyeon said briskly, pulling Jaebum up, and it was only then that he realized he had been on the floor. Why? He glanced to his hand for a second, watched as the thick wad of tissue Taecyeon pressed there soaked crimson. “I’m fine.” He said-- _it was the thing to say_. People were standing around in small groups, but the room was silent, the atmosphere thick with tension. Youngjae was at his side, helping him stand, his expression dazed—Jaebum felt the pen Youngjae clicked when he was wracked with nerves press against his side, still in Youngjae’s hand.

“Where’s Jackson?” he asked.

“He’s with Jinyoung and Yugyeom.” Youngjae said, staring at Jaebum’s hand. “You’re bleeding a lot.” he tried to add lightly, but his voice was thick with worry. 

“It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt.”

“He’s in shock.” Taecyeon said, leading Jaebum towards the entryway. All the eyes on the room followed them—still, no one was speaking, just stares and wide eyes and more staring. “No…I’m—” Jaebum started, then Youngjae’s grip on him was harder, as his mind slipped away from him and all he could feel was “Hold him, he’s fainting—it’s okay. Everyone it’s—” and then it was like someone had turned all the lights out and the sound off, except he was still aware he was bleeding. And now it hurt.

\--

“Three stitches...” Yugyeom said gently, looking to Jackson who sat, shivering against the cold bench of the hospital waiting room, wordless. “They thought he might need more, but it was just three in the end.” Jackson felt Yugyeom press a warm mug filled with tea into his hands and he gripped it tightly.

“It’s not going to take long.” Yugyeom continued. “I had to get thirteen stitches when I was a kid and it only took half an hour. So…” he trailed off, rubbing his eyes sleepily, and Jackson stared down into his mug, his eyes brimming with tears.

“Don’t cry.” Yugyeom said quickly. “It’s…it’s…he’ll be okay. It was a mistake.”

Jackson winced instantly. A mistake. A mistake that he’d bit Jaebum, bit him so hard that he bled, everywhere, bled so much that he fainted, and Jaebum was the strongest person he knew. Yugyeom hadn’t asked why, after it happened, when he had come to, and bolted, ran as fast and far as he could, he’d only said it was okay.

It was okay.

_It wasn’t okay._

It was a mistake, that part was true.

“Here, drink it.” Yugyeom said, nudging the mug clutched in Jackson’s fingers. “It’s tea.” Jackson looked down into the mug, tears streaming down his cheeks silently. He wanted to tell Yugyeom that he had never cried before today, and it was interesting, and he would be excited if it hadn’t been because he bit Jaebum until he bled. Thinking back to it, he couldn’t find a reason why, nor what he had been thinking about before it had happened. Youngjae had finished his performance showcase and come down off the stage, and it was loud and everyone was congratulating him and Jackson had been by Jaebum’s side the entire time because he had been nervous.

And then he had bitten him.

He drank the tea, choking back tears, and Yugyeom tried to hug him.


	29. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The light was out, suddenly. He wasn't the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are getting so hard to write, I feel like I'm climbing a very steep mountain that slopes quite suddenly back to even terrain, but first I have to reach the top.

* * *

Jaebum struggled to push his front door open with his left hand, a task that proved surprisingly cumbersome. “I’ll help you.” Taecyeon said, balancing the bags of groceries and cooked food that he had insisted on bringing for Jaebum, just as Jaebum got the door unlocked. He hadn’t seen Jackson since the incident, which no one had dared to bring up, the fact that Jackson had bit him without provocation, hard enough to tear the muscle between his thumb and forefinger.

 _“You could have easily lost the use, or even required the amputation, of your thumb.”_ The surgeon had informed him.

He had asked to see Jackson.

“He was exhausted when I dropped him off.” Taecyeon explained, carting the groceries to the kitchen. “He didn’t sleep the entire night, so he’s probably asleep now.” He glanced up, making eye contact with Jaebum for a split second. ‘ _What the fuck._ ’ His asked silently. Being the only one apart from Jaebum who knew where Jackson had really come from, the fact that Jackson had but Jaebum and he was now being made to leave them alone with each other was particularly distressing to him.

“He’s a good kid.” Was all he said out loud, but even that Jaebum wasn’t willing to hear. He knew what it implied.

_But._

_But maybe he needs to be checked out._

_Maybe you’re not safe._

_But. But._

But nothing. Jaebum shot Taecyeon a single look and that was it.

Taecyeon packed things into the fridge silently and Jaebum lifted his hand to his hair with the intention of running his fingers through it, wincing in pain as his fingers tried to do things they couldn’t at the moment, bandages wound tightly around his hand.

He strode towards his bedroom door, knocking before pushing it open irrationally quickly, the sort of fear one gets when stepping into a dark room in the night filling him. But Jackson was there, asleep on the bed and he exhaled, feeling ridiculous.

“Jackson.” He said, walking around to the edge of the bed where Jackson slept, still in the same clothes from the night before, and crouched by him, clumsily brushing hair away from his forehead with his undamaged hand. “I’m not mad at you, okay?”

Jackson stirred after a few moments, opening his eyes, and smiled with recognition. “You’re back.” He said, reaching forward and hugging Jaebum, who held him close and breathed him in, missing him. “Are you okay?” Jackson asked, pulling away. Jaebum reached forward and cupped his chin, meeting his eyes.

“I’m okay.” He said firmly.

“That’s good.” Jackson nodded slowly, the smile still there on his face. Jaebum tipped Jackson’s chin downwards, staring intently into his eyes. “How are you?” he asked, his eyes drifting across Jackson’s face, before noticing quite suddenly a little bottle of pills he had never seen before on the bedside table. “What are these?” he said, reaching for them.

“I’m okay.” Jackson said, still smiling, still nodding. There was nothing in his eyes.

“What are these?” Jaebum asked again, inspecting the bottle—it was all in English.

“I have to take 2 every day.” Jackson said, reaching for the bottle. “They’re stabilizers.”

“You’ve never taken them before.” Jaebum said in confusion, watching Jackson’s usually expressive eyebrows rest unmoved. “I’m supposed to.” Jackson said, turning the bottle over and over in his hand as if he had neve seen it before. “I used to take them.”

“What do you mean stabilizers?” Jaebum asked. “You’re stable, there’s nothing wrong with you.” He grabbed the bottle from Jackson’s hand, suddenly angry. “Jackson, there’s nothing wrong with you, how long have you been taking these?”

“Every day, before I came here.” Jackson replied promptly, before yawning. “I’m still tired. Can I go to sleep?”

Jaebum stared at the bottle before nodding. “Yeah—yes of course.” He said, blinking rapidly, and Jackson curled back up on the bed, asleep in moments. Jaebum stared down at the bottle, hating it irrationally. There was nothing wrong with Jackson.

And he _never_ wanted to go to sleep.       

\--

Jackson wasn’t the same. He smiled, resting his head in Jaebum’s lap and playing with his fingers, he read Harry Potter quietly on the floor by the bookcase, rereading the entire series after finishing it. He watched the morning news and all of his favourite cooking shows in the morning on the couch. He ate his meals happily, washing up promptly. He was perfect, and it was awful.

“You’re going to fencing this afternoon, right?” Jaebum asked over breakfast, and Jackson nodded, reaching across the table to hold Jaebum’s hand, intertwining fingers with him, his thumb brushing across his rings. “I can stay home.” He said.

“No, go.” Jaebum urged quickly. “You love fencing.” He wanted to add ‘ _remember_?’, he wanted to grab Jackson and shake him by the shoulders and yell and ask if he remembered. It was like watching an alien invade the body of someone he loved. Instead he smiled tightly and held Jackson’s hand. He wanted to talk about this—which wasn’t a common practice of his—but he wanted to, to argue, to understand, to really let Jackson know he was okay and it was okay to feel. He couldn’t tell if these pills, which even Taecyeon hadn’t recognized, were the cause of Jackson’s lack of emotion, or if he was closing himself off on his own.

“I’ll miss you.” Jackson said. “Can you bring me something nice after school?”

“Mh, yeah, like a snack?” Jaebum asked, and Jackson nodded, a hint of light in his eyes, and it was enough for Jaebum’s heart to leap. “Sure.” He nodded, leaning across the table to kiss Jackson, cupping his chin. “I love you.” Jackson mumbled quickly as he pulled away, but his hand still held Jaebum’s tightly, tighter than before—it was shaking, Jaebum thought.  

Jaebum wasn’t sure how to respond. He loved Jackson profoundly, the messy, loud, wild, silly Jackson that climbed on his back while he was studying and laughed like a hyena without care for who listened. He loved the Jackson that stole his snapbacks and giggled to himself as he read, who hated sleeping but loved cuddling, and would eat until his stomach exploded if allowed. He wondered if Jackson had ever known what it was like to be loved for himself. He hadn’t really known what that was like until he had met Jackson. “I love you too, Jackson Wang.” He smiled weakly, fingering the dog tag around Jackson’s neck, the urge to rip it right off of him nearly overwhelming. Someone like Jackson deserved complete freedom, even from those that loved him.

‘Even from me.’

\--

Jaebum had known it would happen. He had felt it within himself, even though he didn’t know how, he had no idea how, he pounded through the apartment with trembling yells and a clenching chest, flinging doors open, bellowing into the abyss. The second he had walked though the door he had known something was terribly wrong, like the tingling moment just after waking up and right before realizing you’re very late for something extremely important. Before he had left the house that morning he had known Jackson would be gone when he came back. Nothing else was gone, except Jackson.

There was a note on the counter, that read,

‘Sorry for the trouble, —it’s probably better this way. Don’t miss me too much,’ and that had been it, that had been all he was granted, the only clue, the only piece of information leading to absolutely nothing. He wanted to scream but no sound would come. And he didn’t know how to feel.  

Jackson was gone.

 

 

 

 

_Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too free and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure._

_-Stephen King_


	30. Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson makes a decision independently.

“Faster Jackson. You have the ability.”

Jackson lifted his legs higher—it was hard to run with the nervous system of cords and wires attached to his arms, legs, chest, everywhere, and he was out of practice. His chest hurt.

“What’s it looking like?” Dr. Jinyoung asked. He was standing beside the treadmill as Jackson ran, observing him with an expression-less tilt of the head, arms crossed.

“Average peak is 8 kilometers per hour.” The physician said briskly, flipping through the crisp pages of his clipboard.

“That’s a drop.” Jackson could feel Dr. Jinyoung’s eyes on him—he didn’t turn his head, he couldn’t breathe.

“Not by much. His precious peak was 8.4.” Dr. Andres looked up, standing. “He’s out of practice, it’s still an incredible pace. Jackson, you can stop.”

“Don’t stop.” Dr. Jinyoung said. “It’s not good enough, this is a major set-back.”

“How? What rush is there to speed his running time?” Dr. Andres moved to the treadmill to slow the pace, and Jackson gasped, his legs nearly crumbling underneath him. “I understand your goals to improve his skillsets across all departments, but—there’s no need to overexert him.” He handed Jackson a bottle of water, and Jackson grabbed it with trembling fingers.

“Up his training time by half hour each session.” Dr. Jinyoung said, glancing over the clipboard quickly.

“But—”

“Half hour. Jackson, come.” Dr. Jinyoung tossed the clipboard unto the counter as his associate looked on with a frown, helping Jackson rid himself of the all the cords and wires attached to him. Jackson guzzled water, his heart rate in a constant state of unrest. Since getting home—to the facility, he had been moving constantly--blood tests, endurance tests, a round of medications and shots—the entire time he had been fogged out and groggy—miserable, emotionless and miserable. There was little worse.

“You promised I would see my family now.” Jackson bit, trailing reluctantly after Dr. Jinyoung down the sterile hallways, the familiar echo of footsteps following him. “That I did.” Dr. Jinyoung said after a while, smiling tightly. “They have missed you in your absence. You must be glad to be home again.”

They arrived at the end of the hallway, to the small white door with a small glass window towards the top, from which one could peek outside. Jackson had always been fond of the door—it led to the outdoors, to freedom. Growing up, Jackson had spent much of his time working towards being let out through those doors, whether it meant training until he couldn’t breathe, studying and rope memorizing tirelessly, or staying in line however he could. Sometimes, being let outside hadn’t been an option no matter what he did, and it had upset him more than he cared to remember. Now, peeking through the little four by four window, ‘outside’ looked painfully small—he knew the layout of the terrain all too well. He wished he could forget it. Dr. Jinyoung unlocked the door with a swipe of his key card and Jackson bolted past him, tearing off towards the back of the enclosure.

It all smelt so familiar, lush greenery and a river that ran all through the enclosure, winding throughout the terrain. Jackson breathed in deeply as he ran, a deep sense of nostalgia overwhelming him. There was the set of trees he and Bambam had always loved to play by—usually ending in an afternoon nap, cuddled against each other underneath the gentle afternoon sun, light streaming in through the leaves. The small river, with its ever-flowing, clear stream of water, the same river at which his father had taught him and Bambam how to prevent his scent from being picked up, how to swim with his head above the water and track small prey. Mark didn’t have the same connection to Luo that Jackson did. Luo was his father, without even closing his eyes Jackson could see his thick grey coat and bright golden eyes. Luo was more intelligent than any human he had ever met, and although he had been asked repeatedly to explain how he communicated with him, he wondered how others _couldn’t_ understand him—his movements, expressions and scent left nothing to the imagination if one only spent time listening to him.

As he tore through the tall grass heading towards the woods, he glimpsed them--the walls. Over 10 feet tall, metal and spanning the entire enclosure from end to end, the walls were reminders that no matter how big the outdoors felt—and it was quite big, miles big—there was no ‘ _freedom_ ’. The outdoors had always felt like freedom, a chance to breathe and live, but now, the glimpse of wall, far off in the distance, was all Jackson could see.

Bambam’s scent hit him strongly then, and he knew he was close. Then Luo’s, much fainter, but distinct. Jackson yelped happily and ran faster than he had before, his dog tag clanging around on his neck. His wrists were tagged with ID bracelets from his checkups, since he had arrived all it had been was checkup after checkup, shots, medication, and so many questions.

_‘What did your diet consist of?’_

_‘Who was aware of your condition?’_

_‘What were your experiences?’_

_‘Where, what, **what** , **what** , who?’ _

Jackson had wanted to tell them to fuck right off with the questions. But he hadn’t said that. He hadn’t said much.

He spotted Bambam then, who lifted his head and cocked it to the side, before lighting up with recognition and bounding towards him, so quickly that Jackson knew he would be knocked right off his feet, and he was. Bambam pinned him down, licking and nuzzling all over his face, all loud whines and mewls, and Jackson held him close, hugging him and letting himself release the tears he hadn’t known he’d been holding in. He had missed his brother in a way that was impossible to explain.

Bambam stilled against him, pulling back to look him in the face, and Jackson covered his face as he sat there in the grass and sobbed. Bambam blinked, eventually reaching forwards to press his snout against the side of Jackson’s face, his ears low, and Jackson wrapped both his arms around him, trying to breathe as his head spun.

“Where’s dad?” He eventually asked, Bambam’s silence relaxing him. If he let himself think about the last 48 hours any more than he already was, it would be too much to mentally process. It had been the right decision to ask if he could be taken back to the facility, but it had raised questions he didn’t have the answers to, the two most prominent being, how was he sent for only an hour after asking to return to the facility? If it had been that easy—why hadn’t they sent for him before? But most importantly, and the question he couldn’t stop thinking about, how had they known where he was without him even sharing his address?

Bambam turned his head towards a small clearing a few feet away and Jackson stood. Luo’s scent was still faint for how close he was, and Jackson was suddenly concerned. Luo was lying against a large boulder, and as Jackson neared him, he lifted his head to look at him, his tail thrashing against the ground. Jackson frowned as he hugged Luo—he didn’t look well.

“He’s not better?” Jackson said, glancing to Bambam, who had padded towards him, confirming with a nod. Jackson stroked back Luo’s fur by the top of his head, the usually bright amber eyes now dim. His spirit was muted.

Every few years, both Luo and Bambam was given a range of hormones to prepare them for possibly mating, and samples were taken from them. The hormones always had negative effects, sometimes sending them both into bouts of illness, lowering their immune systems drastically. But never did it last for more than a couple of weeks, with a rebounded to full health after the treatments stopped. Yet Luo looked exhausted, weak, and small, and Jackson’s heart pulled in his chest as he hugged the only father he had ever really known.

After what he had done to Jaebum, running far and fast had made perfect sense. He didn’t deserve someone like Jaebum, he had hurt him, and hurting him again wasn’t something he knew how to prevent. No matter how much Jackson had thought about it, he had no idea why he had bitten the person he had grown to love so immensely, the person that had taught him so much about what love meant, the person who he had realized that, even if given the opportunity to move on, he would choose over and over and _over_ again. Jaebum echoed through his mind like a dream he couldn’t shake. Each time the thought of him coming home to an empty apartment was more painful than the last, a sharp slice through Jackson’s heart. But each time the image of his bandaged hand burst into Jackson’s mind, he reassured himself he had done the right thing.

But now, Luo was sick, sick and trapped, and Jackson wasn’t thinking about himself. There was no freedom here, despite the trees, the sky, the crisp air, it was all a lie, like Truman’s world. Luo didn’t deserve a lie. He didn’t deserve _this_. “I’ve always been taken care of.” He said out loud, and Bambam looked at him thoughtfully, wondering where his train of thought was headed. “I think it’s time to take care of myself.”

Bambam made a face that screamed ‘ _CHEESY_ ’ and Jackson made a face back. “It sounded cooler in my head.” He mumbled, and Luo made a pleased sound as Jackson rubbed right behind his ear. Bambam cocked his head, asking Jackson how, _how_ was he going to ‘take care of himself,’ and Jackson bit his lower lip, wondering the same thing.

All he had ever really known how to do was run. Step one would be to stop doing that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Collapses-   
> This was hard to write! Sorry it took so long, so much is happening right now.


	31. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearing the end of this story! And I'm getting weirdly more and more excited as I write the latter chapters, it's very strange? I guess I like angst, a little. Enjoy!

The classroom in which Jackson had always been educated seemed smaller now. Four pristine, clean walls, blank. One whiteboard, blank. Bright white lights, and a bright, middle-aged tutor. Spotless floors. A small clock on the wall counted down the moments until he was free to move from one enclosure to the next. Jackson squirmed at his desk—he was alone, working through his thick biology workbook, brand new, blank. He wondered what sort of traffic there was on the 401 today, what the weather was like, what Jaebum was making for lunch, if he had finally begun working on his thesis. He veered sharply away from the thought of Jaebum, who filled him up with warmth that spread throughout his stomach, combined with a piercing, unfamiliar pain. He closed his workbook with a thud, just as his tutor poked her head through the door.

“Jackson, you have a phone call.” She smiled, accent distinctly British. She wore a smaller version of the white lab coat everyone at the facility had to wear, the master key card that unlocked most rooms in the building clipped at her side. Jackson had always been fascinated by her accent, often spending his time outside of lessons quietly practicing his own version. Now it reminded him of sitting on the couch, watching Harry Potter, Jaebum’s arm around his waist, bundling him close in a way that made Jackson feel safe and **warm**.  

He walked into the hallway, taking the ivory phone receiver and pressing it to his ears, realizing his earrings had been removed at some point, probably while he was completely out of it after the third round of shots and pills. It had never made him think twice in the past, the way things would disappear and appear all over him like magic, bracelets, id tags--mostly id tags. Now it made his blood run cold, the tag on his wrist a steady reminder that his body was not his own. “Hello?” he said, almost in Korean, before correcting himself. It wouldn’t be Jaebum, they would _never let it be Jaebum_.

“Jackson.” Mark’s voice was so shaky, so desperate, and Jackson covered his face, tears prickling at his eyes the moment he heard his brothers voice. It seemed like he couldn’t stop crying, each time he thought it was over, it hit again, and he couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard he wiped, swallowed, blinked, the tears came, the choking, aching sobs clawed their way out of him. His chest heaved. He was vaguely aware of his tutor, standing just a few feet away, her expression masked—like always. _So cold_.

“Are you ok—are you safe?” Mark rephrased, sounding strong, suddenly. For some reason that made Jackson cry harder, shoving the receiver against his neck, it was freezing, he hated it, _he hated_ it. He couldn’t breathe, felt his legs give out underneath him, sank to the floor, held his breath and hoped it would pass. His fingers were trembling.

Mark said nothing, and if Jackson closed his eyes, he could see him, biting at his lower lip. He didn’t want Mark to feel helpless. He had to say something. “I’m fine.” He finally managed to say, after such a long time. The lie rang through his mind. He hated making Mark feel helpless. “I came back because it was the right time.” He said, breathing in and out slowly, knowing Mark wanted to know. “They didn’t make me come back.” Had Jaebum cried like he had?

“Jackson,” Mark was choosing his words carefully. “You don’t have to do this. You still don’t have to do this.”

“I’m broken.” Jackson interrupted, before Mark said anything else. Every conversation was tapped; he knew that now. “I have to stay here.”

“Jackson—”

“I want to stay here.”

“Jackson, he really loves you. And you’re not--”

Overwhelming fear filled the pit of Jackson’s stomach, and he wondered who was listening in on this call. “Mark, I’m sorry, I have to go.” He said. “I’m really sorry.” He hung up before Mark could say anything else.

He turned to go back to his studies, trying to ignore the last thing Mark had said, when his tutor touched his shoulder lightly. “You can take a short break, okay?” she said, quickly dropping her hand to her side, and Jackson looked at her in surprise.  All at once he realized the expression she was trying to mask was empathy. He smiled, his heart lifting, wondering why someone would want to hide empathy in the first place, and reached forward to hug her. She was tentative, hugging was not technically forbidden, but not something anyone ever did. No one touched Jackson. But eventually she did hug him, and Jackson felt the slightest sense of warmth in this god forbidden place, and hope glimmered in the distance, just past his fingertips.  

\--

It was for nearly a full three days that Jaebum didn’t know where Jackson was. He had never throw himself into his work more avidly. All the assignments, readings, and projects that he had been avoiding the entire semester, because frankly, he wasn’t entirely sure what the point of them was—he completed, one by one, methodically, focusing on nothing else, because thinking about anything else would absolutely break him. Half way through one of his text books, he found a small sticky note, written by Jackson, saying simply ‘ _Keep working! You deserve the best._ ’ He had stared at the note for minutes at a time, emotions mixing between worry and confusion, and anger, until the anger faded, and sadness rose.

‘You deserve the best.’

What did that mean? What could it mean to deserve the best? Jaebum felt, no, he knew, that he did not, in fact deserve the best. He didn’t deserve anything. He was a failed son, a disappointing student, and any attempts try and succeed at what he really did genuinely love, –filming, _Jackson_ —would be a slap in his parents face, a big ‘ _fuck you, not only am I doing this thing you told me not to do, I’m also doing well at it._ ’ A part of him wanted to flunk out of school and have to return to his parent with his head bowed. Succeeding would mean his father would never speak to him again, and he wasn’t sure if achieving his dream was worth that, because he wasn’t even certain of what his dream was.

One foot out of the door hadn’t ever done much for him, apart from stretch him more than he could bear.

Whenever Jaebum was asked the question—what’s your deepest secret, it flashed across his mind every time, right beneath the surface of his skin. ‘I just want to be loved, unconditionally.’ He would never say it out loud. The sort of love Mark had for Jackson, the sort of love Youngjae had for everyone, he wanted it, desperately. The love that came and went beyond friendship, beyond circumstances, beyond necessity. The longer he stared at the small scrawl of writing on the note, the more it made sense.

‘What if I do deserve the best?’ It was a thought that had never crossed his mind. What would he change if he did deserve the best? He decided then to keep working like he deserved the best, and see where that got him, both feet out the door, even if that meant the door might be slammed shut behind him.

If he deserved the best, that would mean he deserved Jackson. That was a dream he could get behind.

\--

“Before we get started, I want you to be fully aware that I will know if you’re lying to me, Jackson. I know you wouldn’t lie to me, but I want you to know that.” Dr. Jinyoung’s voice was gentle, and Jackson met him in the eye with a blank expression. “Okay.” He said, leaning back in his chair. They were in Dr. Jinyoung’s office, and he had just been asked to recount his experiences away from the facility. He had known this was coming, even had a plan on what to say—the bare minimum.

But now he decided, fuck it. Because he was kind of over the bullshit, and if this was going to be his life forever, he was going to put up a fight.

“So, after I woke up in the middle of a forest, having no idea how I got there, Jaebum rescued me, and took me in to his apartment.” He said. Jaebum’s temper had always been a point of fascination to Jackson, the way it rose and flared, the only glimpse of the passion that he hid within himself, why did he hide it?

Jackson had never learned to hide parts of himself, he had never had anything to hide. Now, anger rose like bile in his throat. “He took care of me because I didn’t know how to take care of myself. Since I basically had been abandoned—”

“Jackson, you should know that you escaped on your own accord.” Dr. Jinyoung was smiling.

“I didn’t.” it was the first time Jackson had felt himself raise his voice like that, and it was so scary, but it felt so good. “I didn’t. You keep telling me to tell you the truth, but all you’ve ever done to me my whole life is lie. I don’t know why…why you would leave me somewhere to die, but I know that’s what you did.” He felt himself rising out of his chair. He hadn’t been able to vocalize that before, the concept of bad people and Dr. Jinyoung being one of those people had not been one he had been able to understand before, but he did now.

“Jackson, I would never let something like that happen to you. You’re far too valuable.” Dr. Jinyoung was still smiling. Jackson wanted nothing more than to wipe the expression off of his face.

“I know there’s a tracker in this.” He said, pulling his dog tag off and slamming it unto the table. “I know you know exactly what happened to me while I was gone, somehow. I know there are cameras everywhere, I’ve seen them. I’m not naïve anymore. I’m not your puppet.”

Dr. Jinyoung blinked. “Oh my.” He said slowly, but he was still smiling. Jackson faltered, an inexplicable sense of dread hitting him. “Welcome to reality, Jackson. Unfortunately, I’m only _just getting started with you._ ”

All Jackson could think was how desperately cold it suddenly was.

 


	32. Captivity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s up to you. Would you like to remain here by, or against your will?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Don't knoooow. I hope it's okay? Might edit a lot? I don't knooow.

 

“Initially, I wanted your genes to mutate naturally. That was the hope. Releasing you into a dangerous environment with the possibility of your more aggressive genes mutating. But, you failed to do that, choosing instead to hang pathetically off of a tree trunk until you were _saved._ It was the most disappointing thing you have done in a while—and that is saying a lot. _Jaebum_ was not a part of the plan.” Dr. Jinyoung was looking at his desktop as he spoke, leaning away from his desk with his hands clasped. Villains could never resist explaining themselves. Jackson said nothing, sitting stock-still.

“I didn’t give up though. I needed— _need_ a good sample of your DNA. This is my life’s work, and I need something to show for it. I knew Mark would try to protect you and prevent me from getting into contact with you, but of course, I have your brother here, so I had no worries I could always retrieve you.” Dr. Jinyoung lifted his eyes to look at Jackson, a slow smile spreading across his face.

“I could not have estimated how much of a hold Jaebum would have over you. Didn’t you feel bad for never returning to your sick family, Jackson?” Dr. Jinyoung cocked his head curiously in question, and Jackson looked down into his lap, because he couldn’t stand to look at his captor any longer.

“I tried what I could, broadcasting films directly to the television available to you that would introduce the idea of sentience and freedom to you, make you long for it. But you were far too content sitting around eating eggs.” Dr. Jinyoung scoffed, shaking his head. “I always knew we were too gentle on you.”

Jackson disagreed.

“I knew that if we could only get you to bite someone, it would be game over for you. You would be turned in, arrested, and that would either cripple you with fear, or fully mutate the gene due to being in such a high stress situation.”

“Why does it matter? Why would you want me to be feral?” Jackson asked, finally. It was the part of himself he hated the most, why did Dr. Jinyoung want him to become a monster?

“Jackson, I’ve done everything with you that I can. You’re not what I wanted you to be, you’ve never been. What I need is a genetically advanced being with superhuman capabilities, not a child fearful of the weather. As far as test subjects go, you’ve always been a disappointment.”

Jackson hated that those words still made him feel so small.

“But your DNA is special—the most important thing about you. All I needed is one strong sample to inseminate a strong female participant with. Your father, no matter how many extensive treatments we’ve put him through, is no longer able to mate, and unfortunately, Bambam, our most promising subject yet, does not have DNA compatible with that of a human being.” Dr. Jinyoung sounded incredibly disappointed.

 “You are our only option. I needed you to mutate your aggressive gene before mating you, otherwise, your child would most likely exhibit very few interesting qualities.”

“You just want me for my DNA?” Jackson asked. “I don’t…”

“I’m going to have to do this the old fashioned way. I shouldn’t have wasted so much time. I can force your genes to mutate on their own.”

“I don’t want to be here anymore.” Jackson’s voice was low, but strong.

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you Jackson, but I own you. There’s not much that you can do about it.”

\--

The hallways were quiet, save for the sounds of Dr. Jinyoung’s and Jackson’s footsteps walking towards his bedroom—his cell.

“You don’t own me.”  Jackson said suddenly, stopping in his tracks.

He couldn’t stand to hear that anymore, he wasn’t an animal, he was a person, he’s _own_ person. The concept of standing up to himself hadn't been one he had understood before, his life had been blind, being dragged around on a leash and grabbing at any bits of sunlight or happiness offered to him. It was no way to live. 

“Oh, but I do.” Dr. Jinyoung said. “You’re not human, Jackson. You’re the result of an experiment. Your mother signed all rights to any results of that experiment away, and you were the result, you’re mine.”

“I am human.” Jackson said. “I’m more of a human being than you are. And I’m leaving this place.”

“There’s nothing you can do about it.”

“So you say my mom gave me away?” Jackson said. It hurt to hear, but it wasn’t the main thought that circled his mind.

“That’s correct. I can show you the documents which she signed if you like.”

“Did my father?” Jackson said suddenly.

“Jackson, don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not being ridiculous.” Jackson bit. “Even if I’m an experiment, I was still a baby. Both parents would have had to sign for my participation, isn’t that right?”

The silence that filled the hallway was music to Jackson’s ears.

“Jackson, did you ever wonder why thunder storms scared you so much?” Dr. Jinyoung asked. “All throughout your childhood, you were conditioned to be fearful. This entire facility—” he gestured around him to the sterile hallways, and Jackson looked around. “—Is rigged. I can command a storm whenever I would like, outdoors, across the entirety of the landscape.”

Jackson blinked, recalling the first storm he could remember. He hadn’t been more than 5 when the thunder crashed, so deafening, and he had run as fast as he could towards anyone, but there had been no one, anywhere, doors locked all over, no matter how much he pulled. He had been so terrified, until he had passed out in the cold.

How much of his life had been a lie?

“Why?” he asked, voice shaking with anger.

“Jackson, I just need you to understand there are too many aspects of you that have been cultivated by me for you to ever truly be ‘free’. The pills I sent you weren’t suppressants; they are mild steroids that increase aggression. Nothing negative would have happened to you if you hadn’t had them. Your increased sexual appetite was a result of being off of the suppressants you had been given while here at the facility.”

Dr. Jinyoung reached into his pocket and pulled out a pen, and Jackson’s mind flashed suddenly to the night he had bitten Jaebum, to the pen Youngjae so often liked to click in his hands just before the bite had happened.

“I’m sure you’re very curious, so I’ll let you know. You’ve been conditioned to respond to 3 clicks in rapid succession of a pen. 3 clicks, and you can’t help becoming aggressive.” Dr. Jinyoung said, turning the pen over and over in his hand.

“Why?” Jackson asked.

“You don’t remember your conditioning sessions, Jackson?” Dr. Jinyoung feigned confusion. “Of course you don’t, that was made sure of. A few zaps of a shock collar after a few clicks, an aggressive response from you, a reward, more clicks, a more intense shock, a more aggressive response, it’s classical conditioning.”

“That’s not…ethical.” Jackson could hardly get the words out. He didn’t know how to feel—robbed, frightened, angry, so fucking angry. His hands shook at his side.

“You’re full of those pills right now Jackson. A few clicks and you’ll be attacking me in moments, and then nothing you could ever do would convince anyone in a court of law that you aren’t an insane hybrid beast deserving of captivity.” Dr. Jinyoung said calmly.

 

“It’s up to you. Would you like to remain here _by_ , or against your will?”

 

\--

 

_“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”_

_― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Collapses-


	33. Freed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll be surprised, you free a bird, he often returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the final chapter! It'll be the final chapter when the story is marked as [finished].

_“Mom.” Jackson liked saying the word. It was comforting, in the same way that a blanket or glass of milk was. He said it when he was alone in his room. His mom told him she would let him paint it blue one day, blue like the sky—the outside was so much nicer than those four walls, the four walls of his bedroom, the four walls of her hospital room, and the ceiling._

_He liked to stroke her hair back with his fingers—long and black and slippery. Sometimes she held his hand and said ‘Jackson look how you’re growing, look at your fingernails!’, and he would look. His fingernails never seemed to stop growing. He wondered why._

_“Time’s up, Jackson.”_

_“Five more minutes.” Jackson begged, leaning forward and pressing against his mother as she slept. He really didn’t like when she slept. Sleeping seemed lonely, and scary. He would put his head to her chest to make sure she was still there._

_“No, no more minutes. We have a busy day ahead.”_

_Jackson didn’t like ‘busy days ahead’, that meant a lot of things were plugged into him and people watched him from behind a glass and wrote things on paper really fast. They never said ‘hi Jackson’, they just called him a specimen and talked over his head in words he didn’t understand._

_“Okay, but, I can come back later?” Jackson blinked back tears, hot and tingly—if he cried he got in a lot of trouble, if he gave a fuss it would rain outside with scary crashes and Dr. Jinyoung would say ‘I hope this storm doesn’t turn off the power’. If the power went off, his mom’s breathing machines wouldn’t work anymore. He hated storms. When he behaved they didn’t happen._

_“Of course.” His teacher had a look on her face that he didn’t understand. People always had looks on their faces he didn’t understand and he didn’t like that. Her eyes looked like sadness. Like his mom’s._

_“You promise?” he asked, reluctant to move._

_“Jackson, let’s go.”_

_That meant no._

_But at least he could see her tomorrow._

\--

Jinyoung peered over the top of his glasses at Jaebum’s laptop, as the credits scrolled across the screen. He sad nothing for a while, his arms crossed, before finally smiling. “It’s good.” He admitted. “It’s _really_ good.”

Jaebum leaned back in his hair, rubbing bleary eyes. He had been working tirelessly for the last couple of weeks to meet the deadline for his thesis, submitting it with only minutes to spare. He was proud of it, proud of what he had done, the work he had put in. He was proud without fear, without apology.

“You know,” Jinyoung said, uncrossing his arms. “The student whose film outline Professor Nam gives the highest score will be supplied with full funding to make a short film.”

“I know.” Jaebum nodded, closing his laptop.

“It _pains_ me to say this, but that might be you.” Jinyoung said dryly, his eyes smiling.

Jaebum continued to nod, slowly.

“Which would mean—if the film is any good, being entered into competitions, maybe even film festivals—basically, it would mean you would have to face the fact that you’re a talented filmmaker and walk that path boldly.” Jinyoung said. “No more hiding.”

Jaebum paused. He knew he had a good chance of winning. He knew that would mean walking a path he had been frightened of, boldly and without fear. Part of him wanted to win.

A big part of him wanted to win—it was an invigorating feeling, warm flames licking at untapped passion—he was suddenly hungry for something bigger than himself.

“I know.” He said.

Jinyoung’s smile was on his lips now. “I see you’ve seen it.” He said, gesturing to the newspaper on the edge of Jaebum’s bed. The story wasn’t even the on front page, instead a modest article that headlined the Science and Technology section of the paper, so vague that most causal readers would hardly understand what they were reading about.

**_‘Corrupt Hong Kong Based Scientist Arrested After Evidence of Malpractice Surfaces.’_ **

The article didn’t mention Jackson or anything of Dr. Jinyoung’s most prominent research, but it did mention multiple ways in which he had broken various laws in regards to the treatment of animals at his facility, as well as illegal methods of receiving funding for a project deemed _inconclusive and unreliable._

A few short paragraphs, and that was all Jaebum had heard of Jackson in five months. For his own sanity, Jaebum had had to cut ties, Mark had been the one to make sure that happen. Living without Jackson had thrown his world into darkness for a while, and Mark had pointed out that he couldn’t throw his life away for someone that he had only meant to know in passing.

_‘Jackson is going to be fine, trust me. I’m not giving up on him. But you need to move on. You have to.’_

It hadn’t been a lie, but that hadn’t made the process any easier, each night sitting and wondering and forcing himself to fall asleep with hopes that the morning would bring color along with it.  Eventually time had passed, the gaping hole in his heart had become a manageable gash, the scar on his hand had began to fade.

None of this prevented his blood from racing through his veins as he read that title, the newspaper he had been checking religiously every single week—a fact that had not slipped past Jinyoung or Taecyeon.

“Are you going to try to contact him?” Jinyoung asked. He had been skeptical at first upon hearing Jackson’s origin story, but eventually come to accept it.

“No.” Jaebum said. Jackson was someone he would never forget, not even when he was old and grey, listening to death’s whisper. He would never forget his laugh, his bright eyes, the way he had lit a flame in Jaebum that he himself hadn’t known himself capable of. The books he had strewn around the apartment as he read avidly, excitedly, how he never had an inside voice. His unapologetic existence.

Jackson deserved choice, _freedom_. Jaebum didn’t want to introduce himself into the world Jackson was free to build for himself.

“I hope he’s somewhere open, and free.” He said, mulling over his words. “Somewhere he can feel quiet happiness.”

                                                       - 6 months later -

“How does it feel to have directed and produced the first student film to be nominated for a Wildflower Award, and in 4 categories, no less?”

The interviewer, her microphone flitting from herself to Jaebum, stood at the edge of the carpet, right in front of the ropes that separated the crowd from the people walking the carpet. Cameras flashed, bright bulbs going off in Jaebum's field of vision, momentarily blinding him.

Jaebum shrugged, smiling. “It feels good.” He said. “It’s a film I’m passionate about, and sharing my work with others is something I'm excited to do.” He tilted his chin high as he spoke, beyond the interviewer, past the cameramen and the barrier behind which a crowd stood--hoping to catch glimpses of their favorite independent actors and directors. His film, fittingly titled 'Freed', was to be publicly screened for the first time at this festival, gaining more attention than Jaebum could have ever imagined it would.

He ran his fingers through his hair and returned his attention to the interviewer. It had been against his better judgement to invite Jackson to the screening, but it hadn’t felt right not to send an invitation to the very person who had inspired his entire film. Despite the fact that it had now been nearly a year since he had seen or heard anything about Jackson, Jaebum had sent tickets and a letter to the one address he knew Mark to have lived at. There had been no form of reply, no failure of delivery, no returned mail, no hint at all that mail had either been received or read. He had worked hard to force himself not to think about it.

As much as he tried, he found himself scanning the crowd for that comforting blonde head of hair, each car pulling up to the front of the building slowing his heartbeat for just a moment. The doors would be closing in a few minutes; the screening would begin. It had been a long shot to expect Jackson to come, from wherever he was, to something like this, from wherever he was. Still, logical thinking didn’t stop Jaebum’s head from snapping to the entrance each and every time a vehicle made its way to the entrance.

“Well, the screening should be starting in a few moments. I wish you the best of luck with it!” The interviewer was saying, and Jaebum smiled, his mind far from present. “Thank you.” He said, giving the crowd one final, slow scan before reluctantly turning to walk inside, only vaguely aware of the sense of disappointment making his footsteps heavy.

 

 

 

 

 

It was nearly halfway through the screening that the disturbance could be heard, so loud it made its way through the thick doors and all along the auditorium. Jaebum edged out of his seat, looking with confusion towards Jinyoung beside him. “Sir, I’m so sorry, but there’s a person outside that refuses to leave? He says he’s--” An usher began, before Jaebum bolted past him towards the front of the building, slamming the side entrance open. Sure enough, there was Jackson—his hair was black, and he was wearing a proper suit. He looked different.  

“No, you listen to me! I’m going inside, you’re not stopping me. Do you know who I am? I’m, JACKSON!” Jackson was yelling, his little black bow tie askew on his chest, both hands on his hips. Jaebum couldn’t stop looking at him, couldn’t stop smiling. “Jackson,” he said calmly, walking towards him. “Not only did you show up _late_ , but now you’re disturbing the peace?”

Jackson’s expression mirrored Jaebum’s, the same open, unabashed gaze, eyes drinking in his features. Jaebum hoped his face didn’t give away how much his heart was lurching as Jackson moved towards him and hugged him without hesitation, their bodies fitting together with an undeniable familiarity.

He didn’t feel the same any more, that intense, all-consuming infatuation he’d felt, the kind of emotion that would have eaten him up if he had let it. No good, it had been no good. Instead, a pleasant curiosity buzzed lightly within him. When he pulled away, he saw Jackson wasn’t the same either.

“Your hair’s black.” He offered, his expression grazing Jackson’s lips.

“Yeah.” Jackson smiled. “I like it like this. You finished your thesis.”

Jaebum laughed and Jackson grinned and they stood a little away from each other, both unsure of what was next, but excited nonetheless.


	34. Miss Movin' On

When Jackson had invited Jaebum to his home on the outskirts of California, Jaebum had been taken aback. After a year without contact, it felt like the extension of an olive branch, in some way, even though Jaebum wasn’t sure where things stood between them. That was the thing, he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. Jackson had simply appeared into his life again, and asked after the screening of the short film.

_“How opposed would you be to coming to my house?”_

_“Your house?”_

_“Yup, in California. I live with Mark now, and dad, and Bambam.”_

_“Okay.”_

He hadn’t even needed a beat to think about it, the chance to see Jackson again, to properly, really see him, was one Jaebum had to take, even if it meant flying half-way across the world for the first time to a country where he didn’t speak the language and didn’t know the customs, two things which conceptually gave him a deep sense of anxiety.

But Jackson had been there at the arrivals gate with Mark, holding and waving a little sign with his name on it, _Jabummie_ , and his grin was blazing bright, hotter than the California sun that shone above. A year without that smile, and _there it was_ , again, better, happier, real.

Jackson was new, all new. His hair was blonde again, he’d dyed it in the month between them seeing each other in Korea and now. He was wearing a deep silver cap, backwards, dark, thin t-shirt with rolled up sleeves, a bracelet that matched Mark’s on his wrist, and pale blue jeans. He looked good, he looked great, and he talked more than ever before.

“Are you tired? You want to stop for food? Have you ever had In-N-Out before? It will change your life.” Jackson rattled, peeking back from the passenger spot to Jaebum, who was caught between staring out the window at the rapidly moving landscape, and staring at Jackson.

“No…hey, your Korean’s actually better now.” Jaebum noted, briefly meeting Jackson’s eyes before glancing back out the window.

“I practice!” Jackson yelled, and Mark turned down the music playing in the background, which Jackson had turned on before bursting into conversation, because he _loved this song_ , but he had _loved_ the last song and the one before that too.

“I practiced a lot, and Mark and I watch dramas sometimes and then we watch the Kardashian’s even though Mark says he hates them but I caught him watching them by himself before.” Jackson shot Mark a look and Mark made a face, scrunching his nose. “I told you, I fell asleep in front of the tv! I had class the next day.”

“He fell asleep with his eyes open then.” Jackson smirked. His expressions were different, free—his eyebrows moved a lot, he made faces Jaebum had never seen before, everything was more open, but there was still that sense of wonder there.

_“What kind of A.C do you want, I can do any temperature you want! Don’t believe me? Look!”_

_“Jackson, leave it alone.”_

_“I could show you if Mark only had joy in his heart.”_

_“I keep us alive.”_

Even as Mark and Jackson bickered back and forth, Jaebum could see how happy Mark was to be talking to his brother like this, each quick quip from Jackson lead to a quirk of the brow on Mark’s end, before he retorted. They often switched into English for minutes at a time before one of them remembered to switch back for Jaebum’s sake, but either way Jaebum didn’t mind. It was great.

\--

 “And this,” Jackson was flushed with excitement, his smile massively wide. “Is my favourite room by _far_.”

“Not a room, Jackson.” Mark grinned, rubbing Luo by the ears.

“It’s the outside room!” Jackson brandished, and Jaebum couldn’t stop looking at him, how happy he was here. The area Jackson was gesturing to couldn’t be called a backyard so much as a rolling terrain of landscape. Lush green met the wooden patio, a gazebo sat nestled by a small pond, by which Luo was laying, inspecting the fish with interest. In the distance, there with a path that lead into the forest, all evergreen trees and dew.

“There was a deer here last week!” Jackson beamed, gesturing. “He came right up to the water, Bambam wanted to chase him so badly, but he resisted.”

“Tell him how big it was.” Mark smiled, and immediately Jackson rushed into, “MASSIVE, the biggest, the biggest a deer could be, bigger than _me_.”

“Doesn’t take much.” Jaebum interjected, and Jackson shot him a look, but nothing could dim the light in his eyes.

“He hasn’t decided if he likes you.” Jackson whispered suddenly, gesturing to Bambam, who stood by the sliding patio doors, squinting in Jaebum’s direction. Jaebum attempted at a smile, ever awkward. Walking into the house, the first thing he had been met with was Bambam turning the television off to come and inspect him. He looked like a wolf, but acted like a cross between a teenage boy and an excited puppy, a confusing mixture.

Since then he had followed Mark and Jackson around carefully, inspecting Jaebum from behind doors and peeking out of windows to him, which was interesting to watch because, while he thought he was being stealthy and keeping out of sight, he was too much of a massive fur ball to really hide at all.

“Does he…and your…dad,” Jaebum glanced to Luo, now half-asleep in front of the pond. “Do they like it here?”

“They love it.” Jackson beamed. “Dad’s never been happier, _ever_. He’s got more energy, and Bambam, he loves _everything_. Don’t let his cool act fool you.” Bambam’s snout poked over the top of the window, deep brown eyes peeking in Jaebum’s direction.

“He keeps fighting to dye his fur pink by the ears, crazy right? He’d never pull it off!” Jackson tossed a pointed glance in Bambam’s direction, who scowled and tossed one back at him, laying his ears back. Jaebum wasn’t sure if _that_ was the crazy thing, but he smiled politely anyways.

“Jackson, are you going to let Jaebum rest at all, or are you going to keep carting him around the house until he collapses?” Mark asked, walking towards them. “You know he just had a 13-hour flight, right?”

“It’s okay.” Jaebum nodded, an inconvenient yawn striking him mid-sentence.

“I’ll get your room set up.” Mark said with a smile.

\--

It was around 3 am when Jaebum woke up and couldn’t fall asleep again. He tossed and turned in bed for a while, eventually kicking his sheets off and sitting up. Mark and Jackson’s house was warm and earthy, with a lot of wood finishes and deep tones. As he padded towards the living room, he could hear cicadas chirping in the backyard, small twinkle lights shining from the gazebo.

“Jaebum.” Jackson’s voice came soft and sleepy from the couch, and he sat up slowly, blinking in Jaebum’s direction. “Jackson, what are you doing out here?” Jaebum asked quickly, to hide the fact that he had flinched just a _little_ at the sound of Jackson’s voice in the darkness.

“I knew you would wake up.” Jackson peeked over the couch towards Jaebum, smiling. “And I knew you would come out here.”

“Oh, did you?” Jaebum walked towards the couch and sat by Jackson, who nodded, pleased. They sat in silence for a while, Jackson sleepy and shrouded in blankets, and Jaebum thinking through all the questions he wanted to ask.

“It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it?” he finally said. “A little house in the woods.”

Jackson beamed. “I love it.” He said. “Bambam and Dad are so happy here. It’s not too far from the city either, so Mark doesn’t have to travel far for school.”

“He’s back in school then?” Jaebum asked.

“Mhm, his dad is doing well now, so he got to go back.” Jackson said, resting his head against the side of the couch, looking up at Jaebum from underneath his lashes. Jaebum fought back the urge to reach out and brush back the stray strands of hair against Jackson’s forehead. It was funny, a distant, fleeting memory now, the feel of Jackson against him, holding him, kissing him—but the idea still felt natural. He wondered how Jackson felt, if he ever thought about that.

If he had been with anyone since.

“Jackson, you know…” Jaebum started. “When you left to go back to…that place, I was…” he closed his eyes to protect from Jackson’s shifting expression, from sleepiness to interest. The pain in his chest when he had lost Jackson was something he never wanted to revisit, the memory so striking and vivid—but this wasn’t about him. “I was so worried about you, but I didn’t do enough. I didn’t know what to do, what I _could do_. I regret letting it just happen, so much—”

“I wanted to leave.” Jackson interjected. “I left on my own Jaebum, that wasn’t your fault.”

“But—”

“No.” Jackson’s voice was soft, but firm. “ **Listen**. I didn’t know what I was then. I felt like a trap between a human, and a monster. I thought there was no other way out. After…after I bit you—”

“I don’t care about that.” Jaebum said quickly. “I never cared that—”

“I cared.” Jackson said softly, and Jaebum met his eyes. “I cared that I had no control over my own body, that I was just a pawn in someone else’s plan my entire life, that I didn’t know the difference between love and slavery—” here, Jaebum flinched. “That I had hurt someone I cared so much about and I didn’t even know why. I was terrified of myself.”

Jackson paused, glancing away, but not before Jaebum could see the tears pooling in his eyes.

“We can talk about something else.” He said, reaching for Jackson’s fingertips, inches from his own, but not quite touching them.

“You know I was brainwashed there?” Jackson voice was small, Jaebum’s breath was baited. If even one tear fell, it would take _everything_ not to cup Jackson’s face and do whatever he could to take his pain away. He wasn’t ready to do that yet. “Dr. Jinyoung conditioned me to do things against my will, awful things. He told me he could get me to do anything he wanted, ever.”

“What happened?” Jaebum asked. “How did you…well, you got released, right? So—”

“He underestimated me.” Jackson’s knees were drawn up under his chin, which was tucked between them. There was a small smile slowly spreading across his face.

 

 

 

_“It’s up to you. Would you like to remain here by, or against your will?”_

_“…How about neither.”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	35. Finished Chapters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it been two years already? April Fools!?

“How many eggs do you want?”  Jackson asked, carefully balancing the massive carton of eggs on his way to the stove. His eyes flashed with realization and he reworded his statement. “ _Do_ you want eggs?”

“Sure.” Jaebum grinned, drinking in Jackson’s face as he fussed over pots and pans. They had talked until the sun had risen and beyond that, talked about everything that had been bottled up between them for the past year, in Jackson’s case, much longer. Through that conversation he had come to the careful realization that this Jackson Wang wasn’t the person he had fallen in love with. This Jackson Wang was different in so many magnificent, frightening ways, and his head spun trying to grasp all of them.

_“Do you remember that song you sang to me during the thunderstorm? In your bed?”_

_“Yeah...”_

_“It saved my life, in the facility”_

_“What?”_

_“It saved my life. Well, actually, **I** saved my life. But it helped. You helped.” _

“We gotta eat quick and then get dad his breakfast.” Jackson said briskly, setting a plate of runny eggs and bacon in front of Jaebum. “And then, the sanctuary.”

“You think we could stop for coffee on the way? I feel like I could just about pass out.”

“Mhh, I forget how weak-willed you humans are.” Jackson teased, reaching across the counter and tipping Jaebum’s chin. Jaebum wondered if Jackson could possibly feel the same electric shock coursing through his veins that he did, so intense it forced him to take in a sharp breath. Jackson’s fingers lingered just long enough to get Jaebum’s head spinning, but his expression remained light and teasing. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you awake.”

“That a promise?” Jaebum asked, wincing at how openly flirty his tone was. Nope, no. That chapter had been written, printed, completed, and he needed to keep that at the forefront of his mind.

“Yup.” Jackson smiled. “Trust me.

 

The ‘sanctuary’ as Jackson had called it, turned out to be an enormous exotic animal rescue, the size of which Jaebum had never seen before. From the entrance alone, he could see acres of land, spread farther than the eye could see. “It’s going to be a busy day.” Jackson warned, as they walked briskly into the main building. “We’ve been having a big intake in the past few days due to wildfire outbreaks up on the hills.” Jaebum took in everything around him as Jackson had him cleared for a guest pass. “Don’t take that off.” Jackson slipped the pass around Jaebum’s neck, before reaching down to easily grab his hand. “I’ll show you around as we go.”

He pushed the door behind the front office open, leading to a large enclosure that seemed to comprise mainly of cats and dogs. As soon as they entered the room, all the animals set about making the most frantic set of ecstatic noises, clearly excited by Jackson’s presence. “Grab a scoop.” Jackson yelled over the din, gesturing to the giant bags of dog and cat food. “This is where we house all of our dog and cat rescues, as well as the occasional rabbit.” He began setting about filling each animal’s food bowl with food with amazing speed. “There’s a chart behind you for food guidelines, but basically everyone one the floor level,” he gestured to the set of crates housing the largest dogs, “gets two scoops, and you’re going to want to feed Pebbles before everyone, she gets _extremely_ upset if you feed anyone before her.”

‘Pebbles’ ended up being the biggest Rottweiler Jaebum had _ever_ seen. She eyed with him with disdain as he filled her food bowl, clearly preferring Jackson’s presence to him. “Good doggie.” Jaebum said in clumsy English. By the time he had filled the bowls of a few dogs, Jackson had finished feeding the rest of the large room. “We don’t keep them in here long.” Jackson assured. Just for feeding and anyone who’s sick and needs attending to stays here. They spend most of their time playing and relaxing out back, and we try to keep a constant flow of intake and outgoing animals. Come.” Again, he took Jaebum’s hand firmly, leading him out to the back of the building.

“Oh, there you are.” A man holding a small, anxious looking Chihuahua. “She was just about going to lose her mind if you didn’t show up.” He handed over the small dog to Jackson.”

“Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Josh.” He beamed, offering Jaebum his hand, who took it, mumbling a shaky “Nice to meet you, Im Jaebum” He noted Josh was _very_ handsome.

“Shelly here refuses to eat if Jackson isn’t by her. He’s like a dog whisperer, if any dog ever needs medicine or their shots, they’re calm the second he comes by, it’s incredible.” He shook his head, grinning in Jackson’s direction as he fussed over the tiny dog. “If you think Shelly is small now, you should’ve seen her before Jackson joined our team. She had no chance of survival.”

Jaebum didn’t understand much of what Josh was saying, but he noted the way he looked at Jackson, and understood he was complimenting him. The warmth in his voice spoke for itself. He forced himself to smile. “Jackson’s amazing.” He offered, giving a thumbs-up sign.

“Please.” Jackson smiled, his eyes shining. “Go on.”

“A king among men!” Josh’s smile grew larger as Jackson turned to face him.

“Jaebum doesn’t speak a lot of English, but he’s going to help us out today.” Jackson continued.

“That’s great.” Josh was suddenly all business. “Half of our rescue team is still on dispatch and Patrick’s off-duty, so we need you to take care of Kody and Kennedy. That okay?”

“It would be my pleasure.” Jackson’s smile was so bright and overwhelming, Jaebum focused his gaze away. He noticed that Josh didn’t, instead sinking into it the way he so badly wanted to. This wasn’t the Jackson that he’d known. This man was adept, charismatic, efficient, incredibly skillful. As they travelled the grounds of the rescue center, each and every person’s face lit up with pure joy as they saw Jackson. He knew the name of every single animal, large and small, and had an endless supply of information about each of them.

“It’s about 70 acres of land, and we focus on housing and rehabilitating animals that have been brutalized, stripped of their land, sold or traded illegally, or orphaned.  The goal is to get as many of them as we can back into their natural habitat. We house black bears, lions, arctic wolves, grey wolves, tigers, Kodiak bears, leopards—a lot of carnivores, but we also have a pretty big bird sanctuary and a small aquatic area. AND, two capuchin monkeys.” Jackson’s voice grew more and more quick and animated as he spoke, until Jaebum could hardly follow. He could only marvel at the joy in Jackson’s face, recognizing the spirit of someone living their truth. His heart pounded in his ears. This Jackson was passionate, driven, motivated, focused, this Jackson had his own set of dreams and goals. He was educated and precise—and he looked pretty fucking hot in a fitted white t-shirt and baseball cap.

They passed enclosure after enclosure, all of various sizes, each with a different set of animals. Jaebum watched a black bear and her baby being tended to in one enclosure, two recent wild-life rescues according to Jackson. Some enclosures had injured animals that needed a lot of attention or had recently given birth. Jackson explained that most of the rescues in peak health resided at a nearby, 300-acre piece of land where they were completely free to roam and enjoy themselves.

 He seemed particularly happy about that.

“Are you ready to meet Kody and Kennedy?” Jackson asked finally, stopping in front of a large, gated enclosure. Jaebum peered inside, seeing nothing. “I’m up for anything.” He smiled hesitantly. With all the creatures Jackson had casually mentioned, he was nervous about the one’s they would be met with, especially with the size of the enclosure. Jackson walked fearlessly to the enclosure’s secure entrance. “You stay here.” He ordered. “I’ll make sure it’s ok with them first.” He opened and closed the large, heavy gated, and Jaebum forced himself not to say, ‘be careful.’ He had never seen Jackson more in his element.

He was the one that needed to be careful.

Jackson disappeared behind a large set of boulders, and for a second everything was silent. Jaebum squinted, gazing through the locked gate and trying to make out movement. Nothing. Then, suddenly, there was a flash of movement, and it was Jackson, followed by what appeared to be two very small wolves. They tore around the corner of the boulder at breakneck speed, chasing each other around in a playful game of tag. It dissolved quickly into small bundle of cuddling, in which both wolves clambered on top of Jackson, showering him with whimpers and affection. Jaebum watched in complete fascination as each wolf fought to give Jackson more affection than the other. His heart swelled at the scene before him.

After a little while, Kody and Kennedy turned their attention to Jaebum, running up to the edge of the fence to sniff at him. “They’re like me.” Jackson beamed, standing and walking to the fence.

“How so?”

“They like you, a lot.”

Jaebum’s heart swum, and he met Jackson’s eyes and held his gaze. This Jackson was bold, fearless, composed, _assertive_ , dominating. He was a whole new person in so many ways. He was still sweet and goofy and gentle, but no, he wasn’t the same. He wasn’t the person Jaebum had fallen in love with. This Jackson Wang was new. 

And Jaebum was falling all over again.

“Jackson.” Jaebum’s own heartbeat drumming in his ears deafened him. Breathing, and speaking slowly, was the only way to keep himself sane. He gripped the fence, as Jackson unlocked the gate and carefully closed it behind himself. Jackson was smiling, like he knew, Jaebum hoped he knew. Fuck.

“Yeah?”

_‘We’re not on a date but—’_

“Can I?”

Jackson’s lips were against his before he’d finished breathing the words out, and his whole body warmed with newness and familiarity combined. Jackson’s hands were at his waist, pressing him against the chain link fence, and they kissed until he couldn’t breathe, and then kissed until Jackson couldn’t breathe and then again, and again, _and again,_ feverishly, because it wasn’t enough, nothing was enough. He wrapped his arms around Jackson’s shoulders, willing himself to become one with him. He tasted like magic, his mouth pliant and wild. They fit together so well like this, chest to chest. He wanted Jackson to dig his fingers into him, to _own him_. Jaebum kissed along Jackson’s jaw, careful not to leave a mark, but wanting _so badly_ to leave a mark, wanting to burn his name into Jackson’s skin.

Eventually they slowed, then stilled, holding each other, breathing deep, slow rhythmic breaths, and Jaebum did his best to ignore the only thought on his mind.

He wasn’t falling, this was _it_ , he _fucking loved_ this man. He was all new, he was exactly the same, he was _Jackson Wang_ and Jaebum loved him, loved him more than anything, with a certainty that was alarming.

So much for finished chapters. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all seriousness, I've wanted to update this story for a LONG time, but I got so wrapped up in my head at the idea of ruining it at the very end, and how to finish, and what to do. And suddenly, it was almost two years later?? To anyone that ACTUALLY reads this or is still reading, I WILL be finishing. And thank you for sticking with me. I really hope people who have been waiting patiently for an update for god only knows how long actually see this.


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